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Feel aggrieved?Don’t stew. Raise a stink!These people didby andy simmonsI don’t mean to complain, but OK, actually, I do. And I’mnot alone. We all do it. And our gripes can get so ugly that we describethe very act as “venting one’s spleen”. Such is the world today that wewill whine about anything (“Ugh Why does global warming alwayshappen to me?!”) Just like every other creature that roams the earth(“Why does Earth have to be so muddy?!”), whiners come in differentshapes, sizes, and attitudes. See if you recognise yourself in any of thefollowing descriptions.Impossibleto PleaseA man who robbed a Wendy’s take awayoutlet in Atlanta was so put off by hisskimpy haul that he called the outlettwice to voice his disapproval. That’sbetter than what police say ArthurBundrage did. Bundrage approacheda Syracuse, New York, bank tellerand demanded 20,000. When hegot home, he discovered he’d beenshort-changed. Outraged, he stormedback to the bank to tell them what hethought of their service. That’s whenhe was arrested. Source: Associated PressEasilyOffendedFor all the money spent on holidays,is it too much to expect perfection?These travellers didn’t think so.Here’s a taste of what they told theirtravel agents: “On my holiday to India, I wasdisgusted to find that almost everyrestaurant served curry. I don’t likespicy food at all.” A star footballer was thrilled withhis ocean-view room in Manly, untilthe morning, when he complained thesound of the sea kept him awake.125

Following a trip to a famous themepark, one angry woman complainedthat the sun was so hot it melted herice-cream. An air traveller disapproved of allthe clouds in the sky, s aying they ruined her children’s game of I Spy.Source: Toronto Star, telegraph.co.ukSnidelywhiplashAn unimpressed guest sent thismissive to a British hotel regardingits decor:“The ’70s style really is makinga comeback, isn’t it? The fact thatyours is actually original gives theplace that touch of authenticity The lighting was also very good– and bright. No point in having agreat interior if it’s too dark to seeit, and you never know when youmight have to indulge in a bit ofcomplex cardiothoracic surgery,so it’s better to be safe than sorry,I say.”Richard Branson received this letter(with accompanying photos) from apassenger after a zero-star meal onBranson’s Virgin Airlines:“On the left, we have a piece ofbroccoli and some peppers in abrown glue-like oil, and on the rightthe chef had prepared some mashedpotato. The potato masher had obviously broken, and so it was decidedthe next best thing would be to passthe potatoes through the digestivetract of a bird ” From dearcustomerrelations.com126TechsavvyConfronting a neighbour is so 1990.Now, we can re-label our Wi-Fi networks to do the dirty work for us.According to BBC News, instead ofthe typical innocuous network nameslike “wireless1,” some flat residentsare encountering more creative onessuch as “Stop mooching our internet”,“Stop slamming the door!!!” and “Stopwearing heels!”Resortto cursesNo, not the @# % variety of cursing,but the old-fashioned eye-of-newtkind. That’s what comedian EugeneMirman did in a letter he published asan ad in the New York Times. It wasaddressed to execs at Time WarnerCable after an installation appointment had been cancelled. In it, hewished the following upon the suits: Every board member’s cell phone[should] ring loudly [and] announcetheir weight. Your second-born will smell likehot buttered popcorn. It’s not that badat first, but eventually I bet it will bemaddening.passiveaggressiveNot looking to get into a screamingmatch? Take a clue from this Christmas card, in which one neighbourwrites to another: “Sorry we have losttouch. I guess I have to accept yournot wanting to be friends anymore.Enjoy the holidays.”readersdigest.com.au 07/13

Has a recent meal out left a sour taste in your mouth?Take your reviews to the many restaurant and tourism siteson the internet and warn others: “Whatthey lack inquality,they makeup for withbutter.”“DON’T DOIT! Let mebe the onlyfoolish repeat customer!”“Onlythe flieson ourtableenjoyedthe meal.”“Nevergo there,they are monsters.”“Not whatit used tobe – andit did notuse to bemuch.”A beautiful sign adorns a building inChudleigh, Tasmania. It reads: “Building restored November 2003. Despitethe best e fforts of The National Trustand Mrs Patricia Woods.” Source: passiveaggressivenotes.comJust plainincredulousWriter Philip Roth recently took tothe pages of the New Yorker to sharehis disbelief that a popular onlineresource did not consider him anexpert on the works of Philip Roth.“I had reason recently to read forthe first time the Wikipedia entry discussing my novel The Human Stain.The entry contains a serious misstatement that I would like to have removed. This item entered Wikipedia not from the world of truthfulnessbut from the babble of literary gossip– there is no truth in it at all.“Yet when I petitioned Wikipedia to delete this misstatement [I was told] I was not a crediblesource: ‘I understand your point thatthe a uthor is the greatest authority on127

his own work,’ writes the Wikipediaadministrator – ‘but we require secondary sources.’ ”you can fight thebill collectorWhen Melbourne resident John Noblereceived a bill from AGL for 1900,allegedly for 18 months during whichthey had forgotten to bill him, he askedfor an itemised account. After furtherunitemised demands, he picked up hispen and wrote an epic that includes:“I’m sick of getting nonsensicalcorrespondence from you. I couldhave built a tower to the moon withthe amount of paper you’ve sent me.I no longer believe I will ever receivea bill that will satisfy my desire foraccuracy; no longer trust that yourorganisation is competent enough tosupply me with this information Insults tend to be the cherry on top of a grievance. To quoteAlice Roosevelt Longworth, “If you have nothing nice to say aboutsomeone, sit right next to me.” She’d have loved these:“In your case, I’d make it retrospective.”G o u g h W h i t l a m to a hec k ler dema nding to k now where he stood on ab or t i on .“A modest little person with much to be modest about.” Win ston Ch urc h il l“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”US actor Forrest Tuc k er“I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman’s hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness.”Pau l K e atin g on An d re w Pe acoc k128readersdigest.com.au 07/13

“The ombudsman and his lawsay that you guys, or people like you,are only allowed to back-charge mefor nine months because of ‘something they did or did not do’. You didnot send me a bill. Bingo! It also saysthat you need to give me at least aslong into the future to pay this bill“Finally, may I just say to the individual reading this letter: it’s notyou You personally are probablyalready looking for another job, andI hope you find one and move on tobigger and better things.” Source: dearcustomerrelations.comComplaint oflasting interestA night at the opera was ruined for thegreat Irish playwright George BernardShaw when a fellow patron of the artstook her seat in front of him wearinga feathered nightmare. Shaw was sohorror-struck, that he penned thisscreed to the London Times:“At nine o’clock (the Opera began ateight), a lady came in and sat downvery conspicuously in my line of sight.She remained there until the beginningof the last act. I do not complain ofher coming late and going early; onthe contrary, I wish she had come laterand gone earlier. For this lady, who hadvery black hair, had stuck over herright ear the pitiable corpse of a largewhite bird, which looked exactly as ifsomeone had killed it by stamping onthe beast and then nailed it to the lady’stemple, which was presumably of sufficient solidity to bear the operation.I am not, I hope, a morbidly squeamish person; but the spectacle sickenedme . I once, in Drury Lane Theatre,sat behind a matinee hat decoratedwith the two wings of a seagull, artificially reddened at the joints so as toproduce the illusion of beingfreshly plucked from a live bird. Buteven that lady stopped short of awhole seagull.” From lettersofnote.com nSI X-WOR D M EMOI R SSecret to life: marry an Italian. No ra Ephro nBrought it to a boil, often. Ma r io Ba ta liI asked. They answered. I wrote. Well, I thought it was funny. Born bald. Grew hair. Bald again. Fearlessness is the mother of invention. Seba s t ia n Ju ng e rSte phe n Col be r tA . J. Ja cobsAr ia nna Huf f ing to nFrom the book Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-word Memories by Writers Famousand Obscure by Rachel Fershleiser and Larry Smith (HarperCollins)130readersdigest.com.au 07/13

128 readersdigest.com.au 07/13 “The ombudsman and his law say that you guys, or people like you, are only allowed to back-charge me for nine months because of ‘some-thing they did or did not do’. You did not send me a bill.