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A LITTLE BOOK WITH BIG POWER . . .“Lori Deschene makes the topic of loving yourself come alive in a waythat is both highly entertaining and very practical.”—J onathan R obinson , founder of FindingHappiness.comand the author of Coming ApartT I N YB U D D H A’ST I N Y. . .Guide to Loving YourselfT O C H A N G E T H E T H O U G H T S T H AT TA U N T U S A N DB U D D H A’SMany of us know in our heads that we need to be good to ourselves if wewant to be happy. Our hearts may be a different matter. We are our ownharsh judge and the lost, scared child who wants to stop feeling judged.We set up a vicious cycle that only stops when we step outside ourselvesand observe how we get ourselves stuck.Guide to Loving YourselfTiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself from TinyBuddha.com creator LoriDeschene, shares 40 unique perspectives on loving yourself, including:realizing you’re not broken, accepting your flaws, releasing the need forapproval, forgiving yourself, letting go of comparisons, and learning to beauthentic. Featuring stories selected from TinyBuddha.com contributor.I N S P I R E U S T O T A K E G O O D C A R E O F O U R S E LV E S .“We can all feel broken, wounded, and alone at times, but never while readingthis beautiful, wise guide to taking good care of ourselves. All of us can findinspiration and powerful lessons in Tiny Buddha’s openhearted, generouscommunity of teachers. I’m so grateful to have found them.”—P riscilla W arner , author of Learning to Breathe: MyYearlong Quest to Bring Calm to My Lifewww.redwheelweiser.comISBN: 978-1-57324-627-9U.S. 16.955 1 6 9 59781573246279LORIDESCHENEtoS40 WAYandTransform Your Inner CriticLORIYour LifeDESCHENEFounder of Tiny Buddha

PRAISE FOR TINY BUDDHA’S GUIDE TOLOVING YOURSELF“ Loving yourself is the foundation for finding inner peace,happiness, and the ability to love others. In this wonderful book,Lori Deschene does something remarkable. She makes the topic ofloving yourself come alive in a way that is both highly entertainingand very practical. This is one book that shouldn’t be missed.”— Jonathan Robinson, founder ofFindingHappiness.com and the author ofCommunication Miracles for Couples“ You have to love yourself to love other people and your life. Inthis powerful collection of stories and insights, Lori Deschene andother Tiny Buddha contributors share how they overcome shame,insecurity, and perfectionism to help you do just that. I highlyrecommend Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself to anyone whoneeds a little help recognizing their worth and potential.”— K aren Salmansohn, bestselling author ofPrince Harming Syndrome

“ This wonderful collection of personal stories and words of wisdomwill help you become kinder and more compassionate to yourself, andultimately show you how to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.”— K ristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion, StopBeating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind“ We can all feel broken, wounded, and alone at times, but neverwhile reading this beautiful, wise guide to taking good care ofourselves. Some of us need permission to do that. All of us canfind inspiration and powerful lessons in Tiny Buddha’s openhearted,generous community of teachers. I’m so grateful to have foundthem.”— P riscilla Warner, author of Learning toBreathe: My Yearlong Quest to Bring Calm toMy Life“ Reading Lori Deschene’s wonderful new book, Tiny Buddha’s Guideto Loving Yourself, is like listening to a good friend who remindsyou of who you are when you need to hear it the most. Descheneand her contributors write about real-life situations with real-lifesolutions and they do it with the same unflinching honesty thathas made TinyBuddha.com so popular. If you are ever hard onyourself—and who isn’t—you need to read this book.”— A manda Owen, author of The Power ofReceiving

PRAISE FOR TINY BUDDHA, SIMPLEWISDOM FOR LIFE’S HARD QUESTIONS“ How can we find happiness and peace—right now, right here? Inher engaging, thought-provoking book Tiny Buddha, Lori Descheneexplores this enormous question to help readers grapple withchallenges like money, love, pain, control, and meaning, in order tofind greater happiness.”— Gretchen Rubin, author of The HappinessProject“ Lori is one of a kind. Her amazing heart and wisdom shine throughin everything she writes! I am a HUGE fan of Tiny Buddha, and I’mconstantly inspired by Lori and her work.”— M astin Kipp, founder of The Daily Love(thedailylove.com)“ There’s nothing tiny about the extra-large dose of awesome stuffedinto Lori’s writing. Read it and feel good about the world.”— Neil Pasricha, founder and author of 1000Awesome Things and The Book of Awesome

“ Few people in our time have more passionately or more creativelyapplied wisdom teachings to a new digital generation than LoriDeschene. I am continually inspired by her writing, and also byher sincere dedication to learning, growth, and wisdom. I feeltremendously fortunate to have had the chance to get to knowher work through Tiny Buddha, and to know her as a person. Bothembody the same essential truths.”— Soren Gordhamer, founder and author ofWisdom 2.0“ Lori Deschene doesn’t claim to be anybody’s guru. But it’s that lackof pretense and her total candor—how she tells her own often-wildstory without flinching—that is so magnetic, inviting a sense ofease with our own wrinkles, too, and fostering a sense of personalpossibility. As she asks: Are you ready to be free?”— M argaret Roach, author of And I Shall HaveSome Peace There“ Tiny Buddha is a moving and insightful synthesis of evocative storiesand ancient wisdom applied to modern life. A great read!”—Jonathan Fields, author of Uncertainty

