Transcription
Children’sguide toseparationWhat happens to us whenour parents break up?1
This book will help you answer some questionsyou might have when your parents split up. Ittalks about:Does this happen to lots of other kids?Page4You could feel lots of different things even at the same time! 5What can I do to feel better?6What if I keep feeling really bad?7Will I still see everyone?8Will things get back to normal?8Who will I live with now?9What if my parents look too busy to talk?10What kind of plans work?11Getting on with your parents12New partners 13Where can I go for more help?214
When your parents break up, itcan be confusing. You’re probablywondering what’s going to happenThis booklet will help answeryour questions. It also tells yousome helpful things likeIt’s really common for parentsto break up. Most kids find that thingsget much easier as timegoes on. Most kids do keep seeingthe people they love. Most kids keep doing thethings they love doing. Your parents will alwaysbe your parents. They’llalways love you.If we don’t answer yourquestions, don’t worry.Just look at the back ofthis booklet. There’s alist of people you cancall for more help.3
Does this happen to lots of other kids? Breaking up happens a lot,even to families that have beentogether for a long time. Heapsof families in New Zealand splitup each year. That means lotsof kids belong to a family orwhānau where the parents livein different homes.Is it my fault?‘After my parentsbroke up, I was reallyuncomfortable withmum and dad evencoming to a school eventat the same time butnow I’m more confidentwith them.’No! You are not to blame. Yourparents broke up becausethings went wrong for them.They still really love you.Will it get easier?For some kids, life gets easierafter their parents split up.Other children say it takes awhile. One thing’s for sure,nearly everyone says things getbetter as time goes on.Why do I feel like this?It’s OK if you have really strongfeelings about your parentsbreaking up. Most kids do.4
You could feel lots of differentthings – even at the same time!‘ I was worried abouthow it would work.But you get used to it.Now things are OK.’‘ At first, I wanted mumand dad to get backtogether again. Butnow I can see they’remuch happier and I’mOK too.’Sometimes you might feel fineand then really quickly feel bad.This can happen anywhere, likewhen you’re at school, playingwith friends or in bed at night.Whatever you feel is OK. Lots ofkids have gone through it. Mostof them felt a lot like you doand they say it gets a lot easier.You might feel angryYou might feel scared guilty or relieved worried.You might even feel happy5
What can I do to feel better?‘Talk about yourworries, even ifit’s about yourparents fighting.No one will knowhow you feel orwhat you needunless you talkabout it.’It really helps to talk about yourfeelings. Talk to your parents orgrandparents. You can also talkto your brother or sister, or anadult you trust. You can talk toa teacher or school counsellor.If you know someone whoseparents have broken up, youcan talk to them too.It really helps to talkabout your feelings.6
What if I keep feeling really bad?Most kids want to keep seeingboth their parents. Andgrandparents, cousins, auntsand uncles. So let your parentsknow if you feel this way.Or you can call the people andvisit the websites listed at theback of this booklet. They helpkids all the time.The people who answercan really help. Give thema call – especially if it’shard to talk with someoneface to face. They knowtons of stuff about how tomake tough times easier.They’re there to help andthey know what you’regoing through.‘ I’d been keepingit inside for weeks, thenI was with my aunty inthe holidays and I toldher all about it andcried. Afterwards, Icould talk to my parentsand I started to feelbetter.’7
Will I still see everyone?You’ll probably want to keepseeing both your parents. Andyour grandparents and cousins,aunts and uncles too. Let yourparents know. Tell them howyou feel about seeing all thefamily. Keep seeing your friendstoo – let them know what’sgoing on.Will things get back to normal?It might take a while becausethere’s a lot to get used to. Youmight have two homes. Youmight now spend some timewith your mum and some timewith your dad.If you don’t feel safe with oneof your parents, you can beprotected from them. It’s yourright to be safe all the time,no matter who’s looking afteryou.There might not be muchchance of your parents gettingback together again. But there’llprobably be less fighting. Astime goes on, your parents willprobably get along OK.If you’re worried about yoursafety, tell an adult you trust. Youcan also call the phone numberslisted at the back of this booklet.If it’s an emergencyand you feel reallyfrightened or someoneis being hurt, dial 111 andask to talk to the Police.It’s still the job ofboth your parentsto make sure you’relooked after.8
Who will I live with now?Usually your parents will havea home each and you’ll spendtime at both homes.If you normally stay with otherpeople some of the time – likefamily and whānau or friends– you should be able to keepdoing this if you want to.Can I say who I want to livewith?If you’re younger than 16, yourparents will decide who you willlive with. You’ve always got aright to say what you want tohappen.But you can still let themknow how you feel and what’simportant to you.Your parents will probably askyou what you want.Why should I talk to myparents about where I shouldlive?If they don’t ask, then let themknow what you think.Do I have to say who I want tolive with?It’s their job to look after youand they’ll do what theythink’s best for you. Butthey might not know whatyou think. The best way tomake sure they do is to talkto them.No! You can say nothing ifyou want to. You never haveto choose. You can leave it upto your parents to make thedecisions for you.9
What if my parents look too busy to talk?‘ My mum’s goneaway but we oftenhave phone callsand we text eachother most days.’Parents get really busy sortingthings out when they break up,but your feelings are importantto them.If it’s hard to get them to listen,try some different ways.Try when it’s just the two of you– like in the car.Ring or text them, or leavethem a note on their pillow. Itmight be easier than talkingface to face.What if it’s hard to findthe right words?It might feel scary – butjust talk! Let them knowhow you feel and whatyou think about what’shappening.10
What kind of plans work?How do we sort out where I’lllive and other stuff?You can decide on all sorts ofdifferent plans that work foryou and your family. Here aresome examples:Your parents will usually workout what they think is best foryou. They’ll do this after askingyou what you want. If theydon’t ask, let them know if youwant to have a say.‘ I still have someschool holidays withmy grandparents andmy cousins and therest of the whānau.’How can I help make the newplans work?Ask your parents to tell youthe plans and mark them on acalendar. Also mark the plansfor holidays and birthdays, andthe days and times you’ll be witheach parent.‘ I spend about a weekwith each parent. Ikeep half my thingsat each house. It wastricky at first but nowit works.’It helps to be organised. Ask fora special place just for you tokeep your things at the differenthouses you stay in.What if one of my parentsmoves away?There are ways to keep intouch – ask about visits inschool holidays and on longweekends. You can keep intouch by texting or writingletters.‘ I like having twohomes.’11
Getting on with your parentsWhat if I don’t like the waymy parents behave when I’maround?It’s natural not to like it whenyour parents argue in front ofyou. You don’t have to stickaround to listen. Leave theroom if you want.Tell your parents if you don’tlike it when they’re mean abouteach other in front of you.Tell them if you don’t like itwhen they ask you to givemessages to the other parent.Tell them if you don’t like it whenthey ask you about the otherparent.If they break a plan with you,tell them you don’t like itbecause you feel let down.What if I feel pressured to takesides?You don’t need to choosebetween your parents andwho’s right. It’s OK to love themboth.12
New partners‘I was jealous whenmy new step-brothersand sisters came onthe scene but I justgave them a chance.I figured they werefeeling just as weirdas me. It took a while,but we get along finenow.’What if my parent has a newpartner?It’s best just to be polite, even ifyou don’t feel like it. Give thema chance. It’s not fair to blamethem. Tell your parent if youwant to spend more time alonewith just them.It’s best to be nice.Remember, it’s the samefor them. They couldfeel the same way youdo. Talk to your parentabout any problems.What if my parent’s newpartner has kids?It will take time to get usedto other kids being around.You might find some thingsdifferent. It might be harder foryou to find a quiet place.13
Where can I go for more help?Kidsline: 0800 KIDSLINE(0800 543 754)Monday to Friday 4pm-9pmto talk to a Kidsline Buddy, aspecially-trained year 12 and13 student. Other times, likeweekends, you can call andtalk to a helpful adult.What’s Up.0800 WHATS UP(0800 942 8787)Monday to Friday 12pm11pm; Saturday and Sunday3pm-11pm. Online chat 5pm10pm every night. Go hat/www.whatsup.co.nz/kidOranga Tamariki.Phone 0508 FAMILY(0508 326 459)any time (24/7).email e phone support line for kidsup to 14 years old. Counsellors arespecially trained older teenagers(supervised by adults) so you cantalk to someone similar to a bigbrother or sister.Free phone counselling servicefor everyone up to 18 years old.Counsellors are specially trainedto talk with kids and teenagers.They aren’t allowed to tell anyonewhat you say.A government agency focused onchildren. It can protect and helpyou if you don’t feel safe or aren’tbeing cared for properly.14
Skylight.Phone 0800 299 100Mon-Fri 9am-5pm.email ildren’s Commissioner.Phone 0800 A CHILD(0800 224 453)Mon-Wed 9am-5pm, Thurs9am-4pm. email advice@occ.org.nz www.occ.org.nzChinese Lifeline.Phone 0800 888 880Mon-Sun 10am-2pm,Mon-Fri 7pm-10pm.www.chineselifeline.org.nzMinistry of Justice.Phone 0800 2 AGREE(0800 224 733)Mon-Fri 7am-9pm.www.justice.govt.nz/familyHelps and supports kids dealingwith trauma, loss and grief. Lotsof great resources for kids ontheir website.Advice about your rightsand welfare.Free phone counselling for adultsand children who speak Mandarinor Cantonese.Information for families includingchildren about how the familyjustice system can help them.15
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room if you want. Tell your parents if you don't like it when they're mean about each other in front of you. Tell them if you don't like it when they ask you to give messages to the other parent. Tell them if you don't like it when they ask you about the other parent. If they break a plan with you, tell them you don't like it because .
