WIXLIB

Be open to differences. If your child says “Our new neighbors dressfunny,” explain that people often wear clothes that reflect theircultures or native countries.—Daddy, why is Grandma crying?—She’s very sad. One of her friends just died. Come sit with me.Do you remember how you felt when your gerbil, Whiskers,died?—I felt sad and lonely.—Well imagine how much worse Grandma must feel losing afriend. Maybe you can think of a way to help her.—I could give her a hug. . .—That’s a great idea!Honesty and FairnessSimply put, honesty means being truthful with ourselves and with others.It means caring enough about others not to mislead them for personalbenefit. It means facing up to our mistakes, even when we have to admitthem to others or when they may get us into trouble.Fairness means acting in a just way and making decisions, especiallyimportant ones, on the basis of evidence rather than prejudice. It means“playing by the rules” and standing up for the right of everyone to betreated equally and honestly.3Helping Your Child Become a Responsible CitizenTo understand the importance of being honest and fair, children need tolearn that living together in a family, community or even a nationdepends on mutual trust. Without honesty and fairness, trusting eachother becomes very difficult, and families—and societies—fall apart.Words of caution: There is abig difference between beingdishonest—lying or cheating—and “making things up,” aschildren often do in fantasyplay. If children are taughtthat not telling the truth is “abad thing,” some youngchildren might assume that itis also a bad thing to pretendto be a princess or an astronaut. Although you should discourage yourchild from deliberately lying and cheating, you should also let him knowthat it is fine to role play and pretend.What You Can Do Be a model of honest relations with others. Discuss with your child what honesty is and is not. Point out, forexample, that being honest doesn’t mean telling someone you thinkhe looks ugly. Kindness goes along with honesty.—Dad, Why can’t I choose what video to watch? It isnot fair that Ramon gets to pick!—Yes, it is fair, because you got to pick the video wewatched last night. Now it is Ramon’s turn.Helping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen4

Discuss fairness (chances are that your child will bring it up) indifferent situations. For example, how do we show fairness in ourfamily? What does fairness mean to the community? What werestandards of fairness in the past? Talk about how you try to be fair in your life and work. What issuesof justice have you wrestled with? Your adolescent will be particularly interested in talking with you about these things.—Mom, why did you tell the cashier that she’dgiven you too much change? It was hermistake, so why didn’t you just keep it?—Because the money wasn’t mine, and it wouldhave been dishonest for me to keep it.Learning self-discipline helps children regulate their behavior and givesthem the willpower to make good decisions and choices. On the otherhand, the failure to develop self-discipline leaves children wide open todestructive behavior. Without the ability to control or evaluate theirimpulses, they often dive headlong into harmful situations.What You Can Do Talk with your child about setting reachable goals. For example, helphim break big tasks into little tasks that can be accomplished one at atime. Have the child pick a task and set a deadline for completing it.When the deadline has passed, check together to see if the task wascompleted. Help your child build a sense of her competence. To do this, sheneeds experiences of success, no matter how small. This buildsconfidence and effort for the next time. Keep making the tasks just alittle more challenging but doable.Self-disciplineSelf-discipline is the ability to set a realistic goal or make a plan—then stickwith it. It is the ability to resist doing things that can hurt others orourselves. It involves keeping promises and following through oncommitments. It is the foundation of many other qualities of character.Often self-discipline requires persistence and sticking to long-termcommitments—putting off immediate pleasure for later fulfillment.It alsoincludes dealing effectively with emotions, such as anger and envy, anddeveloping patience.5Helping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen—Who just called?—It was Tyler, Dad. He wanted me to gowith him to the video store to check outthe new DVDs.—What did you tell him?—I said I couldn’t, because you and I need towork on my science project for school.Helping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen6

What You Can DoGood JudgmentChildren develop strongcharacter by learning to thinkabout and make soundjudgments about what isright or wrong, good or bad.These are not always easydistinctions for adults tomake, much less children.For example, it can be difficult for a child to recognize the differencebetween acting bravely and acting recklessly. As parents, we can help byshowing, through what we do as well as what we say, that it is importantin such situations to think carefully and honestly about what should bedone, carefully weighing how others will be affected by what we do.Sometimes we get into trouble because we “just didn’t think.” We let ouremotions lead us to actions that we regret later. Making good judgmentsrequires skills in monitoring impulses, using reasoning to sort throughfeelings and facts, and thinking about the consequences of our actions.Your child’s ability to think and make sound judgments will improve asshe matures. With age, however, it also may become easier for her to try tojustify and make excuses for selfish or reckless behavior. However, if youhave helped her develop strong habits of honesty, courage, responsibilityand self-respect, your child will have the ability to see the flaws in herreasoning and be able to come to the right conclusion about what to do.7Helping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen Teach your child to stop and think before acting on impulse. Teach your child to tell fact from feeling. Let him know that justbecause he feels strongly about something—such as hitting someonewho made him angry— doesn’t mean it’sthe right thing to do. Encourage your child to think about theconsequences of her decisions. Tell herlittle stories about situations she mightface and talk about actions she might take,who might be affected by her actions,what might happen because of her actionsand what the best action might be. When your child has a problem with arule, brainstorm together a list of possiblereasons for the rule. This leads to greaterunderstanding. Remind your child to pay attention to the rules or codes that applyin each situation. For example, the rules for behaving in church aredifferent from those for a football game.—I got really mad because John wouldn’t talk to me.—What were you doing at the time?—We were in line for lunch.—Well, what’s the rule about waiting in line?—You aren’t supposed to talk.—Then John was doing the right thing, wasn’t he?Helping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen8