“ I spent months retweeting posts from a mystery handle called@tinybuddha. I wasn’t the only one: Hundreds of thousands ofpeople followed the daily messages. I was intrigued and madeit a point to meet the woman behind the message. Today, LoriDeschene is a friend and fellow author who spreads truth andinspiration throughout the twittersphere, her blog, and now hernew book! Lori has shifted the energy of the Internet with herloving daily posts and now she is sharing more with the worldthroughout her incredible book!”— Gabrielle Bernstein, author ofAdd More –ing to your Life and Spirit Junkie

TINYB U D D H A’ SGuide to Loving Yourself40 WAYSto Transform Your Inner Critic and Your LifeLORI DESCHENE

First published in 2013 by Conari Press, an imprint ofRed Wheel/Weiser, llcWith offices at:665 Third Street, Suite 400San Francisco, CA 94107www.redwheelweiser.comCopyright 2013 by Lori DescheneAll rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in anyform or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, orby any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from RedWheel/Weiser, llc. Reviewers may quote brief passages.Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:Deschene, Lori.Tiny Buddha's guide to loving yourself : 40 ways to transform your inner critic and your life/ Lori Deschene.pages cmISBN 978-1-57324-627-91. Self-acceptance. 2. Criticism, Personal. I. Title.BF575.S37D47 2013158.1--dc232013016513Cover design by Nita YbarraCover photograph of Buddha, suvijakra/shutterstock; photograph of calligraphy, rodho/shutterstockInterior by Maureen Forys, Happenstance Type-O-RamaTypeset in Perpetua and Futura with Cowboy WesternPrinted in the United States of AmericaC10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of the AmericanNational Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed LibraryMaterials Z39.48-1992 (R1997).

In loving memory of Jeanne “Grambo” Santoro.You weren’t just loveable; you were love, in its purest, rarest form.

CONTENTSAcknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . xiiiAbout Tiny Buddha and This Book . . . . . . . xvxixAbout My Journey to This Book . . . . . . .1. When You’re Stuck in Your Childhood:Moving Beyond What You Learned . . . . . 1Top 4 Tips About Moving Beyond Your Childhood Pain . . . 222. When You’re Obsessed with Fixing Yourself:Realizing You’re Not Broken . . . . . .25Top 4 Tips to Stop Feeling Broken . . . . . . . 443. When You Focus on Your Flaws:Accepting All of You . . .Top 4 Tips About Self-Acceptance . .4. When You’re Hard on Yourself:Embracing Self-Forgiveness . .Top 4 Tips About Forgiving Yourself . .4767. 69. 875. When You Focus on Getting Approval:Releasing the Need for Validation . . . . . 89Top 4 Tips About Releasing the Need for Approval . . . . 107

6. When You Think Other People Are Better:Letting Go of Comparisons . . . .Top 4 Tips About Releasing Comparisons . . . 1091277. When You’re Trying to Fill a Void:Learning to Complete Yourself . . . . . . 129Top 4 Tips About Completing Yourself . . . . . . 1508. When You’re Scared to Be Real:Allowing Yourself to Be Authentic . . . . . 153Top 4 Tips About Being Authentic . . . . . . . 1769. When You Don’t Prioritize Self-Care:Taking Care of Yourself . . . .Top 4 Tips About Taking Care of Yourself . .17920110. When You Don’t Feel You Make a Difference:Believing in Your Worth and Discovering Your Path 203Top 4 Tips About Believing in Your Worth andDiscovering Your Path . . . . . . . . . 223Conclusion . .The Tips . .The Quotes . .The Stories . .The Contributors .xii Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself.227. . 231.235.243. 247

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSFor every book, there are innumerable people to thank,but in this one there are forty times as many. First and foremost,thank you to all of the contributors who shared their stories andinsights. I’m inspired by your honesty and vulnerability, and gratefulto have learned from you. Thank you also to all of the family members, friends, and teachers who have touched your lives and helpedshape you into the beautiful people you are.To my family, including but not limited to Kevin, Marianne,Tara, Ryan, Pauline, Cassie, Pat, Jim, and Justin, who will live onin all of our hearts (and my many aunts, uncles, and cousins, bothDeschene- and Santoro-descended), thank you for being kind, supportive, generous, funny, and always entertaining. I’m grateful thatfrom the east to the west, I’m surrounded by laughter and love. ToJan, Pat, Susie, Vanessa, and the rest of the team at Conari, thankyou for all your efforts in making another Tiny Buddha book cometo life. To Joshua Denney of Think Web Strategy, thank you for notonly being a gifted designer, but also for being available for aroundthe-clock Skype chats, whether related to Tiny Buddha or not.

And last but certainly not least, thank you to Ehren for lettingme read and re-read the same thing twenty times even after I onlychanged a few words; for always being willing to give me advice,knowing I sometimes may seek but not follow it; and for being such ahuge part of Tiny Buddha’s heart—and an even bigger part of mine.xiv Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself