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Jim Benton’s Tales from Mackerel Middle SchoolDear Dumb Diary,DeluxeDumbness Is a DishBest Served ColdBY JAMIE KELLYSCHOLASTIC INC.
Copyright 2016 by Jim BentonAll rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Inc., Publishers since 1920. scholastic andassociated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.dear dumb diary is a registered trademark of Jim Benton.The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibilityfor author or third-party websites or their content.No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmittedin any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,without written permission of the publisher. For information regarding permission, write toScholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 557 Broadway, New York, NY 10012.This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product ofthe author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, livingor dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data availableISBN 978-0-545-93228-810 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 116 17 18 19 20Printed in the U.S.A. 88First printing, July 2016Page design by Yaffa Jaskoll
Dumbness Is a DishBest Served Cold
Dear Whoever Is Reading My Dumb Diary,We all know that we’re not supposed to readother people’s diaries. We’re all mature enoughto understand that certain things are justprivate, and we should just keep our nosynoses out of other people’s business.But honestly, I sort of can’t blame you forbeing a horrible, nosy person. I mean, if I knewsomebody who had been involved with a BigWeird Thing like The Big Weird Thingthat I’ve been involved with, I would probablybehave like the type of horrible turd who readsother people’s diaries.Yeah, right.Who are we kidding?Of course I wouldn’t.I know that reading another person’s diarycan reduce the amount of money you earn oneday, add unwanted calories to your diet, and canresult in tooth decay, intense blondness, and awhole bunch of other things nobody likes.
Trust me, I’m doing you a favor here.Put down the diary and walkaway slowly.Signed,P.S. Oh yeah, everything in here is true. I swear.At least, as true as it needs to be.
Sunday 01Dear Dumb Diary,So the carton says this stuff we buy is 2% milk.Am I the only one who wonders what the other 98% is?It could be anything, right? Mouthwash, uddersweat . . .It just seems to me that what we really wouldlike to know is what MOST of the stuff in there is — notjust the 2% that’s milk.At our house, for my cereal I can use 2% milk, orcoffee creamer, or skim milk, which my mom buysbecause she says it’s helping her lose weight.But she really hates drinking it, so my dad usesit in his coffee so she won’t have to. He hates it, too,but he drinks it for her out of love.Sometimes I feed it to the dogs out of my lovefor them both.
2At breakfast, I usually have one of these cerealsto choose from:We might have WheatyOs, which are like littledehydrated clown lips. Or we could have theFibergrunt Flakes, which, based upon what I’veheard about fiber, are eaten mostly because you alsowant to poo them. Or we might even have the FrostedCrispy Wonderfuls, which are purchased just forme — but my parents secretly eat them, so those aregone about four hours after they’re purchased.There’s also always oatmeal, but I never eat thatunless it’s really cold out and I want to eat livestockfeed. Or if the criminals that are holding me hostageare forcing me to eat it. (It’s probably the main wayyou’ll know that I’m being held hostage, and you shouldcall the police.)
3And that’s it. Those are my choices.Well, on a GOOD day those are my choices. On agood day, Life lets me choose between the FibergruntFlakes and oatmeal. With skim milk.I’ve always wished there was a way to demandthat Life takes you out for pancakes.
Jim Benton’s Tales from Mackerel Middle School Deluxe Dear Dumb Diary, Dumbness Is a
