WIXLIB

Published by Godfrey A. S. Wieners, at the Sign of the Lark,Copyright, 1895, and 1898, by William Doxey.NewYork.

Digitized by the Internet ArchiveinUniversity of2017 with funding fromIllinoisUrbana-Champaign urg

;;—(ICONTENTSDEDICATION.1.A LEGEND,Rare and Superfine,Cribbed, some will say, fromFRANKENSTEIN,(It is a little in that line).2.3.MYFEET a Memoir, with a PhaseResembling some Equestrian Ways.;TH’ INVISIBLE BRIDGEPlease understand,4.ifyou;a sort of Fable’re able.THE RUNAWAY TRAIN;a weird CreationOf Fancy and Imagination,Meant for the Rising Generation.5.6.On CITY FLORA, semi-culledBy one whose Fame was d.howthe Verdant Bough.PURPLE COW’Sprojected FeastReflections on a Mythic BeastThat8.’squite Remarkable, at least.MY HOUSE, and howANocturnefor aImakeSleepy-Head.MY BED

!CONTENTS9.On DIGITAL EXTREMITIESA10.Poem(and aTHE GOOPBeyond the11.12.thick7.— but whatnothingodds?a Narrativemuchdeclarative.Permission of S. F. Examiner.)GIANT HORSETheStory of the’Tquite improbable, of course.isWHAT SMITHThewill;TRIED TO BELIEVEappeal to anybuddy.TOWEL AND THE DOOR, — ahnot attempt the Tale toStoryTheFOOTLESS FEATs told—is itin vain?of Mrs.BoxNoxAnd now, allow theTo make her Bow.wtell.TOWEL AND THE DOOR againTheThePosteaque, fiat18.Gods;Sanity comparative,I ’ll1Man.THE FLYING HOUSE;That16.constructed on a PlanIntellect ofs thelittle;)A(15.!for theAnd14.it isPARISIAN NECTAROf13.;gemPURPLE COW!

TO THEREADERS OF “THE LARK ”WHO HAVE LAUGHEDTHEY KNEW NOT WHY,THESE INARTISTIC ABERRATIONSARE GRATEFULLY DEDICATED.GELETT BURGESS'""IIIIHIt

— ——-THE PECULIAR HISTORT OF THECHEWING-GUM MAN.WILLIE,an’ Wallie, an’They wentan’ built a bigHuldy Ann,CHEWIN’GUM MAN:Itwas noneo’your teentyWith pinhole eyeslittledots,an’ pencil-spots;—But this was a terribul big onewell,’T was a’ most as high as the Palace Hotel!It took 'em a year to chew the gum / /And Willie he done it all, ’cept someThat Huldy got her ma to chew,By the time the head was ready to do.****Well, Willie he chewed it for days ’n’ days;They brung it to him in gret big drays;An’ fast as he got it good an’ soft,Then Wallie he come and carried it oftThen he ’d roll it into a gret big ball,Ari he made a-more n a MILLION in all/Then Huldy Ann she spanked ’em flatAn’ pinched an’ poked, an’ the like o’ that}TillMyshe got!inter a gret big hunkHuldy have the spunkitdid n’t!And then she sliced one end hall-wayTo make the laigs (’cause they never stayWhen youSeemsAndstick’em onin a seprit pieceends was made o’ grease)an arm right up each side,like thesheslit;I could n’t a done it if I ’d a triedO’ course, her brothers they helped her, though,An’ rolled the arms an’ laigs out, soThey all was smooth with roundin’ bendsAn’ chopped the fingers inter the ends!!An’ when their mother had chewn the head,She went an’ stuck it on, instead!

;!!—!——! !;! :THE CHEWING-GUM MAN,An’ then, when the man was almost done,They had an awful lots o’ fun.A-walkin’ down his stummick was bestTo make the buttons onter his vestThey struck big cartwheels in him for eyes;His eyes was both tremendous sieean’ then beneathHis nose was a barrelThey used a ladder, to make his teethAn’ when he was layin’ acrost the streetAlong come their daddy, as white ’s a sheet,He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess,An’ he did n’t know whatter make o’ the mess,But Huldy she up an’ begun to coaxTo have him down town, to skeer the folksSo her dad he grabbed him offen the street,An’ Willie an’ Wallie they took his feet,An’ they dragged him clean down to the Cogswell fountain,An’ stood him up as big as a mountain—Youhim a-standin’Market street in the’d orter seenA-straddlin’there,airWell, he stood up straight for a week’n*a halfAn’ the folks, Gee did n’t they yell ’n’ laffThe boys clum up his laigs quite boldThe gum was so soft they got good holdThe cars run under him day an’ night,An’ the people come miles to see the sight 1Well, after he ’d stayed as stiff’s a post,With his head on top o’ the roofts almost,The sun come outer the fog one dayAn’well, I guess you can see the wayThat gret big feller begun to melt;Imagine how Willie and Wallie felt!For first he cocked his head out some,An’ when the heat got inter the gumHe slowly waved his arms aheadAn’ slanted forred, just like he was dead!——

—!CONTINUED.An’allTill allday long he leanedan’ bentexpected he would have wentAn’ pitched right over. They roped theTo keep the crowd away from his feet.I tell yer he was a sight; my soulTwicet as high as a telegraft pole,Wavin’ his arms an’ slumpin’ his feetAn’ a-starin’ away down Market street.street—that blame old headThen, what did I tell yerTheir mother had made a-seprit, instead,It fell right off an’ squashed a horse!(’T was soWhenAsoft, itdid n’t kill him,o’course.)hands got so they touched the groundhundred policemen they come around;Theyhisstuck a cable-car to hisfeet,An’ one to his head, a goin’ up street,An’ then they pulled him opposite ways,An’ they pulled him for days ’n’ days ’n’ days,An’ they drored him out so slim an’ smallThat he reached a mile n a half in all.’’\An’ that was the endForo’Willie, an’ Wallie,theCHEWIN’ -GUM MANan Huldy Ann.They come along with an ax next day,An’ chopped him up, and guv him away.

My Feet they haul meTheyhoist/ onlyhave9me upround the House /the Stairs /to steerthem andThey ride me everywheres.

,/Vnever daretowalk acrossA Bridge I could not seeForquite afraidI fearthatof fallingI shouldhe !off

! !!—ADULTS DEPARTMENT:H,Willieand Wallie and Pinkie JaneThey run away with a Railroad Train’T was Wallie got up the ridiculous plan,’Twas most as good as the Chewin’GumMan!WallieHecanHetried toisterribulfunny— Mymake up a face that would make youAn’ when Pinkie Jane come down to the cityshowoff, forshe’sdie,awful pretty.So they all went over across the Bay,To have a picnic, and spend the day.At Sixteenth Street they got off the carsA-grinnin’ an’ giggling so,— MyStars!AEnormus Crowd begun to collect,But nobuddy knew just what to expect.Then up the track come a little spot,An’ nearer and nearer andAndWillieNEARERitgot,and WaHie and Pinkie JaneStood right in the road of the Overland Train!!!folks on the platform begun to yell,u Loek out! getoffIT an’ the engine bellThe—

! ! !;THE RUNAWAY TRAIN:mad, — but them children stoodWasthey was made of woodAs calm— “Oh GollymanAnd abigringin’ likeasifgreatForfatyelledI,Heaven's sakes, just look at Wallie / ”As the train came thunderin’ down theThe wimmin all turned terribul pale.rail,But Wallie he stood there, stiff’s a soldier,An’ then (you remember what I told yer)He made up a horribul face, and whackHe scared the engine right off’n the trackAn’ the train jumped forreds an’ squirmed around,A-wrigglin’ an’ jigglin’ over the groundAnd all the people they had to git,For the blame old engine it had a fitBut when the train got onto the track,Them children they clum right onto its back.And they tickled it so that all to onceIt gave ’em a lot of shivers an’ grunts,And it humped itself way up in the air,And p’raps it didn’t give them a scare—!t

!!ANIMPOSSIBLE EPIC:Thenitpuffed an’ puffed, a-faster an’faster,While Walliesat there likean old school-master,A-drivin’ that traintill,I tellyouwhat!You noidea what a nerve he’sgot!Williehe held onto Wallie, an’JaneHeld ontoWillie with mightandmain.Then they hitchedalong, like an olainch-worm,With now a spazzum, and then asquirm;But Willie and Wallie and PinkieJane,They soongot sick o’ that Railroadtrain!But when they crawled to thelastendcarTo jump onthe ground, whereitwasn’tfar,Theygot a heap worseoff,instead,For that nastytrain,itstood onitsheadAn’ theyallyelled, “ TelegraftHuldyAnn,And makehercomeas quick as shecan.Wecan’t getoff.Oh, hurry up,pleaseWhat would we dosneeze?ifthe thing should

!!SES JJELTO THE CHEWING-GUMMANI tell yer them children was in a fixWhile that mad engine was doin’ his tricks.But the messenger-boy found Huldy Ann,An’ she said, “I’m glad that I ain’t a man!I ’ll show ’em how ” an’ she crossed the Bay,An’ she see in a wink where the trouble lay.An’ she said, “You go, an’ you telegraft backFor a load o’ candy to block the track ”An’ when they sent it, she piled it highWith chocolate caramels, good ones, My!Peppermint drops and cocoanut cream,Till it looked too good for a Christmas dreamAnd the sun it melted and finished the jobInto one great elegant sticky gobSo the train run into it lickety-split,An’ the cow-catcher stuck, when the engine hit,An’ the tail o’ the train flew up and threwThem children into that caramel gooThey fell clear in, way over their head,But Ann eat ’em out, an’ sent ’em to bed!!!—!——

Thereisa Theory some deny,That Lamp Posts once were three foot high,And a Little Boy was terrible strong,And he stretched 'em out to leven foot long!’

!I picked some Leaves from off a Tree,And then I nearly Fainted:For somehow it Astonished meTo find theyAll been PaintedV

ButIcantellyou,anyhow,

V,’dIneverratherHOPESEEto see one;thanBEone!

;MyHouseExcept theOfmade of Graham Bread,ceiling V made of White;isAngel Cake I make my BedI eat myPillow every night /

,;,/V ratherhave Fingers than ToesIV ratherhave Ears than a Nose /And as for my HairI 'm glad itNil’jall therehe awfully sadwhenitgoes!

!Nowyou arewhataIcallGOOPYouappear tobe facingdue SouthButOwhathave youdone withyour Mouth?

!ManyPlasterPeople seemo'toParis goodtoThinkDrink:Though conducive unto QuietI prefer another Diet

—Written MidO WILLIEIllustrated byan’ Wallie,youGELETT'BUROESSbetter believe,They had a circus on Christmas EveWith Huldy Ann an’ Pinkie JaneThe folks imagined they ’d went insane—!Themtwins had an awfully narrow shave—They nearly was killt, for they wouldn’t behaveHuldy ’s a winner! She hatched the schemeOn the day before Christmas an’ that there team!;

THE FLTING HOUSE.Wallie — they workedThat Williean’likemadYou’ve no idea what a time they had!T was the day before Christmas, at half-pastWhen Huldy she up an’ she says, says she“You Willie an’ Wallie, you go in the yard’—three,:——it won’ t be hardAn’ bring it an’ put it on top of the house,An’ don’t make no more noise than a mouse!4For I know something I won’t tell,”Nine little niggers in a peanut shellWell, the twins they knew when she said that,Huldy wa’ n’ t talkin’ much through her hat.So they worked an’ they tugged for more n an hour,’Till they got that windmill off’n the tower;An’ they hauled it up to the roof with ropes,An’ get that windmill’!’Wayon the ridgepole, ’tween theslopes.

THE FLTING HOUSEThey was almost dead, it tired ’em so,An’ Will druv a splinter into his toeAn’ all this time both Pinkie JaneAn’ Huldy was workin’ with might an’ main,!windows too,An’ stoppin’ up cracks where the leaks come through.An’ when it was tight, she slipped insideAn’ turned the gas on good an’ wideAn’ she screamed, “ Look out that you do n’t get smothered:Climb up on the roof where I won’t be botheredA-shuttin’ the doors, an’ the!’ ’!