Transcription
HAIL, CÆSAR!Written byJoel Coen & Ethan CoenCopyright 2014WHITE SHOOTING: October 13th, 2014BLUE REVISION: January 5th, 2015
FADE IN SOUNDINT. CONFESSIONAL - NIGHTDISTANT, BEAUTIFUL VOICESMale voices. A Gregorian chant.We fade in on a crucifix in the apse of the church: asuffering Christ.We cut to a close shot of a small silver cross on a rosary.The rosary is held in a man's lap next to a mouse-greyfedora. The light is dim.As we hear a panel sliding, more light wipes onto the rosarybeads.Wider on the man waiting in the confessional: middle-aged,tired.VOICESon, it is so late.MANYeah, Father, work has just been.VOICEYou work too hard.MANNah, I’m just. keepin the placegoin’. Anyhow, bless me, Father,for I have sinned. It’s been uh,twenty-four hours since my lastconfession. I, uh.VOICEYes my son.MANI lied to Connie. Uh, to my wife.VOICEThis is very serious.MANI know! I promised her I'd quitsmoking. She thinks it's bad forme. And I'm trying, but. well, Isnuck a couple of cigarettes.Maybe three.
2.Yes.It’s hard.VOICEMANVOICEYes, my son.MAN——But I’m trying.A clap of thunder.EXT. SPANISH HOUSE - NIGHTHOUSE AT NIGHTWe are looking, through the rain-pelted windshield of aparked car, at a small, Spanish-style bungalow. The rattle ofdriving rain does not quite cover the sound of drunken femalelaughter. There are occasional flashes of lightning outside,and occasional flashes of strobe light in the windows of thehouse.Inside our surveilling car a wrist rolls over to show a watchface, streaked with the shadows of dripping rain: 5:00o’clock.A voice-over begins, authoritatively omniscient——or maybe itonly sounds so because it is British-accented:VOICE-OVERIt is 5:00 A.M. The sun is soon torise. But for Eddie Mannix the dayhas already begun.Our car’s driver, Eddie Mannix——the man we sawconfessing——looks up from his watch to the house.VOICE-OVER (CONT’D)The movie studio for which he worksmanufactures stories——each its owndaylit drama, or moonlit dream.Flash of lightning, crash of thunder, another bout oflaughter from the house.Eddie Mannix reaches for his door.
3.OUTSIDEEddie Mannix emerges from his car——a Packard marking theperiod as circa 1950. Eddie pulls down his hat brim, turns uphis collar, and digs hands into coat pockets as he stridesthrough the rain.The strobe light flashes inside the house. The laughter growslouder as we approach.Eddie Mannix hesitates only momentarily at the front door. Hetests the knob: unlocked; turns it, enters.VOICE-OVER (CONT’D)But the work of Eddie Mannix caresnot for day or night. and careslittle for his rest.INT. SPANISH HOUSE - NIGHTOn Eddie Mannix at the open door, rain dripping from hisfedora, thunder crashing behind him. His eyes narrow indistaste.In the living room a giggling blonde in a milkmaid’s dirndlwith overloaded bodice bends over a butter-churn.A man with his back to us is peering through a box camera.MANThat’s right, darlin’, a littlelower.The giggling girl sees Eddie Mannix and stops churning.GLORIAOh, fer——ecce homo! You, here?!The photographer turns to face Eddie: a tall weedy-lookingman with a thin mustache. A sheen of sweat on his brow andupper lip.EDDIEThe studio has a right to Gloria’slikeness, Falco. Gimme thenegatives and things’ll go easier.FALCOYou got it all wrong, Eddie! Thisis f’private use!Eddie Mannix strides to the camera, pops its back, and pullsout a length of film.
4.Hey!FALCO (CONT’D)We hear approaching sirens. Falco reacts, bolting for theback door.GLORIACan’t a girl take a few pitchas,have a few laughs? Cheez, Eddie,what a old stick-in-the-mud!She giggles.Whap! He slaps her.She looks at him, stunned, then starts weeping.He slaps her again.Outside the sirens wind down and we hear car doors open.EDDIENow you listen to me. You were at aparty, you had too much to drink,somebody brought you here, youdon’t remember who. You’re goinghome now and your name is Mary JoScheinbrotte.She blubbers:GLORIAOkay, Eddie.The front door opens and two uniformed cops enter.COP ONEHello, Mannix, saw your heapoutside.COP TWOGot a call. Loud, disorderly.He looks around, sniffs. Possible French postcardsituation.EDDIESomeone was pulling your leg. MaryJo here was just at a costumeparty. It’s not really her dirndl.
5.He fishes a wad from his pocket and peels off some bills. She wants to contributesomething to your pension fund.Sorry to drag you out in the rain.COP ONEWell, say, no trouble at all.Cop Two is looking hard at the girl.COP TWOAren’t you Gloria DeLamour?GLORIANo no, I'm Mary Jo. somethin'.EDDIEScheinbrotte. Look, Brian.Eddie hesitates, looking at one of the cops who is smoking.We hear, distantly but growing louder, a deep thumping sound.EDDIE (CONT’D)Can I, uh. bum a cigarette?The thumping sound has grown closer: the tramp of manymarching feet. A fanfare on ancient horns as we cut to:EXT. THE OLD APPIAN WAY - DAYDown the road a Roman legion marches in brilliantTechnicolor, the sound of its stamping feet bridging the cut.Cypress trees, regularly planted, stretch along either sideof the road to the horizon. The title of the movie fades intosuperimposition:HAIL, CÆSAR!A Tale Of The ChristThe same voice that started the movie now intones:VOICE-OVERAncient Rome! Twelve years into therule of Tiberius, Rome’s legionsare masters of the world, the stompof its sandals heard from theIberian peninsula in the westthrough the halls of the greatlibrary of Alexandria in the east!(MORE)
6.VOICE-OVER (CONT'D)As oppressed people everywherewrithe under the Roman lash.The regularly formed legions in the van now give way to theslaves being whipped along in the rear:. master and slave, freeman andvassal, are united in onecompulsory worship: the emperor,Cæsar, is Godhead——lord of everyman’s body and spirit! For thosewho will not submit, the galleys,the arenas, even crucifixion await!But there is a new wind, blowingfrom the east, from the dustystreets of Bethlehem, that willsoon challenge the vast house ofCæsar——that edifice wrought ofbrick and blood which now seems sosecure!A chariot rolls into the foreground. Its driver is a muscularcampaign-hardened man with Roman bangs. Beneath his copperbreastplate he glistens with manly sweat. He wears a helmettopped by a bright red mohawk bristle, something like anupside-down floorwaxer. He is Autolochus Antoninus. He gazesoff and smiles.Another man gallops up on horseback and reins in next to him.This is Gracchus Gregorius, and he too wears the floorwaxingheadwear of the Roman tribune.AUTOLOCHUSThere she is, Gracchus. And ah,what a beauty!GRACCHUSAye, Autolochus! Rome! Suckled by ashe-wolf and nurturing us her sonsin turn.AUTOLOCHUSTonight I bathe in Caracalla, andwash away the dust of three hundredmiles of Frankish road! To Rome! ToRome!As he whips the chariot horses into motion we pan off toreveal the hilltop view of Rome before which the wearytribunes had halted.
7.VOICE-OVERYes, to Rome! Glorious center ofCæsar’s rule!EXT. PALESTINE - NIGHTA rutted rural road. A man in sandals and simple peasant garband using a gnarled walking staff walks through rain, thunderand lightning.VOICE-OVERBut far away, in Palestine.INT. SCREENING ROOM - DAYWe are panning off the image to reveal that we have beenlooking at a screen in a small screening room.VOICE-OVER. another man is coming home.Saul, humble merchant of Tarsus, isabout to be struck down by avision.The continued pan brings us onto the screening room’s oneoccupant, Eddie Mannix. After a quick furtive lookaround——meaningless since he is alone——he takes a cigarettefrom the ashtray next to him and sneaks a puff.SAUL (off)(quavering)What thing is this?EXT. CAPITOL BACKLOT - DAYEddie Mannix strides across the great studio backlot wheretechnicians mill and actors dressed in the wardrobe ofdifferent ages and genres lounge. His secretary Nataliefollows at his elbow, struggling to keep up as she consults anotepad:NATALIE——and Gloria DeLamour has beenchecked into Our Lady of PerpetualRest to dry out. You have a 10:00A.M. with Monsignor O’Reilly at theWallace Beery Conference Room. He’sbringing Lester Silkwood from theLegion of Catholic Decency andwe’ve also invited PatriarchVlassos for the Eastern view.
8.EDDIEThey’ve read the script?Roger.NATALIEEDDIELet’s also invite a rabbi, and aProtestant padre of some sort so wecan get everybody’s two cents.Check.NATALIEEDDIEHow’s production on “Tucumcari!”?NATALIEPrincipal is on schedule but secondunit has been idle in Gallup, NewMexico for four days. Heavy rain.Forecast?Not good.EDDIENATALIEEDDIEHnn. Send an insert truck and have‘em shoot driving plates for “Camethe Rain.”Check.NATALIEEDDIE“Jonah's Daughter” still behind?NATALIEYes, director says the problem isDeeAnna and she’s getting worse.EDDIEI know what it is, I’ll drop in onher after my ten o’clock.(pulls back his sleeve tolook at his watch)All right, let’s call New York.INT. EDDIE’S OFFICE - DAYEddie is on the phone.
9.VOICENick Schenk’s office.EDDIEHi, Dorothy, Eddie Mannix. The oldman in?VOICEHi, Mr. Mannix, I’ll check.Eddie raises his voice:EDDIENatalie, I want the box office on“The Debonaires” and on “BlessedEvent.” Can you also——Hastily into the phone:EDDIE (CONT’D)——Yes, good morning Mr. Schenk.Very well, thank you. Proceeding.Proceeding. “Merrily We Dance”starts shooting today. BeardleyAuberon gave us a draft that’sextremely classy. Joan Van Vechtenis playing Dierdre, but we need amale lead and we need him now.No, Jack Hogarth is drying out atCedars. Metro won’t lend us Gableunless we give them the ComiskeyTwins. Of course not, I agree.Swell idea but he’s waiting out adivorce in Reno. Whuh——HobieDoyle?! Do you really think so?After all he’s——he’s a dust actor!The man barely knows how to.talk!. Yes, of course, Mr.Schenk, I agree, but I don’t knowif Hobie Doyle, if he has the uhthe uh the uh poise in a dinnerjacket. Yes, we do need someonepronto. No I don’t. That’s verytrue. Let me talk to LaurenceLaurentz, the director. It couldwork. Hobie is a very promisingidea.EXT. WESTERN LANDSCAPEA BOULDERIt is a great big boulder.
10.A beard-stubbled cowboy rises from behind its cover to firehis six-shooter. He himself is immediately shot: he grimacesand releases his gun which swivels around his trigger-finger,as he staggers——and drops.He who just shot him: Hobie Doyle, in white Western wear.Eyes narrowed, he gauges the effect of his shot, then reactsto the sound of retreating hoofbeats.The other bad men are racing off, firing wildly back in hisdirection.Hobie adroitly twirls and holsters his gun.Whitey!HOBIEThe white horse placidly cropping the grass several yardsaway flicks its ears and looks over. It nickers and shufflesto face away from Hobie as he runs to it. He vaults its rumpand man and animal are off.Hobie riding. A mounted bad man falls in behind him——abushwack. This pursuer begins to fire.Hobie rocks forward on Whitey, low to his neck. He reachesdown to grab the saddle, one hand on either side. He pusheshimself up into a handstand atop the racing horse.An oncoming tree limb hooks his knees and he swings up andaround as his horse races on unridered. When he loops backaround the tree limb his six-shooter is at the ready and hefires on the swing at the oncoming horseman. The bad manclutches his chest and falls from his horse as Hobie swingsup again.Hobie uses his upward inertia to gracefully execute a trapezeartist dismount from the branch. His drop toward the groundis neatly intercepted by the bad man’s galloping horse, Hobieplops into its saddle. He reins in the snorting beast and asit rears he fires his six-shooter into the air in anexpression of pure brio. He then twirls and holsters his gun,calms the horse with a pat on the neck, and leaps aground. Heclaps dust from his yoked white shirt.And cut.MEGAPHONE VOICEA man in sunglasses rises from a canvas chair next to acamera attended by men in creased hoist-up pants and whiteshirts and ties.DIRECTORGreat, Hobie.
11.HOBIEI kin do the handstand smoother ifya gimme another shot atter.DIRECTORWe’ve got four good ones Hobie, andWhitey is tired.An assistant trots up to Hobie with a small tin. Hobie takesit and loads a chew into one cheek.HOBIEOkay, you’re the bossman. If that’slunch ammo grab me a plate a beans.ASSISTANTHobie, the studio wants you toescort Carlotta Valdez to yourpremier tonight.HOBIEBut she warn’t in the pitcher.ASSISTANTWell that’s what they want.HOBIEBut she warn’t in the pitcher.ASSISTANTWell, it’s some publicity thing.HOBIEAh don’t git it.ASSISTANTWell, the studio says you’rebringing Carlotta Valdez. You’reher escort.HOBIEBut she’s Carlotta Valdez. Hitdon’t make sense. She warn’t in thepitcher.ASSISTANTWho was in the picture?Hobie thinks.Whitey.HOBIE
12.ASSISTANTWell Eddie Mannix says you'reescorting Carlotta Valdez. Guessthey’re changing your image.INT. COURTYARD OF SESTIMUS AMYDIAS - DAYROMANSThey sit in the courtyard of a Roman villa——several togaedsenators and their robed wives——on chairs carved of cedar anddraped with fine silks.Incongruous entrance: a man in sunglasses wearing a whiteopen-necked shirt.He looks here and there. He raises a megaphone.1ST A.D.All right, kids, it’s Rome, you’reover at this guy’s house for arevel, and here comes Antoninus.Llllots of energy!Roll ‘em.VOICEA short, togaed extra holding a lyre lurks by a tabletop onwhich sits platters of succulent feastings, and one goblet. Afurtive look around.A.C. VOICECamera speed.BOOM VOICESound speed.The extra produces a cellophane packet from the folds of histoga. After another quick glance around he opens the packet’sflap and taps its powdery contents into the goblet.He hastily crumples the packet and exchanges a significantlook with:Another extra, holding a turkey leg nearby. This man is baldwith fringe hair upcombed to make corner hair-vees.The first extra is startled by:1ST A.D.What’re you doing at the table ofviands?!
13. Huh?EXTRA1ST A.D.You’re supposed to be reclining,with the lyre!EXTRAYeah, sorry, I uh——1ST A.D.Recline with the lyre!Yes, sir.EXTRAVOICEWe set there? Background set?1ST A.D.Don’t sit on the pediment! Recline!Relaxed, festive!Yes sir.Set!EXTRA1ST A.D.(projecting)(narrows his eyes andpoints at the extra nowreclining, hissing as heleaves)I got my eye on you.Fountain!VOICEWater starts to gurgle as the courtyard fountain comes tolife.VOICE (CONT’D)Background!The extras talk among themselves in pantomime, displayingRoman gaiety and deep involvement in their silentconversations. Some sip at goblets, some nibble at richcomestibles. Occasionally, a guest tips his head back for apeal of silent laughter.Our extra strums his lyre not in pantomime but sounding it,the same arpeggio, over and over again, separated by the samebeat of silence.
14.DIRECTORAnd action!Autolochus strides in. A senator rises to greet him.SENATORAutolochus! I had heard rumors ofyour return to Rome!We are close on the reclining extra with the lyre.Autolochus, standing before him, is only a pair of foregroundfeet in sandals with leather lace-ups twining the calves. Theleather creaks as he talks:AUTOLOCHUSMore than rumors, noble Sestimus!The reclining extra looks steeply up at Autolochus. His pointof-view shows Autolochus mostly backlit; we see off the setand up into the greens.Autolochus, with great aplomb, swipes the goblet from thetable.I see that you are the sameworshipper of Bacchus. What gaiety!There is still truth in the adage,“What pleasures cannot be found inthe villa of Sestimus Amydias,cannot be found in Rome!”(brings the goblet to hislips but stops with athought)But seriously. There is talk thatthe Senate will send our legionsout again——and this time not on ashort march to Gaul. What truth tothese mutterings, Sestimus?The reclining extra and the extra with the turkey legexchange a worried look.SESTIMUSThe matter is to be taken up in theSenate. It seems that there isunrest in Palestine.AUTOLOCHUSPalestine! That backwater! They’llhardly be sending the Sixth Legionto that godforsaken patch ofdesert!
15.Hearty male laughter. Autolochus ends his laugh and raisesthe goblet to his lips.Just before drinking——he is taken by another gust oflaughter.The two extras exchange a look. The reclining extra hugs hislyre and worriedly arpeggiates.When Autolochus’s second access of laughter peters out heraises the goblet again——and now takes a long draught.DIRECTORHolding for a dissolve. stilllaughing. holding. and. cut.Autolochus lowers the goblet, panting, and wipes meadfoamfrom his mouth with an armful of sleeve.The extras too relax.The director enters: Sam Stampfel, of manly middle-age.STAMPFELFine, boys, that was fine. We’llmove on to the brasier scene.AUTOLOCHUSYeah? Was I okay on “What truth tothese mutterings?” I felt alittle——STAMPFELNah, fine, we move on. Brasierscene, twenty minutes.AUTOLOCHUSPopping over to my dressing room.(to Script Supervisor)Got the pages for the brasierscene?The Script Supervisor points to a spot on the page as hehands it over.SCRIPT SUPERVISORThey changed “passion” to “ardor.”AUTOLOCHUSWhat? I liked passion. It’s strong.“Passion.”The Script Supervisor shrugs a what-can-I-tell-you?Autolochus wanders off, muttering:
16.AUTOLOCHUS (CONT’D)Not so, Ursulina. My ardor is yetas warm as the embers of thisbrasier.The extra with the lyre exchanges another look with the baldextra. He indicates with a jerk of the head that they shouldfollow Autolochus who, as he examines his script, is crossingthe long dark expanse of soundstage, toward a distant glowingexit sign.EXT. CAPITOL BACKLOT - DAYOutside now, the short extra cautiously leans and cranes topeek around a soundstage corner. The bald extra is next tohim.His point-of-view: huge stucco soundstages range into thedistance. The only person about is a small recedingAutolochus Antoninus, his sandals scuffing the road and swordbanging his thigh as he walks. He still looks at the script;we hear his distant muttering:AUTOLOCHUSSuch is my greeting after threemonths’ sojourn in Gaul?. Not so,Ursulina. My ardor is yet as warmHe stops momentarily, swaying. He extends a hand to steadyhimself against the exterior wall of a soundstage. After amoment, he moves on, somewhat uncertainly.EXT. BAIRD’S DRESSING ROOM - DAYA STAR ON A DRESSING ROOM DOORA slow pull back reveals the name above the star: BAIRDWHITLOCK.Muffled, from within, we hear Autolochus/Baird Whitlock:BAIRDNot so, Ursulina. My ardor is yetas warm as the embers of thisbrasier. The embers of thishbrasier. Goddamn, that’s tough.Yet as warm as the embersh of thisbrasier. Not so, Urshulina.The continuing pull back reveals the two extras standingeither side of the door. The bald one nods at the short one.
17.At the nod, the short extra knocks.SHORT EXTRAThey’re ready for you, Mr.Whitlock.The two men stand tensed.After a short beat of clomping inside, the door swings slowlyup. Baird stands, swaying, giving the two men a glassy stare.BAIRD(slurred)Not so, Ursulina——He pitches forward into the ready arms of the togaed men.INT. CAPITOL CONFERENCE ROOM - DAYEddie Mannix strolls and speaks. His audience is a fourperson convocation of clergy sporting different hats, caps,robes, beards.EDDIEGentlemen, thank you all forcoming. I know you have parishes,flocks and temples making enormousdemands on your time. But I’m sureyou appreciate also that greatmasses of humanity look to picturesfor information and uplift and,yes, entertainment. Now here atCapitol Pictures, as you know, anarmy of technicians and actors andtop-notch artistic people areworking hard to bring to the screenthe story of the Christ. It’s aswell story——a story told before,yes, but we like to flatterourselves that it’s never been toldwith this kind of distinction andpanache.EASTERN ORTHODOX PATRIARCHPerhaps, sir, you forget itstelling in the holy Bible.A wry smile from Eddie Mannix.EDDIEQuite right, Padre. The Bible ofcourse is terrific.(MORE)
18.EDDIE (CONT'D)But for millions of people,pictures will be their referencepoint for the story——the story’sembodiment.(groping)the story’s.MINISTERRealization.Eddie points an aiming finger at the Minister, saluting hischoice of words.EDDIERealization.RABBIYou “realize,” of course, that forwe Jews, any visual depiction ofthe Godhead is most strictlyprohibited.Oh.EDDIE(dismayed)RABBIBut of course, for us, the manJesus Nazarene is not God.EDDIE(brightening)Ah-ha.MINISTERWho plays Christ?EDDIEA kid we’re all very excited about,Todd Hocheiser, wonderful youngactor we found in Akron, Ohio, in anationwide talent hunt. ButHocheiser is seen only fleetingly,and with extreme taste; our storyis told through the eyes of a Romantribune, Autolochus Antoninus, anordinary man skeptical at first butwho comes to a grudging respect forthis swell figure from the East.And Autolochus is played by.He permits himself a satisfied smile. Baird Whitlock.
19.Murmurs of appreciation from the assembled and one low“that’s-something” whistle.RABBIWell, he is certainly a greattalent.EDDIENow Hail, Cæsar! is a prestigepicture, our biggest release of theyear, and we are devoting hugeresources to its production inorder to make it first-class inevery respect. Gentlemen, given itsenormous expense, we don’t want tosend it to market except in thecertainty that it will not offendany reasonable American, regardlessof faith or creed. Now that’s whereyou come in. You’ve read thescript; I wanna know if thetheological elements of the storyare up to snuff.PATRIARCHI thought the chariot scene wasfakey. How is he going to jump fromone chariot to the other, goingfull speed?A frozen beat as Eddie frames an answer.EDDIEUh-huh, well, we can look at that.But as for the, uh, religiousaspect——does the depiction ofChrist Jesus cut the mustard?PRIESTThe nature of the Christ is notquite as simple as your photoplaywould have it.EDDIEHow so, Father?FATHERWell, it is not the case simplythat Christ is God, or God Christ.RABBIYou can say that again! TheNazarene was not God!
20.PATRIARCHHe was not not-God.RABBIHe was a man!Part God.Nossir!MINISTERRABBIEDDIEBut Rabbi, we all have a little bitof God in us don’t we?Well.RABBIPRIESTIt is the foundation of our beliefthat God is tri-partite.EDDIEFather, Son, Holy Ghost.PRIESTAnd Christ is most properlyreferred to as the Son of God. Itis the son of God who takes thesins of the world upon himself sothat the rest of God’s children, weimperfect beings, through faith,may enter the kingdom of heaven.EDDIESo God is. split?Yes.PRIESTEddie nods. And no!Eddie frowns.PATRIARCHThere is unity in division.MINISTERAnd division in unity.EDDIENot sure I follow, Padre.
