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Section I: What Is a Successful Mentoring Relationship?They were the mentors who were ultimately able to make a differencein the lives of youth. The following pages say much more about eachof these mentor characteristics. The importance of each is illustratedthrough the voices of actual mentors and young people talking to youabout their relationships and how they came to be.We hope this guide will be a valuable resource to you as you movethrough your mentoring relationship. Don’t forget to also rely on yourmentoring program’s staff for advice and support as you build trust,understanding, and a new friendship with your mentee.“Learning to trust—especially for young peoplewho have already been letdown by adults in their lives—is a gradual process.”About the ResearchBehind This BookThe P/PV researchdiscussed in this bookfocused on Big BrothersBig Sisters’ communitybased program models.The advice and quotes inthis book are derived fromthese community-basedprograms. Mentors inschool-based settings (orother environments, suchas worksites or churches)may have other importantrelationship characteristicsand strategies in addition tothose mentioned here. Seethe companion guidebookThe ABCs of School-BasedMentoring in this series foradditional information thatmay be relevant to buildingrelationships in schoolsettings.3

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Section II.The 10 Principles ofEffective Mentoring1Be afriendMentors are usually described as “friends.” But what does thatmean? What makes someone a friend? One mentor talks aboutfriendship this way:I’m more a brother or a friend, I guess, than a parent oranything. That’s the way I try to act and be with him. I don’twant him to think—and I don’t think he does—that I’m likea teacher or a parent or something. I don’t want him to beuncomfortable, like I’m going to be there always looking overhis shoulder and always there to report him for things hedoes wrong and that he tells me. I just want to be there ashis friend to help him out.The reality is that mentors have a unique role in the lives ofchildren and youth. They are like an ideal older sister or brother—someone who is a role model and can provide support and gentleguidance. They are also like a peer, because they enjoy having funwith their mentee. But they aren’t exactly either of these.Sometimes it seems easier to talk about what mentors are by describing what they should not be:¶Don’t act like a parent. One of the things your mentee willappreciate about you is that you are not his or her parent. Howevermuch they love their parents, young people might sometimes see themprimarily as people who set rules and express disapproval. Youth needother adults in their lives, but they are unlikely to warm to a friendshipwith an unrelated adult who emphasizes these parental characteristics.A mentor explains how he avoids acting like a parent:A couple of times his mom has said, well, you know, I waswondering if you could talk to Randy. He had some behav-5

Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentorsior problem in school. And I just said to Randy, “Hey, youknow, what’s going on?” and was just mostly light about itbecause it was nothing really major. You don’t want to turnthe kid off: Oh, you better this, this, and this. . . . It’s not agood idea to use the meetings for, “Well, if you don’t do thisthen we don’t meet” type of thing. That’s like the worst thingyou could do because then he’s being punished twice. Because usually the mother has something else that she’s doneto punish him, you know, he’s grounded or he can’t watchtelevision. And then for me to say, “Well, we’re not going tomeet because you don’t know how to behave in school”—there’s no real correlation to us meeting and him behavingin school.¶Don’t try to be an authority figure. It can be difficult fora youth to befriend an unknown adult. You want to help therelationship evolve into one of closeness and trust—but if you soundlike you think you know everything and you tell your mentee what todo and how to act, you are likely to jeopardize your ability to build thattrust. If youth feel that they risk criticism when they talk to you aboutsomething personal, they are unlikely to open up to you.A mentor talks about being a friend: I remember beingraised as a kid. I don’t think kids respond well to beingtold, “I want you to do this or else.” I think kids aren’tgoing to respond to that. I think you have to let kids talkto you on their level, and when they feel comfortableenough. . . . I said, “Look, if you ever want to talk aboutanything. . . . We’ll talk about your father. . . . If you everwant to say something, like that your mother makes youangry, I’m not going to tell her anything. I’ll just sit here andlisten.”¶Don’t preach about values. Don’t try to transform the mentee.Take a “hands-off” approach when it comes to the explicittransmission of values. And especially, hold back opinions or beliefsthat are in clear disagreement with those held by the youth’s family.In general, young people do not like being told how they should thinkor behave—and they are uncomfortable if they feel that their familyis being criticized. Preaching about values is likely to make it difficultfor you to build a trusting relationship. Don’t preach; instead, teach—silently, by being a role model and setting an example.A mentor describes the “hands-off” approach: I wouldnever correct her, you know. Because I just didn’t thinkthat was part of my function. I feel very strongly that it’snot one person’s place to try to change another person’svalues. My belief is that you cannot change other people.6

Section II: The 10 Principles of Effective MentoringYou can expose them to things and provide them with theopportunity to change, but you cannot actually, physicallychange them.¶ DO focus on establishing a bond, a feeling of attachment,a sense of equality, and the mutual enjoyment of sharedtime. These are all important qualities of a friendship.A youth talks about her mentor and friend: Oh, it’s funbecause I never really had a sister. It’s fun, it’s someone that,you know, you can do things with besides your mother. . . Well, I don’t really do anything with my mother becausewe have like two separate things. She goes to work, I go toschool, she comes home and, you know, we’re just there. Wedon’t do anything. So this really gives me a chance to dosomething with somebody I really like.It can be a challenge for mentors to step outside traditional adultyouth authority roles. The successful mentors are the ones who can bea positive adult role model while focusing on the bonding and fun of atraditional friendship.2Have realistic goalsand expectationsWhat do you expect will change for your mentee as a result of his orher relationship with you? How will life be different? How will it feeldifferent?Strong mentoring relationships do lead to positive changes in youth.These changes tend to occur indirectly, as a result of the close andtrusting relationship, and they often occur slowly over time. If youexpect to transform your mentee’s life after six months or a year ofmeetings, you are going to be frustrated. The rewards of mentoring are,most often, quieter and more subtle. As one mentoring researcher putit, “Mentoring may be more like the slow accumulation of pebbles thatsets off an avalanche than the baseball bat that propels a ball from thestadium.”2Mentors might have specific goals for their mentees. They might, forexample, want the youth to attend school more regularly and earnbetter grades. They might want him or her to improve classroom2Darling, N. (2005). Mentoring adolescents. In DuBois, D.L., & Karcher, M.J. (Eds.),Handbook of youth mentoring. (p. 182). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.7

Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentorsbehavior or get along better with peers. But these should not be theprimary targets of your efforts. If they are—and if you spend your timetogether trying to direct your mentee toward these goals—you willjust seem like another parent or teacher.Developing a trusting relationship can take time and patience. You areunlikely to be able to achieve this trust if you approach the relationshipwith narrow, specific goals aimed at changing your mentee’s behavior.Instead, you can:¶Focus on the whole person and his or her overall development. Do not focus narrowly on performance and change.A mentor describes his goals for the relationship: I wantto provide my mentee with some stability in his life. I meanI don’t think he’s had too much, just because of his familylife and his mother’s changing jobs a lot and sometimes sheworks days and sometimes she works nights. And I think itwould help him just to have somebody there that’s going tobe there and help. Hopefully, I can provide different experiences for him too . . . things like going to a professional basketball game or things where he can get out and see what’sout there, because he doesn’t get to do that much with hisfamily. And simple things, like one of the first times we wentout, we just went downtown to a park. And he’d never beenthere, and it’s just right downtown, he lives just a mile fromthere, a few miles away from that. So it’s just things like getting out and seeing things and knowing what’s going on.¶Especially early on, center your goals on the relationshipitself. During the first months of meetings with your mentee, yourprimary goal should be to develop a consistent, trusting, and mutually satisfying relationship. You are very likely to find that you derive asense of meaningful accomplishment from the relationship itself, fromthe growing closeness and trust.A mentor describes his satisfaction with the evolvingrelationship: He started to open up to me a little more.When we’re together, he initiates a lot more conversationand stuff like that. . . . And I guess it does feel like, asI wanted it to feel, more like a big brother/little brotherrelationship instead of me being an authoritarian figure. Idon’t want to feel like I’m here and I’m older than you, sowhatever I say goes. I don’t want it to be like that.¶Throughout the relationship, emphasize friendship overperformance. A strong mentoring friendship provides youth witha sense of self-worth and the security of knowing that an adult is thereto help, if asked. This friendship is central, and it is eventually likely8

Section II: The 10 Principles of Effective Mentoringto allow you to have some influence on your mentee’s behavior andperformance outside the relationship. As your relationship becomesstronger and more established, your mentee may begin to approachyou with requests for more direct advice or help. If and when yourrelationship reaches this stage, be sure to maintain a balance betweenattempts to influence the youth’s behavior and your more primary goalof being a supportive presence. Keep the focus on your friendship.A boy describes how his mentor’s emphasis on performance has pushed him away: Kids don’t really want to,you know, listen to all that preaching and stuff. And thenit’s like: Are you done yet? Can I go now? I wouldn’t mindgetting some advice on girls, you know, maybe he can sharea little bit of his knowledge. But I can’t ask him about girlsbecause he’d bring up school. I’d probably figure he wouldsay, “Well, first of all you don’t need to be worrying aboutgirls right now, you need to worry about your grades, youknow.” I’m like, oh, brother.3Have funtogetherYoung people often say that “the best thing about having a mentor isthe chance to have fun,” to have an adult friend with whom they canshare favorite activities. The opportunity to have fun is also one of thegreat benefits of being a mentor. However, for some mentors, fun mightappear trivial in light of the scope and scale of unmet, pressing needsthat may be present in the lives of their mentee. Thus, it is importantto remember that fun is not trivial—for youth, having fun and sharingit with an attentive adult carry great weight and a meaning beyond arecreational outlet, a chance to “blow off steam,” or an opportunity toplay.There are a number of reasons why you should focus on participatingin activities with your mentee that are fun for both of you:¶Many youth involved in mentoring programs have fewopportunities for fun. Having fun breaks monotony, providestime away from a tense home situation, or introduces them to experiences they would not otherwise have.A youth talks about life: My mom doesn’t usually stay atour house, she usually stays with her boyfriend. So it’s like,you know, what did you have kids for if you’re not going topay any attention to them or whatever? . . . But I just say,9

Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentorshey, my mom can do what she wants, I can stay home bymyself, it don’t really matter. I don’t have very many peoplewho stay with me. So I’m usually home by myself now. . . I used to go home, stay in my room, watch TV all dayand never do nothing. And then when I started seeing mymentor, it’s like, I don’t know, I just changed. I like doingthings now. . . . You know, it’s like I never got to do thosekinds of things before.A youth describes his enjoyment of new experienceswith his mentor: I get out of my neighborhood now andget to go places. . . . I probably didn’t see any movies beforeI had him, and I’ve seen about 100 movies now, which isfun because I was never in a movie theater before. That wasexciting . . . He’s kind of made it easier for me to get aroundto places, so I’m not stuck in the house all the time when noone’s home.¶Having fun together shows your mentee that you are reliable and committed. One mentor explains: “To get kids to wherethey know that you really care and can be trusted, you just have tospend time with them and do things that they like to do.” The observation is a good one. Youth see the adult’s interest in sharing fun asa sign that the mentor cares about them. They experience a growingsense of self-worth when their adult partner not only pays persistent,positive attention to them, but also willingly joins them in activitiesthe youth describe as fun.A youth speaks about feeling cared for: I think everybodyneeds a mentor. I think it changes their life a whole lot forthe better. . . . With having someone I know that cares aboutme or that would rather, you know, have fun . . . like goingsomewhere with me or have fun being with me, then I thinka whole lot of people would feel better about their self and,you know, be more confident in their self.¶Focusing on “fun” activities early in the relationship canlead to more “serious” activities later. As your mentee comesto see you as a friend, he or she is likely to be far more receptive tospending some of your time together in activities that are less obviously fun, such as working on school-related assignments. Alwaysbe sure that these more “serious” activities are not forced upon theyouth—that they are something your mentee seems agreeable todoing. Also be sure that activities such as schoolwork sessions are keptbrief, and that they do not became the primary focus of your meetingstogether.10

Section II: The 10 Principles of Effective MentoringA mentor talks about waiting: I wouldn’twant to do it in the first year of the relationship . . . just go to the library, and thenBurger King, and then go home. I don’t thinkthat’s fair to him. I just didn’t think it wasthe right way to start off, especially if he’sgot behavioral problems and doesn’t likeschool, and then on weekends I cart him offto the library. I don’t think that’s fun . . .and it’s one of my original objectives to letthe kid be a kid again. But I think I can doit now [spend some time doing educationalactivities] because we’ve been together longer and I think he understands I’m trying tohelp.A mentor describes how he keepsschoolwork in perspective: I’d say wework on homework on average maybe everytwo to three weeks.It’s not something to do every time because,quite frankly, I get sick of it too. . . . Whenwe meet, I usually let him give his input, andthen depending on what our schedule is thatday, I can kind of work with him a little bit.It’s like, we get a negotiating thing going—we’ll do homework for a half hour if we canplay football for a half hour.And remember, it is always possible to weaveeducational moments—real-life learning—into themost “fun” activities. This is the kind of learning thatyouth tend to enjoy—it is learning with an immediatepurpose and an immediate payoff—and they often don’teven realize that they are learning. You can, for example,encourage your mentee to figure out the rules of newgames, read road signs to help you figure out whereyou are going, or do the math to see if the two of youreceived the right amount of change for a purchase. Onementor discovered bowling. “Bowling is a great way toteach addition,” she says. “You’ve got to count the pinsand add the scores.”Having Fun Together inthe CommunityHow do youth and mentors spend their timetogether in community-based programs? Thereis an endless variety of activities matches can dotogether. What is important is that the menteeplay a role in deciding on the activity, and that itbe fun. Here are a few suggestions:Play gamesGo to the movies anddiscuss what you seePlay catchHang out and talkFind interestinginformation on theInternetListen to music eachof you enjoysShop for food andcook a mealWalk around the mallPlay chessTake photographstogetherWatch TV and talkabout what you seeSpend time together“doing nothing”Eat at a restaurantDo homework(although onlyoccasionally)Go bowlingShoot some hoopsGo to a baseball orbasketball gameGo to a museumGo to a concertGo to the libraryDo gardening togetherRead a book togetherDo woodworkingtogetherGet involved in acommunity serviceprojectTalk about yourfirst jobWrite a story togetherGive a tour of yourcurrent jobCreate artworktogetherTake a walk in the parkHave a picnicFly a kiteGo bargain huntingPlay miniature golfTalk about the future11

Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentors4Give your mentee voiceand choice in deciding onactivitiesBe sure that your mentee is a partner in the process of deciding whatactivities you will do together. Giving your mentee voice and choiceabout activities will:Q Help build your friendship: It demonstrates that you value yourmentee’s ideas and input and that you care about and respecther or him.Q Help your mentee develop decision-making and negotiationskills.Q Help avoid the possibility that you will impose “it’s-good-foryou” activities—like homework sessions—on your menteewithout her or his agreement. This kind of imposition may makeyou seem more like a teacher or parent than a friend.It might seem like it would be relatively easy to include your menteein the decision-making process, but often it is not. Mentees might bereticent about suggesting activities because:They don’t want to seem rude.A girl speaks about her belief

The original content of Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentors was based on Building Relationships with Youth in Program Settings: A Study of Big Brothers/Big Sisters, by Kristine V. Morrow and Melanie B. Styles (Public/Private Ventures, 1995). Linda Jucovy used that research report's insights, information, and many perceptive