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ContentsAcknowledgmentsxiiiForeword by Thom RutledgeIntroductionxviixxi1Filing for Divorce——Separating from EdDeclaration of IndependenceMaking the Split37Disagree and DisobeyEd’s Rules1912Ms. PerfectionistEnlist Support1417Not Just Anyone20Ed’s Other Brides23True Value System25Whatever It Takes27Thom’s Turn292It’s Not About Food?!Dinner35Be Real37——How Food Is Involved33—— vii
Just for You39Food Plan41Cheeseburger, Please43The Weekend with the CakeHolidays4648OvercompensatingAdd Fat?5052Overboard54Food Accounting 101Thom’s Turn56573Mirror, Mirror on the WallEverything? 61——Is Thin ReallyYou Don’t Look Like You Have an Eating DisorderThe ScaleFat6567My Private PlatoonSkinny JenniImpurities7173Miss Anorexic74You Must Be ThinLindsey78Illusion80Thin81Vampire6983Thom’s Turnviii —— C o n t e n t s847663
4Merry-Go-RoundRecovery 87Ed’s Defense AttorneyI’m MistakenSuper Ed899193Faithful to EdTattletaleThe Nuts and Bolts of——9597Guilty Poster99Guilty-Weird-Amazing101Leaving It All up to Ed103Compare and Despair105Top Ten106Too Recovered108When Will He Stop?Thom’s Turn1101115Ed’s Last StandMy Invisible ChildRelapse——Surviving Relapse115117120The Next Right ThingPick up the Phone122124Richard Simmons, Eat Your Heart OutMaybe It’s Not Too LateThe Plastic Bat126128130C o n t e n t s —— ix
Don’t Figure It OutResearch134One Day136Thom’s Turn1321386The Hard Truth —— Getting Serious AboutGetting Better 141Recovery First143Going to Any LengthsGrieving the GoodThe Not-So-Fun PartHow Can You?150Won’t vs. Can’t152Realistic148154The Minority RuleDuct TapeBones145146156159161Trapped164Thom’s Turn1677Believe It——I’m Not PerfectWhat It’s All About173What Kept Me Going?No175x —— C o n t e n t s174171
Double Take at the Fridge176Dividing the Marital PropertyThe Chosen OneDon’t Give UpSerenity183Dreams184——Life After EdFor Males179181Life Without EdAfterword178185Ten Years Later189200For Family, Friends, and SupportersFor Treatment ProfessionalsDivorce Decree from Ed”Life Without Ed”Resources187203208216217219C o n t e n t s —— xi
Life After EdEd wasn’t too happy that I wrote this book exposing thetruth about his lies and manipulative tactics. In fact, it seemedas though my ex was so mad that he came back for retaliation afterI turned the manuscript in to my publisher. Although this finalfling with Ed was short-lived, it was also one of the most powerful—catapulting me into a newfound freedom that I never believedpossible. At the time, unaware that this transformation was takingplace, I was just very frustrated.Saying that I felt like the biggest loser in the world is a majorunderstatement. In the months while my publisher was workinghard to turn my manuscript about recovery into an actual bookthat would be available in stores, I was dancing with Ed. I found itdepressing and quite annoying when friends and family, who hadread an early copy of the manuscript, suggested that I reread myown book. They said, “Jenni, you wrote a lot about falling downin Life Without Ed. You know what to do.”I did know what to do, but I wasn’t doing it. There were allkinds of reasons why. It’s hard. It hurts. I’m scared and tired (no,exhausted). And let’s not forget one of the most powerful: Maybe Ican figure out a way to keep just a tiny itsy bitsy piece of Ed and stillbe happy. Wrong. Believing this was setting me up for a mediocresort of recovery. One big problem with mediocre is that it doesn’thave staying power but eventually leads back to the eating disorder each and every time. Not to mention, who wants to settle formediocre when a complete recovery is possible? Yes, it is! I didn’tknow that when I originally wrote this book, but I am living it now.For long-lasting independence from my eating disorder, Edcould no longer be an option for how I dealt with life. Of course,A f t e r w o r d —— 189
the truth is that during those early years of recovery, Ed was, infact, an option—a big one. Imagine a metaphorical restaurantmenu that lists, rather than food, ways to cope with life. The “SelfCompassion Special,” “Meditation Medley,” and “Signature Support” entrees are all delicious selections for self-soothing, but the“Ed Deluxe” (one of those dishes that never quite comes out theway you order it) is also a choice. To get fully better, I came toterms with the fact that Ed is a forbidden menu item that I refuseto order. Sure, I could order it, but I won’t. This is an appropriateuse of restricting. I began to apply the same determination torecovery that, in the past, I had applied to limiting my food intake,trying to stay a certain size, and other eating disordered behaviors.It is amazing what can happen when you use your determinationand intelligence for positive endeavors. (Just now, Ed might havechimed in, “Well, you’re not intelligent,” but some research actually suggests that individuals with eating disorders are more intelligent than the average person.) Rather than restricting food, youcan learn to wisely apply your talents to restricting the eating disorder out of existence.Commit to giving recovery your all. That’s what I had to do—no holding back. Based on this book so far, you may be thinkingthat I had already given recovery everything I had. That is absolutely true for that point in my life. But, as I became stronger overtime, my ability to make strides in recovery became even greater.You might look at it this way: at the end of kindergarten, you surelywere not in a place to begin second grade. But, at the end of firstgrade, you were probably more than ready. After I finished writingLife Without Ed, I had essentially graduated from first grade. It wastime for me to move on to second. I was ready then, but not before.Even still, I have to admit that I couldn’t help but feel as thoughI had somehow slid backward as I reread my manuscript thosemany years ago (yes, I took the suggestion of my friends and family). The last part of this book talks about how amazing life is without Ed, and there I was with Ed. How could I not have lost ground?190 —— L i f e Wi t h o u t E d
Without EdAvailable in print, eBook,and audio!
the truth is that during those early years of recovery, Ed was, in fact, an option—a big one. Imagine a metaphorical restaurant menu that lists, rather than food, ways to cope with life. The "Self-Compassion Special," "Meditation Medley," and "Signature Sup-port" entrees are all delicious selections for self-soothing, but the
