Transcription
Мо. 251Dec. '84OUR PRICE 1.25СНЕАР
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NUMBER 251DECEMBER 1984“Some girls get so love sick, they take the firstpill that comes along!” —Alfred E. NeumanWILLIAM M. GAINES publisherALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editorVITAL FEATURES“STARBLECCHIII—THESEARCHFOR PLOT”LEONARD BRENNER art directorTOM NOZKOWSKI productionNICK MEGLIN senior editorJOHN FICARRA associate editorGLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, SARA FOWLER, subscriptionsJACK ALBERT lawsuitsANNE GRIFFITHS logisticsCONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERSthe usual gang of idiotsBASEBALLOWNEROF THEYEARPg. 15DEPARTMENTSATRIVIAL PURSUIT DEPARTMENT“Star Blecch Ill—The Search For Plot"(A Mad Movie Satire)BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENTThe Lighter Side Of.CRASHING BORE DEPARTMENTAMAD Lock At Airline Safety InstructionsDROPPED DEAD DEPARTMENTThe TV Prime Time GraveyardFROM BAD TO VOICE DEPARTMENTWhen Every Device "Talks"INSTRUCTIONSPg.20HUMOR AT WARPED SPEED DEPARTMENTDon Martin Looks At "Star Trek III"JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENTSpy Vs. SpyMARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT"Drawn-Out Dramas" By AragonesNO REST FOR THE LEERY DEPARTMENTOnly In The Middle Of The NightNURSERY WHINES DEPARTMENTBaby Talk—ExposedOUR NATIONAL BLASTIME DEPARTMENTMAD's Baseball Owner Of The Year . .POSITIVE WINKING DEPARTMENTPOST WASTE DEPARTMENTRandom Samplings Of Reader MailRIP. PLEASE! DEPARTMENTWEE SHALL OVERCOME DEPARTMENT"Web'Star" (A MAD TV Show Satire)"WHERE'S THE THIEF?" DEPARTMENTThe Criminals’ Yellow Pages.“Various Places Around The MagazineMAD (ISSN 0024 9219) is published monthly except February, May, August and November by EC. Publications, Inc. 485Madison Avenue. Now York, NY. 10022. Second class postagepaidat New York, NY. and at additional mailing offices.Subscription in US. А: 8 issues 10.00 or 24 issues 2500 or 40 issues 3900. Outside USA. 8 issues 12.00or24 issues 200040issues and 4700.includeEntiremailingcontents 1984 changeby E C. Publications,Allow 10aboutweeksyourfor subscription.change oraddressbecomeor effective,labelcopyrightwhen makingoladdress orInc.inquiringPOST-toMASTER: send address change to MAD, 485 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10022. The Publisher and Editors will по! beresponsible for unsolicited manuscripts, and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed returnenvelope. The namesofcharactersusedinallMAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity withoutsatiric purpose.toa livingpersonisa coincidence.Printedin US A.MARTINLOOKS ATSTARTREK III
SAVE MONEY'AND RECEIVEFREE GIFTS!MADSUBSCRIBE TOAND GET.4 FREE MAD“SUPER SPECIALS”WITH A 40 ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION3(AND SAVE 1100)"OUR CHOICE!2'FREE MAD“SUPER SPECIALS”WITH A 24 ISSUE SUBSCRIPTIONPOST WASTE DEPT.MORE MAD ESP?Well, here we go with another case ofMAD ESP! Back in MAD #235, in themovie satire "Rockhead III", Rockheadsaid, because he was repeatedly standing infront of large chests during bouts, hewanted his next match to be with DollyParton. You didnt know how right youwere! His next match was with the bigchested Dolly in the movie "RhinestoSince you have such an extraordinary gift,could you please tell me where my housekeys are? 1 havent been able го find themsince I last cleaned my room!Edward OlsonEureka,CAeve MacBride, York PA; Gary Stew‚Clearwater FL;Berte, HoustonTX; Ben Mayer, White Oak PA.If this kindof POSINGkeeps up, want my nextmatch to bewith DollyParton!! (AND SAVE 500)“OUR CHOICE!THE WORST FROM MAD1 bet you guys thought you were sosmart! Well, dont #асгег yourselves becauseI skunked you big-time magazine people.In your Winter 1984 Super Special, “TheWorst From МАР”, in the MAD WallSigns section, instead of perforating theedges you simply put a dotted line on theside of the pages. But, those dotted lineswere not just dotted lines, they were inMorse Code! Since my sharp eye spottedthis, do I win a prize? Anyway, for all yourdumb readers who cant read Morse Codeheres what che big-deal message said: Cutalong this dot and dash line with a scissoridiot because we were соо cheap to have chepages perforated bur as long as we haveyour attention, buy MAD Magazine buyMAD Magazine buy MAD Magazine (ninemore times) MAD Magazine is muchcheaper than sex but not as funny.Brian BaerMonroe, LAOrher MAD Code Specialists include: GusGyde, Springfield OR; James D. Morris,Jacksonville, FL;Andy Gottlieb, ActonMO; James Freany, Shoreham NY, ChrisWhelan, Blue Bell PA.When I got "The Worst From MAD" Icut out the posters and pasted them on mydoor. My mom made me take down the oneabout the orgy starting in five minutes. Shewanted me to take down the one about thesex-starved maniac too, but I conned herinto letting me keep it up. The posters addclass to my room.Brian RoscherFlemington, NJMaybe your mom wanted the orgyposter for her door!—Ed.24” FREE MAD“WIRE STAPLES”THE MAD CANDIDATEAccording to "MADS Ideal PresidentialCandidate For 1984” Mr, T's mustache isreally Reagan's eyebrows. I guess this meansthat whenever Reagan's brow is sweatingaway in front of reporters, Mr. T must beblowing his nose!Frank ArenaWITH AN 8 ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION(AND SAVE NOTHING!)BIG DEAL-------usecoupon or duplicate Overhere, USATwo Boobs At WorkVEEP SHOT485 MADison AvenueNew York, NY. 100221 found the enclosed cartoon in che July15 edition of che New York Sunday News,O I enclose 39.00". Please enter my name on yoursubscription list and mail me the next40issues.PLUS MY 4* FREE “MAD SUPER SPECIALS"!O l enclose 25.00". Please enter my name on yoursubscription list andmail me the next 24 issues.PLUS MY 2* FREE “MAD SUPER SPECIALS"!Cl enclose 10.00". Please enter my name on yoursubscription list and mail me the next 8 issues.WITH MY 24** FREE WIRE STAPLES [isi]!NAMEADDRESS.CITY.STATEZIP. 30.00 forOutside US.A. (including Canada), 12.00 for 8 issues byor International24 issues or 4700 for 40 issues in US. FundsBank.payableAllow 10 weeks forMoney Order or Check drawn on a USA.cannot be responsible forsubscription to be processed. MAD MagazineMONEYORDER PREFERRED!cash lostor stolen in the mails so CHECK OR1 CALL IT,WHAT2METhe missing tooth caught my eye.Tim ScannellCold Spring, NY
“GRIMLINS”Its been a while since I picked up MAD,but your “Gremlins” issabsolurelygreat. I lovedthepicture ofSiskel and Ebertand che "Grimlins' satire was right on themark. It doesnt get any better than this.NONOAnd to think at one point in time I thoughtI had outgrown MAD. No way. Its plain tosee that your writers and artists really put аlot of effort and thought into the satires.Kevin KellyWinter Park, FLMort Drucker and Stan Hart shouldhave put their “Gremlins” satire in water.Maybe the few laughs that were in it couldhave multiplied!Brian AshCo-op City New YorkYour parents should have shined abright light on youl—Ed.Just thought youd like co know, Russia ispredicting a box office smash with its newhit movie"KremlinsHolly WalshFlemington, OHYou might call that commie”tions."—Ed.THIS NEW MAD BOOKWILL NEVER EVER BEBANNED IN BOSTON!THIS NEW MAD BOOKWILL NEVER MAKE THEBEST-SELLER LIST!NOTHEY'LL NEVER MAKEA “MOVIE” OUT OFTHIS NEW MAD BOOK!NOTHIS NEW MAD BOOKWILL NEVER WIN THE“PULITZER PRIZE"!NOYOU WON'T GET YOURMONEY BACK WHEN YOUTRY TO RETURN IT!YOU'D BE CRAZY TOSAY "NO!" TO BUYINGWES THIS NEW MAD BOOK!attrac-On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand, Or Yours By Mailaa iem umoSE. IN 1N IADY485 MADison AvenueNew York, NY. 10022COUPON: or.duplicate «mesesm miim mm memiNAMEабоCITYSTATESENDМЕ LLI“FORBIDDEN MAD”A "Kremlin?"“CHEERS”I think that the writer of "Beers", ArnieKogen, should take the "pellet with thepoison" for forgetting to put the “chalicewith the palace’ next to the “vessel with apestle,” "brew thar is true,” and the "Bagonwith the dragon.” Hed sure make a rorten“Court Jester"!Steven ScholtenSilver Bay, NYThe "vessel with a pestle” reference in"Beers" alone was worth the price of themagazine.Michelle SerongRochester, NY—————Please Address All Correspondence To:MAD, Dept. 251, 485 MADison AvenueNew York, New York 10022Unsolicited Manuscripts will not be returned unlessaccompanied by a self-addressed stamped envelope orideasasto whatweshould ask youforin this space.FORBIDDENCite Dirty Old MADОр: Jekyll МЕ MADT MAD SucksT SuperMADO The Uncensored MAD.CI MAD BarfsCI MAD About TownC) Big MAD On CampusT Endangered MADStamp Out MADC1 DON MARTIN Steps OutC DON MARTIN Bounces BackC1 DON MARTIN Drops 13 StoriesCI DON MARTIN's Captain KlutzCODON MARTIN CooksCI DON MARTIN Comes on Strong.CODON MARTIN Carries OnDON MARTIN Steps Further Out1 DON MARTIN Forges AheadCODON MARTIN Digs DeeperCODON MARTIN Grinds AheadCODON MARTIN Captain Klutz IlC DAVE BERG Looks at the U.S.A.CI DAVE BERG Looks at PeopleC DAVE BERG Looks at ThingsC DAVE BERG Modern ThinkingC DAVE BERG Our Sick WorldCI DAVE BERG Looks at LivingC3 DAVE BERG Looks AroundDAVE BERG Loving LookC DAVE BERG Looks, Listens & laughsCI DAVE BERG Looks at YouE DAVE BERG Looks at the NeighborhoodAllow10 weeks for deliveryOutside the USA, add15% extra.ZIP.ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE OTHER MADPAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW:The All-New SPY vs. SPYL SPY vs. SPY Follow Up FileT 3rd MAD Dossier of SPY vs. SPYath MAD Classified SPY vs. SPYC 5th MAD Report on SPY vs. SPYT th Case Book on SPY vs. SPYCIA MAD Look at Old MoviesCH Return of MAD Old MoviesOMAD-vertisingПА MAD Look at TVПА MAD Guide to Leisure TimeTA MAD Guide to Self-ImprovementTA MAD Guide to Fraud &DeceptionC) MAD Ser, Violence&Home CookingПМ JAFFE Snappy AnswersCIAIJAFFEE's MAD Book of MagicО More AL JAFFEE's Snappy AnswersCIAL JAFFEE's MonstrositiesCI Still More AL JAFFEE's Snappy AnswersCIAL ЈАЕҒЕЕ MAD InventionsT Lord! Another JAFFEE Snappy AnswersCIAL JAFFE Freaks Outtiзру Question to Stupid Questions #5CIARAGONES “Viva MAD"С ARAGONES MAD about MADCI ARAGONES МАР-у YoursARAGONES In MAD We TrustCI ARAGONES MAD as the DevilCI ARAGONES Incurably MADARAGONES Shootin’ MADC ARAGONES MAD MarginalsCUARAGONES MAD as a HatterC ARAGONES MAD MenagerieОМАР for Better or Verse1 ENCLOSE 1.95 FOR EACH(Minimum Order: 5.85)g MATE With MADСМАР About Sports. MAD Talking StampsC The MAD Jumble BookO More MAD About SportsE MAD Around the WorldE MAD Goes WildО Get Stuffed With MADO MAD Jock BookO MAD Goes to Pieces.O MAD Word Power1 Politically MADCI MAD Look at the FutureC MAD Book of MysteriesC MAD Tell It Like It Is BookC MAD Cradle to Grave PrimerТ) MAD Make Out BookLJ MAD Clobbers the ClassicsO MAD Book of RevengeТ) MAD Guide to Careers MAD Survival Handbook(MAD's Fast LivingCi History Gone MAIOthe MAD Worry BookОМАР Weirdo Watchers GuideLI MAD StewO The Sound of MAD.O EDWING Bizarre BazaarТ1 EDWING Book of Almost Superheroes.C3 Clod's Letters to MADL3 PORGES How Not To Do ItLj PORGES Cheap Shots.L1 Coker MAD Pet BookWe cannot be responsible for cashlost or stolen in the Mails. Checkor Money Order Preferred!
ATRIVIAL PURSUIT DEPT.Space.the exploitable frontier!These are the continuing effortsof the “Star Trek” movie Producers!Their mission: to seek out new BoxOffice smash hits; to explore newspecial effects and new gimmicks formerchandising revenue; to boldly goback to the well where they have al—ready gone twice before.only thistime, to come up with a movie sadlylacking in one vital element! Mainly,ARTIST:SenERI.If you thinkthat's roughSpookwasagood man! Heon Spookhated inter-intowhat aboutgalactic evilleavetogivespacel!What ahis PALL-BEARERS?'?hisbackroughThey're stillway toclinging toScienceWow! HiscoffinSpookYeah,butwantedwantedtoFriends, in "Star Blecch Il,” Mr. Spookgave his life so that we all might live!I heardthatorable way possible, by shooting his bodyExpress”. because we absolutely had toget him to the planet Genisick overnight!Now, we have repaid him in the only honinto space! Yes, we've sent him “VulganSpook was ourfriend.ourcompanion.body toand our running gag! We shall miss him! Science! the ears!hurledGo"the coffin!and corruptionof any kind!———What makesyou say that?.—MORTDRUCKERInhislastwill, he re-quested thathis body becremated.and his ashesthrown intoDarth Vader's
LECCH IL.RCH FOR PLOTWRITER: ARNIE KOGENGood tosee youworkingagain,Hoohah!You,too,Spotty!Do you realize thatthese “StarBlecch! filmsare the ONLYtime we'reemployed asactors.?Yeah, butnot Adm.The worldhas thatpopular“ы.“Trekkies”!How many"HOOKIES"series!these days?!Quirk! HeHooker"is full ofExcellent, Kingkongs! We havedestroyed the Federation ScoutShip! Now, let's burn the Galaxy, melt the Milky Way, bendthe rings of Saturn and punchthe man in the moon in the face!CommanderCrude seemstobeinanespeciallyghastly moodGhastly?!ForaKingkongleader,that'slaid back!!do you seeKingkongs. our missionis to uncover the secretsof the planet, Genisick,and use them to crush theFederation! In the mean-1There he goesagain. .withthat “Off Ошу”sign! What ISit with him,їп а previous life,he worked for aCAB COMPANY onaTV SitCom! It'shard to breakcertain habits!
Something verystrange, AdmiralQuirk! I'm getting an energyreading comingfrom inside Mr.Spook's quarters!Gym! Help me!Why did youleave me onthe planetGenisick.without anyluggage.?—enWow! Lookat THAT!Do you seewhatI see?We sure do! It's the new Staship, "Exseltzer" asure-firemerchandising gimmick for ourStar Blecch IV"!That's SPOOK!It.it's Mr.Spook's voice!No, it's BonyMcGoy! Bony,what are youDOING. 2!?His family plot?Yes He WAS tobe buried in anOrthodox Vulgancemetery! Therelatives werethere! We had аDeli platter—Wanna hear my JackNicholson? also doCharles Bronson anda pretty fair ClintEastwood! "Go aheadmake my дау." don't think so! They makemillions in Vegas with Elvisimpressions! could cleanup impersonatingarecentlydead cult figure like роок!Sorry, QuirkI'm afraidthat wear andtear have takl have neverseen such aQuirk, I've cometo find out whyyou sent my son'sbody to Genisick,when his familyplot is on Vulgan?Im doing Mr. Spook!Besides, my sonSpook is notcompletely dead!Not completelydead?! Isn't that( like being alitE. tle bit pregnant?d aulPlease reconsider,Commander! 1—1'!start using GrecianFormula! l'Il startpumping iron! l'Ilstart popping Vitamin C pills! lI—My son's BODYis on Genisick,but his SPIRITis HERE! AndId like themto be TOGETHER! ma nuton neatness!!prize"! It's becomethe Edsel of OuterSpace! We're going tohave to make changes!A Vulgan mindmelt! I'm trying to figureout where hisspirit voicecomes from!Yes.the“Boobyprize”will boldlygo where noStarship hasgone beforeintoMOTHBALLS!Quirk, this filmoffers adventure,fun and some neatspecial effects!Why nit pick o“understandin;Besides, thinkthe answer lieson Genisick.
Lt. Slavic gem]and Davey f ReportMockupof f location![ the Survey ITeam.reporting )Are youontheplanet[d Genisick?[Notsure! There'snothing here butT ] And he's AGING icemeteries, strangehas regeneratedadecreasing from tropical to freezing.!life form! It's—it's a BABY CAP-enTAIN SPOOKLEMONS[ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH.be dead,Get into thebut PARTSspace shipare stillwith him.!!ofhimvery muchPPUBERTY! eBut. WhyisheIsitTHATSCREAMING? Bony.!You're4[5BOYHOOD.toSECONDSof PUBERTY?painful?Wouldn'tYouscream?! TEDEEHe says there's / Spook mayback seat of agoing from“Genisick Effect{J a temperature that'sonly one way!!RAPIDLY! He'sUnbelievable!Ў crawling things, andнотаZcandidateHAFederationfortheх ]Then whyam!I'llexplain!Yes.andBefore hedied, Spookactingthewas able tolikeafamousperfectedbyanancienttransfer HIS "Mind-Melt" Earthlingrejectmind into ) from "TheFunny Farm! Exorcist"?"developedby theVulgans?namedReverendMoon!p"Isn't thisterriblyout of line,Admiral.stealing the"Boobyprize"againstFederationorders.?It's the only way,Zulu! Our missionisto zoom to theplanet Genisick,pick up Spook'sbody, and bring itback to his homeon Vulgan.Some come-The Supershipdown! Oncewe were thegreatestStarship inthe fleet!Now we'renothing buta HEARSE!1 CAN'T DO that, Sir!"Exseltzer" is in pursuitPlease!! I've been giv-of us! Giveing these same commandme IMPULSEPOWER, Mr.Spott.!!MIЕwords for years, and I'mbored stiff with them! performmiracles!! :
Admiral Quirk.this is CommanderCrude ofthe Kingkongs! commandyou to surrender!I'll never do that!Admiral,the Kingkongs areboardingThen you will PERISH!You fools!You Kingkongs cannotwin against the Federation! It's likebanging your headagainst a brick wall!our headsagainstbrick wallsis ourLet them board,Spotty! We havegoodness and deB cency on our side!үBangingQuirk, unless we get the secretof Genisick, am going to killone of these hostages! Which onewill it be? The girl.? YourIs there no limit to yourevil, Commander Crude. ?First you are a treacherousvillain.and now, you'rea sleazy Game Show Host!2 A RS.speclalty!!But they'llKILL us!!In that casego to Plan В!Crude, Гуе lost туI've got a score to settleSON and my SHIP!This has NOT been [3 with YOU TOO, Quirk! Choosea good day for myyour weapons: phasers, photontorpedoes, germ warfare. 5Star Log entry!:yWhen goodnessand decency justaren't enough.How aboutplain, old-„use TRICKERY andECEIT! Set the shipto self-destruct whilewe escape by beamingdown to Genisick. !!Now, let me at theother one.theepic filled withglitzy million dollar effects, at lasta FRESH IDEA.mЕҢ Weather Forecaster.Who predicted‘PARTLY CLOUDY”for this planet!iWW
Mr. Spook isbarely alive!Our only hope is to zoom him to the— ———n—Where you rightfully belong! Thisis “The Planet Of The Sequel:planet where he rightfully belongs!3It's a ritualisticweceremony! The HighfinallyPriestess istry-madeittoVulgan! Not THIS! NotmHow'd they getShe was their sec-We're hisRemember back in 1970.Dame Judithond choice! Theyfriends!“Old Blue Eyes" came back?!?Andersonto[1WANTED ValerieLevel withingto regenerate makea cameoBertinelli.the mind and body appearance as f but she had otherof Mr. Spook!the Priestess?THAT is the question! 15itthe same Spook we knew—the logical, clear-thinkingcomrade and friend. ?огhas hechangedradically?us! HowNo, haven't changed, Gym!I'm back asthe same oldSpook!!And then іп 1975."Sedakais Баск!”?!? Well, it's 2297.and now SPOOK IS BACK!?Remember! Theneeds of theMANY outweighthe needs ofthe ONE!(Аh— ДMainly. withoutthis ONE character. ME.therewouldn't be MANYmore sequels.
NURSERY WHINES DEPT.I drool because I've got поteeth! What's their excuse?\її walk when I'vegot someplace to go!M(aShould throw up firstor poop first?yc;
If it's THAT valuable, can give them plenty more!Мата!? Dada? They allI had three naps this after-look the same to те!!б,САnoon! Now.- wanna РАВТҮ!!
DROPPED DEAD DEPT.No matter how high its rating, no matter how much it’sTHE TV PRIMETloved by the public, every prime time television seriesEARTIST: BOB CLARKEGUI pert trair (1Sora DODAсегaaaeBONN apiea E[Sn yepсуоni улс:полі\1979)
eventually reaches the end of its life! And where.besides syndication.does it end up? You guessed it! InМЕ GRAVEYAWRITER: FRANK JACOBSP.MSuckPorn 1970 Rogersру TuBorn 1972 20121 1383"Died or н адаSaming ioi
Тһе BionicWoman‘Born 1976—Died 1978days and'nights;:Dying: gave them:sсасуC: 4 "Sh. api3:опSImеDied тов.Юр.ERaam Mi тал BR84Быр Согра: MiaeSenonakaPabloBorn 1983: -—nDied 1984Death at astY:RomтyaoDied 5s)Nite гаAnd desolation,Movies brougntReldearmation:
OUR NATIONAL BLASTIME DEPT.Remember when the game was baseball? Well, now the game is business! And what better “player”to honor than George Swinebrenner, owner/dictator of the BIG APPLES, the unanimous choice as.ПАО 5 BASEBALLFI know, you're wondering what a semi-legend like Drone River (plug-plug!) is doing іп Mad Magazine,dressed like a reporter! Oh, come on! belong in Vogue! The Enquirer! But not Mad! Well,Johnny Carson couldn't make it, and since I'm his numero uno replacement, got stuck, right?So let's get on with this nonsense.Mr.Oh, please, have youSwineYou're fired! won'tever seen me in stripes?brenner, Ml allow any of my employees BI. They make my chest lookcanХо have long hair! Weconcave! Besides, don'twehave an image to uphold!work for you! Today I'm atalk?Get yourself a crewcut ifreporter, kindayou want to wear the BigApple pin stripes, rookie!ARTIST: JACK DAVISA reporter?Whathappened?Did Billypunch you?Fief, getin here!WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE\
You can't fireBilly, boss—you alreadydid—3 or4times,HorgetThat's just it!How can theywrite about myteam withoutmentioning me!Тат the team!You call thathonest reporting?But why?Because can't rememberhow manytimes youfired Billy?Hmm, as longaswe'reonthe subjectof your team,why don'tthey winthe Pennant? .Butyoudid,boss—thepitching}coach!That's ridiculous!1 would neverfire anyone forthat!Im firingyou because haven't firedanyone today!Rememberme? I'mhere tointerviewLike hell theyare—even thevideo game umpswon't give те аbreak! He wassafe, you idiot!Open yourIt's the umpires!If they wouldonly let me firea few of thosecreeps when theymake a call disagree with,we could win it! @# %&*eyes!I'm always happy tocooperate with themedia— even thoughthey're alwayslooking to screw me!Like here—read this.It's just awrite-up ofyesterday'sgame!You'renot evenmentioned!The battingpitcher, pinchhitters,when tosteal.the littlethings!Another reason? Mymanager— whoeveritis that week—doesn't listen tome! don't interfere, but can'tmake a suggestionnow and then!order, startingwe Neh А?These arethe exmanagersImpayingnottomanageTalk ers!Actually,all thishiring andfiring iscausedCore dn;George,you meansportswriterspressure youinto firingа тапаве? Absolutely! Theyalways give thosestories bigheadlines, andsince I can'tresist seeing myname up there, Iget the picture! Tell me,when you firea secretary, doyou continue topay her for notsecretarying?Only if it wouldpapers! Come on,TII take you onthe grand tourof my domain!First, the player'slocker room!get my name in theLOCKER
641 don't believeit! Me inaroom with 25gorgeous nakedhunks! Thisnever happenedon theCarson Show!I usually don'tapprove oflady reportersin here, butОкау,K zi Jd xVSIBM up 4,AllRCA up 9,you guys, foeGMup5,gold up 12 an ounce,with the ERAand all thatwheat futuresup 7,equalitypork bellies. cess isIt's easy whenyou talk theirlanguage!They're intomegabucksmore thanAh, baseball! Nothing, if your familyis entertained byWhat's morejocks spitting tobaccosuitableand scratching theirfamilyentertainment anatomy in public!Not to mentionthan ourfans gettingNationaltanked on beer.Pastime?Beer, my over-ratedcomic, is the very"ijt" of the wordprof-it! What redblooded macho mancan refuse to drink beer in a ballpark? It's anti-American!Of course! It would beBut youanti-American not to! chargeto keep thetriple do my partflowing!Likethe cost J economythese choice seats—would in Eepriced beyond the rangeof the average fan!a store! Vo„АWhy do they send a womanbrenner,Iknow—it'sAnti-Americanfor these things? Listen,Bimbo, only a few fat catscan afford season boxes!not to playiaround withBut large corporations can1taxes! Soundscharge it to “entertainment!” like the deckis stacked inNo one gets hurt exceptyour favor.Uncle Sam! Besides.13 (Ши! niLike hellit ieven own this stadium! Itbelongs to “the people!”Well, just made "thepeople” shell out 100million buckstofix upthis ball par[ШЇЇ ыAEке ар1love it—this city, which isbroke, shelled out millionsof dollars to fix up this placeand not only do they haveto pay to get in, thebest seats are onlyavailable tolarge corporations!П][čР
Look—all this talk mademe forget the game!Along fly! We shouldscore! Send himhome, you idiotWhat? He was safe!That ump is blind!The coach shouldnever have sentthat lard-butthome! I'm goingto fire himright now!Aren'tyougoingto waituntilafterthe game?Don't tell meyou'd movejustforaWhat do you take me for? love this city! Fief, did hesay anything about parkingstadium.programs, hot dogs, peanuts?biggerconcessions,beer, souvenirs,It'll give the reporters.something to write aboutinstead of the outcome of thisgame—which we'll probablylose anyway! Jake, flash onthe message! Whatta ya mean"Who?" The third base coach,whoever he is, that's rnorof Connecticut called!He's willing to build youa stadium that seats95000 if you movethe franchise!What aboutyour loyal,dedicatedBig AppleIf they're so loyal anddedicated, they won'tmind driving a fewmiles! think it’s afew miles. where IsShall callapressconference,Of course not! We gottamilk this a few weeks!Spread some rumors, let itleak out to the press,deny it, rehire Billy.This is where came intDrone River signing offfor Mad Magazine!
CRASHINGBORE DEPT,If you’ve ever flown, you know that every airline passenger is provided withreading material to help while away the time and make you forget how boringand uncomfortable the trip really is. This reading material usually consistsof three items: (1) A magazine that extols the virtues of the airline you'reflying, (2) A mail order catalogue of products that are sold by the airlineyou're flying, and (3) A safety information guide that makes you wish you'dnever heard of the airline you're flying. With this idiotic article, we takeRIREIHIEISRESTNDAD ANgeiS. n paper!kohstudecorpycnegremeeinAirl7—SAFETY INFORMATIONSEGURIDAD1INFORMATION DETESECURIRENSIGNEMENTS POUR VOTREBOING7 27НFATBELLY(AROUND THE iioROTSA RUCKWRITER AND ARTIST: AL JAFFEEHOW TO LOCATE THIS CARDFORCED LANDING AT SEA PROCEDUREz Aи
.ушlaDlkorowlelmwyetetlufEMERGENCY LANDING POSITIONEMERGENCY ( \EXITS oÁ
ERGENCY —EMNGNIPE O TSXIRE000OPENING EMERGENCYWINDOW EXITS21
LOST ITEMSHey, Mamy Biology book! Do YOUknow where itis. .?Al Yes! put itin your room! :АToday was Michael's firstday of school, and tookhim right to the doorYou never heard such cryingand screaming and hystericalcarrying-on in your life!!Thanksаheap.!! М V guess it's normal for a childwho's had the security of a homeгапа is suddenly uprooted andplaced in a strange environment.to be a little frightened!NO WONDER he cried so much!!Now, l'Il NEVER find w) i е»Not HIM.!! ME!
SELF-CONFIDENCElused to have such feelings of INFERIORITY! always believed that was [с сbut a LOSER!Well, now that I'm seeingan Analyst, things have( ү begun to change!!1 now have complete confidencein myself! feel that now I'ma winner! feel that can nowgo out and conquer the world!Who is this QUACK that'sfilling your head withsuch unmitigated garbage?! j\gy/папACCIDENTSCOPENIm awfully sorry! I'msuch а klutz! spilleda tray of hors d'oeuvreson your beautiful carpet!TAY07]У СА. uxARTIST & WRITER:DAVE BERG
25SoiAre youkidding?!?Would be practicing the plano if she wasn't. ?!? Y4E etdayERIAАWhen I grow up, I'm gonna be RICHERthan you! An' l'm gonna buy up all thegold and diamonds in the whole world!DATINGOh, yeah?! What makes you thinkҮт gonna SELL 'em to you?!? TELEVISIONY'know, I'm getting a lot ofpleasure out of our TV set!Pul But.it's beenbroken for weeks!OoOO15 my date here yet? No!ФLooks likeI've beenstood up!Darn it! He's nowhere insight! I'm getting worried! ÉLE:«NWhat time washe supposedto be here?Not for another half an hour!!
What's going Justa littleON here?!? game of poker!That'sGAMBLING!No, it isn't.!We're not usingmoney! We're playing for matchsticks!Wasn't right? Isn't thisthe cutest. the quaintestold-fashioned restaurant?To me, that's thesame as money.! It is?The DECOR maybe quaint andold-fashioned!(feesЖАDaddy! Lookat what thedog didi!Oh, my gosh!!I'd bettercall the Vet!Doctor, our dogThat soundsjust chewed upserious! Youand swallowedbetter meetmy lead pencil! 5 me at my VetWhat shouldHospital inmhalf an hour!EenЧИШ;LSШШЩ;WOYes, Doctor.but whatdo do іп the meantime?In that case, here's a giftbox of matches! Go out andsplurge on something nicefor your birthday. !!But the PRICES are MODERN!
POSITIVE WINKING DEPT.MAD has always been known as a cynical rag that loves to take pot shots at famouspersonalities, hallowed institutions and momentous events. And we’re proud to haveearned our lofty reputation as the Number One Groin-Kicker of the magazine field.But we don’t like being regarded as mere неthinkers who cannot see the forest for the sleaze.So, muchas it hurts,AINARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGEMADnow1НЕputs on a positive13faceWRITER:to ery:TOMKOCHaT?.that we enjoyed 30 glorious years. ofkilling bugs with chemicals before enough.that when you're rich enough, you can affordfo buy a belt buckle that bears the initials ofof the poison accumulated to kill people too?some famous fashion designer instead of your own!AIN'T IT GREAT. that the Iranians are willing j.that UPC code pricing has brought nenew excitement toto sell us their oil again, justshopping by preventing us from learning how much we’veas if nothing ever happened!spent until we reach the supermarket check-out counter!27
.that we live in a land of opportunity. where.that we live in an open society where anymiddle-aged housewife appearing on televisioncan feel free to talk about her *hemorrhoids"!Brooke Shields can become more rich andfamous than actresses who possess real talent!АІМ ”Т ІТ GREAT.aNREAPTTTHEMивШПшШАПELE4441TxMill.uo SyerMU jjEWC, 12(WEN MS.that we now have enough nuclear weapons to.that Medical Science has extended our lifespanto the point where we can now expect to live for 10more years after we enter an expensive nursing home!28: 2.that we don't have to worry about who wins
4 FREE MAD "SUPER SPECIALS" WITH A 40 ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION 3(AND SAVE 1100) "OUR CHOICE! 2'FREE MAD "SUPER SPECIALS" WITH A 24 ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION . MAD Magazine buy MAD Magazine (nine more times) MAD Magazine is much cheaper than sex but not as funny. Brian Baer Monroe, LA
