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The SoapboxNovember 28, 2018“All the news fake enough to print”The Unseen Life of a Billboard ManRichmond, VA—Millions of people pass by them every single day: billboards. Some marketing expertscall them the most effective form of advertisement. But how do these simple, yet complex formsof advertising get displayed? There is much mystery and intrigue into a world that very few areaware of: the world of billboard men.Billboard men are people whosejob is to put up and take down billboards, occasionally repairing thewear and tear of a billboard. Whileknown to the public as billboard men,the professional term for someonewho puts up and takes down billboards is a “billy.” The average billyworks about 368 billboards, yearround. This means an average ofabout 1 billboard is put up by 1 billyper day. This is an amazing feat within itself, as the average person can take up to 17 days putting up a billboard, but billies can put up a new board in about 5 hours. Sadly, there are only1000 billies left in America, with new digital billboards that require less maintenance and a onetime installment mean that billies never have to change the advertisements displayed. In orderto document and record this dying industry for the future, we sent field reporter, Pierce Chancy,to follow the local billy, Bill Boardson throughout his average day.Mr. Boardson starts his day off by getting in his billboard repair truck and driving to hisdestination of the day. His “territory” is the Richmond City area, which includes surroundingcounties such as Henrico and Hanover. Boardson drives for typically 1-2 hours until he arrivesat his destination. Before starting his work, Boardson explained the terminology used in theindustry: the structure that the advertisements are displayed on are known as the “bill,” thelong board the advertisements are displayed on is known as the “board,” and the advertisementitself is known as the “subtle brainwashing center” or “SBC” for short. After explaining, Boardson started to work. He took down the previous, old board in less than 45 minutes, but that wasthe easiest part. He had to assemble a new board to put the new SBC on, starting by choppingdown trees near the bill. After some simple sawing and sanding, Boardson had transformed the

logs into a beautiful 20 x 66 board in only1 hour. Then, Boardson painted the boardwith the new SBC, using a small flyer as aguideline, which took roughly 45 minutes.The hardest part of the entire operationwas installing the board onto the bill. Inorder to do this, Boardson had to hold theboard in one hand, while climbing up thebill with the other, and after about 2 hourshe reached the top, and attached the boardin about 30 minutes after climbing. Boardson then drives for around another 30-45 minutes to other billboards inorder to repair cracks in the boards.The life of a billboard man is rough,from people not knowing who you are, tothe difficulty of the job, things can getpretty brutal. But one thing is for sure,billboard men work too hard to not havetheir abilities recognized by the public.Please, call your local billy at 1-800223213-BILLY and tell them how muchyou appreciate them. Also, billboard appreciation day is coming up on December4th, so make a gift basket and leave it at abillboard near you to show the billies howmuch you care.story tall balloons. With no exception tousual protocol, every rat had to go throughintensive job screenings, provide proof oftheir United States citizenship, and statetheir origin of birth. Not that it was aproblem, for all them were at least a thirdgeneration New York native and had immigrated to the States through legal channels.At first the vermin volunteers weremeant to work side by side with humanfloat wranglers, however, prejudice veteran and newbies opposed working withthem. After several reports of rats beingassaulted and verbally abused in theworkplace, Macys made the executive decision to ONLY have rat wranglers featured in the parade. “It's absolutely sickening to me that vermin and human volunteers cannot coexist in a professionalwork environment,” said Jeff Gennette,current chief executive officer of Macy's,Inc. “I mean, we are all American bornand raised. It's awful that these fellowNYC natives have to face such racismfrom coworkers. but I believe we madethe right decision to only have them working the parade this year.”—Pierce ChanceyMacy’s Hires Vermin asFloat WranglersNew York City, NY—Gearing up for their famous, annualThanksgiving Day Parade, Macy's has justfinished training their latest volunteersfor the coveted position of float handler. Inattempt to bring more diversity and representation for the citizens of New YorkCity, 300 local city rats have been taughtthe strenuous technique of controlling six-We attempted to reach several ofthe new parade float wranglers for inter-

view, but unfortunately all of them weretoo busy prepping for the big day. If onething is for sure, their work ethic and dedication to the job is completely unprecedented, so we predict to see local rats collaborating with New York City even morein the future for public events such as this.Tune in to NBC on Thursday, November28th at 9am to witness this annual historical tradition that is sure to make you feelthankful for your country!—Anna WershbaleMillennial Internrack of test tubes. Vanmutt frantically attempted to absorb the mess with papertowels but only succeeded in drippingsome of the liquid into a Mason jar. Theturning point in this story occurred whenVanmutt decided the chemical sludge inher jar was “pretty” and took the glowingsubstance home to bring it back the nextday so she could show her coworkers.However, when she brought the substancein, her bosses immediately grew concernedand spent days analyzing her concoction.“It’s amazing,” said Bill Nye, a world renowned scientist. “We can’t find any holesin our calculations. We . . . well, actuallyVanmutt . . . may have just created immortality.”Discovers Cure for Death.?San Francisco, CA—A young Erica Vanmutt chanced upon a cure for ageing at 3:32 in the morningthis past Wednesday in California. Thediscovery has rocked the science community. Humanity has struggled with finding acure for death ever since the first humanswalked the earth, and now there is a possibility that they have taken the mostmonumental leap forwards in the historyof life on earth. Famous scientists havemade this mission their lives’ work andhave died only seeing minimal progress.They have all attempted to contribute tothe quality and longevity of existence, butall pale in comparison to the new Einstein:Vanmutt.The twenty-five-year-old was alonein her lab in Silicon Valley watching herfavorite playlist of RIP Vine compilationswhile filing papers for an unpaid internship when she accidentally knocked over aVanmutt is ecstatic about her newfound fame and attributes all her successto two things; the first being her favoritevine: “Road work ahead. Uh, yeah, I surehope it does.” Vanmutt has been quotedsaying, “I was just watching the Vineswhile doing my work and I got really excited when ‘Road work ahead’ came on so Iturned around really fast and that’s howeverything got knocked over.” Scientistsworldwide are baffled by A) the power thatVine compilations have on millennials andB) how incredible Vanmutt’s creation is.

But while they are all overcome with joyfor this advancement, they have concededslightly on certain points Vanmutt was adamant about. Because she is technicallythe founder of this innovation, Vanmutthas demanded that her dog Bark-ackObama be the first to receive eternal life. “Iowe everything to my dog,” she saidthrough tears. “I just . . . I love him somuch. My dog is my life; I don’t knowwhere I’d be without him. He’s my lil stressreliever.” Vanmutt’s employer has releasedstatements discussing their wish to granthumans immortality first, but have ultimately given their consent to Bark-ackObama, the first immortal dog.omy in the near future. After Trump’s at-tempt to tariff imported drugs failed, theadministration has outlawed importeddrugs. Now, America is the only place youcan purchase your drug of choice. Smokeweed? Get it here. Wanna try some harderdrugs? As long as you get them from a localdealer, you’re golden. “It is up to us, asAmericans, to respect the integrity of theselaws. If you or a loved one have purchaseddrugs from Mexico, shame on you,” Trumpstated in his press conference. An unnameddrug lord of one of the most profitable cartels in Mexico spoke out on the subject:—Maddy Landa“Things just keep getting worse and worse.We lost the world cup, now, with this newAmerican law, my cartel is on the verge ofTrump Vows toNationalize Illegal DrugsWashington, DC—There’s no getting around it— illegalcollapsing.” The market for domestic drugs,however, is now booming in the UnitedStates. Dealers are overjoyed with theirsales! Meanwhile, cartels in Mexico are seeing their stock drop tremendously. Withoutdrugs have been an epidemic in the 21stinvestors, Mexican drug quality and quanti-century United States. But not because ofty are both going down. As the demand goesthe long-term health effects, increasingup, United States dealers are starting tooverdoses, or demoralization of our youth.cross the southern border to supply drugs.No, it’s because of our support for foreignTrump has recently assured the public thateconomy. The problem has recently beenimported drugs will never happen again.targeted by President Trump in an attemptStay tuned for more news on a documentaryto bolster our domestic economy. Thecoming out later this year on effects of thisTrump administration claims that drug us-new law!age has created a strong economy in Mexi-—Kyle Stephensonco, which will surpass America’s drug econ-