Respect for OthersRespect for others is based on self-respect and is summed up in the GoldenRule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It is thevalue that makes the world a more decent and civilized place.What You Can Do Practice respectful ways of communicating. Show your child how totalk to others with respect. Help your child to resolve conflicts nonviolently. When facing aconflict, encourage your child to do the following: (1) Find out whatthe conflict is. For example, if your child is angry because his littlebrother barges into his room without knocking, help him to explainthe conflict by using an “I” statement, such as “I feel angry whenyou come into my room without knocking.” (2) Next, suggestdifferent ways he might resolve the conflict. He could say to hisbrother, “I know I can’t always hear when I’m listening to music, soyou knock really loud five times—if I don’t answer, then open thedoor.” Or, “If I don’t answer your knock, slide a note under thedoor.” Or, “Let’s use our walkie talkies.” (3) Then have your childagree on one of the choices. (4) Finally, have him make a plan tocheck whether the solution is working. Teach your child to respect the valued traditions of your heritage.Talk about family customs for showing respect, for honoring eldersand for helping the community. Encourage her to do these things.People show respect in many ways. They speak and act civilly—avoidinginsults, cruel remarks and rude or crude language. They are courteousand considerate of others, including family members and friends, and careabout their rights, beliefs and well-being. They treat others fairly and asindividuals, regardless of race, sex, age or ethnic group. They displaytolerance for people who do not share their personal beliefs and likes—solong as those people do not harm others.Research indicates that children learn to respect others when they aretreated with respect themselves. Constant criticism of a child, negativecomments about him and failure to praisehis achievements can lead the child to bedisrespectful to others. Treating childrenwith respect pays large dividends bothto families and to societies as a whole.—Kaylee, is that my new sweater you’re wearing.—Yeah, Mom. What’s wrong? Doesn’t it look OK withthis skirt?—How it looks on you isn’t the point. You didn’t askme if you could borrow that sweater, did you?—No, Mom. I guess I thought you wouldn’t mind.—Well, I do mind that you didn’t ask first. That’s notvery respectful, is it?9Helping Your Child Become a Responsible CitizenHelping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen10

What You Can DoSelf-respectSelf-respect means taking satisfaction in appropriate behavior and hardwon accomplishments. People with self-respect also respect others. Theydo not need to disparage others or build themselves up by bragging orexaggerating their abilities or talents. They do not need lots of money orpower to feel good about themselves.People who respect themselvesview selfishness, loss of selfdiscipline, recklessness,cowardice and dishonesty aswrong and unworthy of them.They have inner strength and areunwilling to let others use ormanipulate them. They knowthat showing patience ortolerance does not meanallowing others to mistreat them.People with self-respect do not crumble when they fail. They acceptmistakes as a part of life. As we help our children set high standards forthemselves, we also need to let them know that failure is noembarrassment when they have done their best. Encourage your child to build a positive identity that focuses on herintegrity and talents. Emphasize that character is built upon the decisions and actions aperson takes each day. Work with your child to help him reach his full potential byencouraging him to develop his talents, set reachable goals andhonor himself as a unique person. Teach your child how to choose good values. Help her reason aboutwhat are worthy goals and what are proper means to reach thosegoals.—Why so down, Charlie?—We lost the game.—Did you play a good game?—Yeah, we played our hardest.—There’s no shame in losing a game when you’veplayed your best and the other team just playedbetter. Hold your head high, son!Teaching children self-respect, however, does not mean complimentingeverything they do. They also need honest criticism from time to time.When we do criticize, we should focus on things they have done, not onthem personally.11Helping Your Child Become a Responsible CitizenHelping Your Child Become a Responsib

Talk about the point of view of others as you watch TV, read books or discuss other people with your child. For example, ask, “What do you think that character is feeling and thinking?” Show care toward others, such as doing errands for sick neighbors or opening doors for others.