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Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd125/7/0412:38 PMPage 12P ASTORAL L EADERSHIP FOR M ANHOOD AND W OMANHOODing in marriage and family life. He has been married to his wife,Barbara, for thirty years, and they have six children.Ken Sande is an attorney who has served as the president ofPeacemaker Ministries for twenty years. His early education in engineering and law fueled his desire to dedicate his life to biblical peacemaking. Ken and his wife, Corlette, have been married for seventeenyears. They have a son and a daughter.Paul David Tripp received his B.A. from ColumbiaInternational University, his M.Div. from Philadelphia TheologicalSeminary, and his D.Min. from Westminster Theological Seminary.He currently serves as the Director of Changing Lives Ministries, forChristian Counseling & Educational Foundation. He is also theLecturer in Practical Theology (Counseling) at WestminsterTheological Seminary and a Counselor with CCEF. He and his wife,Luella, have been married for thirty-one years, and together they havefour children.Edward T. Welch received his B.A. from the University ofDelaware, his M.Div. from Biblical Theological Seminary in Hatfield,Pennsylvania, and his PhD.-Counseling Psychology (Neuropsychology) from the University of Utah. He is the author of numerous books including When People Are Big and God Is Small. Dr. Welchcurrently is the Director of Counseling as well as a Counselor forChristian Counseling & Educational Foundation. Additionally heserves as the Professor of Practical Theology at WestminsterTheological Seminary and as adjunct faculty at Biblical TheologicalSeminary. He has been married to his wife, Sharon, for twenty-twoyears, and together they have two children.

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd5/7/0412:38 PMPage 13PREFACEIn March 2000 several hundred Christian leaders gathered in Dallas,Texas, for a conference called “Building Strong Families in YourChurch.” The conference was jointly sponsored by FamilyLife andthe Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.Over fifty seminars addressed controversial questions about theBible’s teachings regarding the roles of men and women in the family. All of the speakers represented a “complementarian” position—that is, that men and women are created by God to be equal in valuebut different in roles. This book is one of four being issued byCrossway Books to make the conference content available to a widerChristian audience.1For pastors, the more popular seminars at the conference coveredmany of the difficult practical situations they face in ministeringGod’s Word faithfully regarding manhood and womanhood issues.This book contains material from those seminars, which includedthese topics: the pastor’s own marriage; encouraging romance in thecongregation; watching out for the little things that build or destroymarriages; using small groups, marriage ceremonies, and even churchdiscipline to protect marriages; developing a ministry that attracts mento the church; ministering to single adults and to a generation hungryto know their fathers; encouraging husbands to lead and wives to follow; and ministering to situations involving domestic violence, homosexuality, and other types of moral failure.These are hard topics! But the authors bring decades of biblicalknowledge and experience to bear in their approach to them. Theresult is a book packed with godly wisdom.

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd145/7/0412:38 PMPage 14P ASTORAL L EADERSHIP FOR M ANHOOD AND W OMANHOODWe issue this book with the expectation that pastors and othersinvolved in Christian ministry will find these chapters wise, helpful,practical, and tremendously encouraging. Taken together, they showhow faithfulness to Scripture regarding manhood and womanhoodresults in a ministry that does not run from but faces and resolves thetough problems that confront people in their lives as men and womentoday.It was a privilege to have the assistance of others whose faithfulwork made a significant contribution to this book. We wish to thankSharon Sullivan and Tracey Miller for excellent secretarial help withsome of the chapters, Travis Buchanan for careful editing and otherhelp with numerous administrative details including preparing theindices, Steve Eriksson for help wih proofreading, Sovereign GraceMinistries for additional administrative assistance in this project, andBruce Nygren for his professional editorial skills that contributed tothe clarity, accuracy, and readability of the book.Wayne Grudem and Dennis Rainey1.The other three books are Building Strong Families, edited by Dennis Rainey,Biblical Womanhood in the Home, edited by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, and BiblicalFoundations for Manhood and Womanhood, edied by Wayne Grudem.