21.RABBIYoung man, you don’t follow for avery simple reason: these man arescrewballs.(to the others)God has children? What, and a dog?A collie maybe? God doesn’t havechildren. He’s a bachelor. And veryangry.PRIESTHe used to be angry!RABBIWhat, he got over it?MINISTERYou worship the god of another age!PRIESTWho has no love!RABBINot true! He likes Jews.MINISTERGod loves everyone!PRIESTGod is love.PATRIARCHGod is who is.RABBIThis is special? Who isn’t who is?PRIESTBut how should God be rendered in amotion picture?RABBIGod is not in the motion picture!MINISTERThen who is Todd Hocheiser?EDDIEGentlemen, maybe we’re biting offmore than we can chew.(MORE)
22.EDDIE (CONT'D)We don’t need to agree on thenature of the deity: if we canfocus on the Christ, whatever his,uh, parentage. My question is: isour depiction fair?PATRIARCHI’ve seen worse.EDDIESo I can put you in the pluscolumn, Patriarch?The Patriarch gives a musing nod. Eddie turns to theminister. Reverend?MINISTERThere is nothing to offend areasonable man.Father?EDDIEPRIESTThe motion picture teleplay wasrespectful and exhibitedtastefulness and class.RABBIWho made you an expert all of asudden?Eddie turns to the Rabbi.EDDIE. And what do you think, Rabbi?The rabbi shrugs and affects mildness.RABBIEh. I haven’t an opinion.EXT. CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR - DAYEddie Mannix emerges, dabbing at sweat.NATALIEHow’d we do?
23.EDDIEMm. What’s up?NATALIECan’t find Baird Whitlock. He leftthe set over an hour ago, said hewas going to his dressing room buthe isn’t there.EDDIEOut on a bender? Am I crazy, middleof the day?NATALIEYou’re not crazy, but no. I checkedthe Til Two, Dan Tana’s, RustyScupper. No soap.EDDIEHome, maybe? Called his wife?Yep.NATALIEEDDIEWhat’d Laura say?NATALIEHe’s not home, he’s never home,he’s a louse, try one of hischippies.EDDIECalled that script girl, what’s hername——Francie?Check.NATALIEEDDIEAny of the gals missing from theset?Nope.NATALIEEDDIEWell.(looks at his watch)Gone an hour? We won’t worry yet.
24.INT. LINEN TRUCK - DAYBLACKBaird Whitlock’s head lolls in the foreground, waggling withthe motion of the vehicle. His body——he is still in wardrobe,leather skirt and a breastplate over his whitetunic——stretches away into the background: he is laid out,unconscious, on a paddy-wagon style bench. At the end of thebench in the background we see, cropped and soft, a goon in adouble-breasted suit, his forearms on his knees, smoking.EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD - DAYTHE STREETHollywood Boulevard. The truck roars by. Its paneled sidesays “Al’s Linens.”EXT. STUDIO GATE - DAYHobie Doyle is pulling up in a chauffeured car. The guardlooks in the back window and is surprised to see the Westernstar.GUARDHow ya doing, Hobie.HOBIELo there, Scotty.GUARDThey got you shooting on the lot?HOBIEWul, Mr. Mannix pulled me off theWestern, says I’m doin’ a movie ona soundstage. They built a drawingroom.GUARDYa don’t say.INT. STAGE / TANK - DAYUNDER WATERA bathing beauty in a sequined mermaid suit swims free-armedbut wriggle-tailed, constrained by her fake nether-parts.From our underwater perspective we hear burbling music.