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd5/7/0412:38 PMPage 15FOREWORDM A N D AT E SFOR THECHURCHIN THENE W MILLENNIUMDennis RaineyRToday our nation suffers from a sickness of the soul because ourfamilies are weak: weak in their knowledge of God, weak in their convictions about God, weak in their experiences of God, and weak intheir understanding of how to love one another.This is not how God intended it. He designed the family as thebirthplace and residence of Christianity. It’s the place where theknowledge, fear, and love of the Lord are to be taught by parents andlearned by children.With the prophet Jeremiah we cry out for America, “O land, land,land, hear the word of the LORD!” (Jer. 22:29, NASB). If the soul ofAmerica is to be restored, it will be done one home, one family at atime. In the church we will assist that by proclaiming God’s truth forthe family.I offer these mandates in the spirit of a servant, someone whoeagerly desires a more spiritually healthy environment for ministry tofamilies. My goal is not to add more weight to a load of responsibilityfor pastors and other church leaders that is already heavy. I sincerelythink that these challenges to change local church ministry to the fam-

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd165/7/0412:38 PMPage 16P ASTORAL L EADERSHIP FOR M ANHOOD AND W OMANHOODily will drastically improve effectiveness and bring needed spiritualrenewal.FOUR MANDATES FOR THE CHURCH IN THE NEWMILLENNIUMMandate One: Take Care of the First Family FirstIn our ministry at FamilyLife we often spend time interviewing pastors. As we have probed to learn their most compelling needs relatedto family ministry, one issue has risen above all others: “my marriageand family.”I now am convinced that the number one reason many pastors donot preach more on the marriage covenant, compassionately preachwhat the Bible says about the “act” of divorce, encourage prayer withspouse or children, or advocate family altars and devotions is that theirown marriages and families have their own sets of needs. So the topics are avoided or touched only lightly. And the families in the churchcontinue their slow slide.Psalm 101 presents some guidelines for those of us who want tobe effective leaders in ministry: “I will walk within my house in theintegrity of my heart” (v. 2, NASB). Later the same Psalm advises, “Hewho walks in a blameless way is the one who will minister to me” (v.6, NASB).In other words, if we want change in the families of those we lead,we have to lead and shepherd our own.Mandate Two: The Church Must Become a Marriage- andFamily-Equipping CenterDoes the following statement shock you? Equipping husbands andwives in marriage and training parents to lead their children spirituallyare not just part of local church ministry; they represent the greatestopportunity for the local church to spread the Gospel, build spiritualmaturity, and advance the Kingdom of God in this generation!I make this bold claim because the needs in the family dwarf allother personal felt needs in western civilization. In America whatother issue, as people wake up and begin their day, causes them as

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd5/7/0412:38 PMPage 17Foreword17much anxiety and pain? We have a generation coming of age that isscreaming, “How do you do marriage and family?” Such people arecoming from broken homes. Their parents’ marriages didn’t work.They are skeptical and afraid.And guess who could provide the answers—the local church!Our God created the family. Ministry to families is not a strategy, agoal, or a program. Ministry to families must permeate all the churchdoes, because faith formation begins at home (see Deut. 6:1-9). If weignore this reality, the church’s job is made much more difficult.If I were the Devil, I would want to get all the church staffs inAmerica totally on the defensive, spending hours each week untangling the relational mayhem surrounding marriages and families.What would happen if we could reduce that commitment of staffresources by 50 percent? Just think what we could accomplish withall of that fresh energy for the advancement of the Gospel?So how might we see change?We need to become intentional about equipping marriages andfamilies to be distinctively Christian. Ephesians 4:11 says that Christgave “pastors and teachers.” Why? “For the equipping of the saints forthe work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ” (v. 12,NASB). Where does the work of service start? Sunday school? The sermon? Wednesday night prayer meeting? No, it begins at home. Weneed to resurrect and dust off a little saying from the fifties: “The family that prays together stays together.”The culture is ripe for the church to step forward with spiritualinitiatives that bring hope.Mandate Three: The Church Must Become the Guardian ofthe Marriage CovenantBecause marriage is a covenant among a man, a woman, and AlmightyGod for a lifetime, no wonder God said that He hates divorce (Mal.2:16). One reason God despises marital demise so much is that Hedesires godly offspring (Mal. 2:15). We are well aware of the personal,lifelong devastation experienced by many children of divorce.Novelist Pat Conroy has profoundly written that each divorce is the

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd185/7/0412:38 PMPage 18P ASTORAL L EADERSHIP FOR M ANHOOD AND W OMANHOODdeath of a small civilization. God hates this. It is not the model Heintended.In our society we have dumbed down the marriage promise sothat in perceived seriousness it’s about one notch above financing acar. In most states you can get out of marriage easier than you can ditchan auto loan!It’s time for the church to step forward and become the guardian,protector, and enforcer of the marriage covenant. It is time for theChristian community to say no to easy divorce and yes to a marriagecovenant that lasts a lifetime. This is not a time for religious businessas usual. It is time for radical action.Upholding the marriage covenant begins with the care and nurture of your own covenant. Also, as your children grow up and marry,etch on their souls the sacredness of their marriage vows andcovenant.Finally, those of us in church leadership need to call others to fulfill their marriage covenant. Abraham Lincoln said, “To sin by silencewhen one should protest makes cowards of men.” Let’s not be emptychested in challenging people to honor their marriage vows or inprotesting vigorously when they seek to abandon them.The nation is desperate for the church to lead in protecting theinstitution of marriage. Let’s just “do it.”Mandate Four: Challenge Laypeople to Become Marriage andFamily MentorsDietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “The righteous man is the one who livesfor the next generation.” Are we losing our generational vision, ourresponsibility to sow the seeds of truth and holiness that will bear fruitin our children and grandchildren? It is imperative that laymen andlaywomen rediscover the vision of having God use them to reachdown to a younger generation and pull them up to maturity. Thiswon’t just happen. Such mentors will need to be recruited to such avision and mission.A way to build a mentor corps is to set a three-year goal to recruitfive mentor couples for every one hundred people in a local church.

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd5/7/0412:38 PMForewordPage 1919Mentors need to be made available first to couples in the first five yearsof their marriage. Statistically that is when the divorce rate is at itspeak. Of the five couples per hundred, I would assign one to pre-marrieds and a second to newly married couples. I would find two couples who are parenting mentors—one for young children (preschoolthrough elementary) and one for parents of adolescents. You also needcrisis mentors—a couple whose marriage was rescued from the pitwho can come with encouragement to help other couples whose marriages are in trouble.If you establish these mentor couples and present them to yourchurch on a given Sunday, members of your congregation willrespond enthusiastically to this mentoring initiative. The problem isnot finding the people who want to be mentored, but challenging theright people to be mentors. You and I as leaders in the local church andparachurch ministry need to call on laymen to step out of their comfort zone, to step out of the bleachers, to step onto the battlefield towin the war for the soul of the family.Those are my mandates for the church of the new millennium.The chapters that follow will explain in detail how they can be put intopractice. The task is substantial and may require more than a generation to complete, if the Lord tarries. But I believe it is a battle our generation must fight.I urge you to lead the charge in your congregation.

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Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd5/7/0412:38 PMPage 21IT H E P A S TOR ’ S P E R S O N A L L I F ER

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Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd5/7/0412:38 PMPage 231THE PASTOR’S M ARRIAGER. K ent HughesRI was born in March 1942 in Los Angeles—the same month that aJapanese submarine shelled the oil fields of Santa Barbara. That wasabout two hundred years ago; at least that is how I feel whenever I lookthrough my March 1942 copy of Life Magazine and see the way people dressed and the military technology of another age. I have vividmemories of the 1940s: my father’s death when I was four years old,the 1948 Rose Parade, the 1949 Billy Graham Crusade in a huge tenton the corner of Washington and Hill Streets in Los Angeles. Theimages of the young, slender evangelist lit by the spotlights and thecowboy Stuart Hamblin singing “Just a Closer Walk with Thee” arefixed forever in my memory.I was in high school in the 1950s, but I didn’t find “my thrill onBlueberry Hill” like many of my suntanned friends, because Christfound me in 1955 just as I was beginning high school. I was a youngman, but I knew I had come to Christ; I knew I had been delivered.An event that further shaped my life took place in 1956 and made thecover of national magazines. It was the death of five missionaries inEcuador at the hands of the primitive Auca Indians. Jim Elliot’s quote,“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannotlose,” became the ideal for my life. I wanted to serve the Lord. In 1958,at age sixteen, I preached my first sermon. It was on Jonah and thewhale—“God Has a Whale of a Plan for Your Life”—a sermon of

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd245/7/0412:38 PMPage 24P ASTORAL L EADERSHIP FOR M ANHOOD AND W OMANHOODdubious wit and doubtful quality. But just the doing of it establishedmy pastoral persona.Robin Williams’s famous quote about the 1960s, “If you remember the sixties you weren’t there,” aptly captures it for many of us graybeards, and smiling we nod our assent. But I was there and clearlyremember the sixties because I was doing youth ministry instead ofdrugs. I also happily recall those years because I met and married mylovely wife, Barbara, in 1962, and we spent the next decade in sandalsand bell-bottoms and youth ministry. Our four children came duringour first seven years together. Definite church growth!The 1970s were church-planting years. The greatest thrill of my lifewas establishing a new church. It was also one of the hardest times inmy life. Barbara and I have chronicled it in our book Liberating Ministryfrom the Success Syndrome. I was involved in the new work for about sixyears, and in 1979 we moved to Chicago. Our twenty-three years ofministry at College Church in Wheaton have been times of immensechange. I’ve changed too. My over-the-ears haircut has gone the way ofmy seventies bell-bottoms. My hair has faded to a Mr. Rogers gray. Ineed glasses to read my watch. And when I bend over to tie my shoes,I look around for other things to do since I’m already down there!Barbara and I have been married for more than forty joyous years,with thirty-eight years devoted to ministry. I’ve done it all—juniorhigh, high school, college, assistant pastor, senior pastor, and seniorcitizen. We’ve had our share of troubles and joys in ministry. I’ve seenit all—the ups and downs; the disappointments and triumphs. And init all, the joy of the Lord is my strength (cf. Neh. 8:10).Ministry has been a wild and wonderful ride. I am a happily married man. My four grown children love the Lord, and my eighteengrandchildren are in process. I have a terrific wife whom I love withall my heart. My children love me, and I love them. The bottom lineis: Our marriage and family have flourished amidst ministry.CHALLENGES TO MINISTRY MARRIAGESNevertheless, there are pastor-centered challenges to marriage.Ministry is consuming. It’s time-consuming. I’ve always been busy with

Pastoral Leadersh.44198.i03.qxd5/7/0412:38 PMThe Pastor’s MarriagePage 2525staff meetings, responding to messages, prayer meetings, businessmeetings, appointments, counseling, and sermon preparation, not tomention weddings and funerals. Life is busy. That can be difficult ona marriage. But not only is the ministry time-consuming, it is also allconsuming because it is so demanding. Whether you’re in a large orsmall church, you must learn to go to your left like a good basketballplayer. You’ll never make the team if you can only dribble and shootwith your right hand. Likewise in ministry, you can’t say, “I only dopreaching” or “My gift is administration.” You must do it all—and doit well. The pastor must be a Renaissance man. This can be a greatthing as you develop into a well-rounded person. But the downside isthat it is so demanding.The ministry can become a mistress. You can become married tothe church. In terms of that marriage relationship, you can become avery ugly man—a preoccupied man who may sit down at the tablewith your children but be somewhere else. Believe me, the ministrycan be seductive, especially if you’re deriving your self-worth fromwhat you do.Early on, when I was both in ministry and seminary, my wife sawthat I had become so preoccupied that I often was somewhere else,distracted, as my children sought my attention. Seeing enough sheconfronted me: “I don’t mind you’re being gone so much. I can handle that. But when you’re here, I would really like you to be here.” Shesuggested that I needed some professional help. I was insulted andangry. But after I cooled down, I realized she was right. During thesecond counseling session, the counselor, a minister himself, observedthat I wa

1.Pastoral counseling—Congresses. 2. Marriage counseling—Congresses. 3. Single people—Pastoral counseling of—Congresses. 4. Christian gays— Pastoral counseling of—Congresses. 5. Single. I. Grudem, Wayne A. II. Rainey, Dennis, 1948- . III.Series. BV4012.27 .P37 2002 259'.1—dc21 2002015619 CIP DP 13 12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05 04 03 02