25.After a beat of her swimming solo many bodies shoot down intothe water to join the mermaid, entering foreground andbackground in headfirst dives that leave bubble-trails. Thebeauties swim loops and then wave themselves back up towardthe surface, smiling.But the mermaid remains. She approaches a foreground sunkentreasure chest. Atop its gold coins sits a silver crownwhich the mermaid seems to recognize as her own. She reachesfor it, smiling-but as she does so a shadow travels over her,near-to-deep. And then great jaws hinge closed behind her,capturing her-and the lens-in the black belly of a whale.We linger in black. Water surface slowly emerges from theblack: we are high above the water now, looking straightdown. With our change in perspective the music now blaresundistorted.In the tank below us the bathing beauties spin in a formationthat goes through constant kaleidoscopic change. In thecenter of the circle formed by the beauties a dark shapebegins to resolve itself: something is surfacing amid thegirls.It is the whale. As it breaches amid the swimmers itsblowhole, directly beneath the lens, spouts. Jetting waterrises toward us.Something else is rising, borne up by the jetting water: asundae-cup coach of sorts. In it rides the mermaid,triumphantly ascending.Her ascent ends high, high, high above the tank. Thespouting water recedes but her sundae cup remains magicallysuspended in air.She opens the cup's gate-door and looks down at the water,far, far below. As a drum roll builds she prepares to dive.And does dive.She splashes into the water and is lost from view.suspenseful hold, on nothing.AAnd now she emerges from the water, rising again, now on apedestal and now wearing her silver crown, recovered in whatoffscreen neptunian rite who can say.The mermaid is proud of herself, proud of her crown, proud ofher bathing-beauty minions-but then pride evaporates. Someinternal struggle. She seems to be getting angry.
26.She yanks off the crown and tosses it away, squalling:Wardrobe!MERMAIDThe music slows to sludge and stops.The mermaid flops into the water and splashes awkwardlytoward the side of the tank, her fluke spanking the surfaceas cowed bathing beauties make way and an off-mike voiceyells “Cut!”INT. STAGE - DAYCLOSE ON MERMAIDA minute later: she is leaned backface set in a grimace, a gurgle ofthroat. Two men behind hold her inlooped over her shoulder and underon a canvas chair, hereffort building in herplace, each with an arman armpit.After a long straining moment:GAH!MERMAIDWith her cry there is a rubbery thwop-sound of suction givingway, and we cut to the reverse:A stagehand staggers back, holding the now freed bottom halfof her scaly mermaid outfit. He tips it backfin-upward and alittle water dribbles out.The mermaid is now wearing scaly top-half of her outfit only.Coming from beneath it, below her waist, is a conventionalCatalina swimsuit. She feels tenderly at her stomach as anassistant director enters.A.D.Gas again, ma’am?MERMAIDMA’AM? MISS? Am I married?No miss.A.D.
27.MERMAIDNo. Yeah, sure, gas again.(Eddie approaches; sheindicates him)Ask him, he knows. Okay, scram.EDDIEHow are you, DeeAnna?DEEANNAHow am I. Wet. And I don’t thinkI’ll fit in the fish-ass after thisweek.EDDIEWell, we should have the waterballet in the can after tomorrow;in the nightclub scene wardrobe’llhave a gown for you that's more.forgiving. Um. any more thoughtsabout who you might marry?DEEANNAHAH! Ain't doin' that again! I hadtwo marriages, and it just cost thestudio a lotta money to bust’em up.EDDIEWell we had to have those anulled——one was to a minor mob figure and——DEEANNAVince was not minor!EDDIEAnd Buddy Flynn was a bandleaderwith a long history of narcoticuse.DEEANNAYeah yeah, they were both louses,yes, and that’s what I’m sayin’. Athird louse ain’t gonnna do me nogood.EDDIEWe’ve offered you some verysuitable, clean young men.DEEANNAPretty boys, sap, and swishes! Youthink if there was some good steadyreliable man I wouldna grabbed him?
28.EDDIEWell, what about Ärne Seslum? He isthe father, isn’t he?Yeah yeah.DEEANNAEDDIEThe marriage doesn’t have to lastforever. But, DeeAnna, having achild without a father wouldpresent
Down the road a Roman legion marches in brilliant Technicolor, the sound of its stamping feet bridging the cut. Cypress trees, regularly planted, stretch along either side of the road to the horizon. The title of the movie fades into superimposition: HAIL, CÆSAR! A Tale Of The Christ The same voice that started the movie now intones: VOICE-OVER
