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Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PM /APR 24, 2016 @ 01:07 PMLeadershipThe Little Black Book of Billionaire Secrets3,745 VIEWSNegotiating TheNonnegotiable: How ToUnderstand ConflictAnd Resolve YoursSuccessfullyKathyCaprino,CONTRIBUTORI cover careers,leadership andwomen /2016/04/24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 1 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PM Opinions expressedby ForbesContributors aretheir own.FULL BIO Part of the seriesToday’s TrueLeadershipConflict is everywhere.We cannot live our lives,communicate powerfully,share our diverseopinions, support ourdivergent agendas, orhonor our own deepestvalues without somedegree or form of conflictemerging. The questionis: How can we addressour conflict with others inways that are mutuallybeneficial, supportive andpositive, rather thandamaging and bridgeburning, leaving bodyparts in our /04/24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 2 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PMPhoto Courtesy: iStockTo answer that question,I caught up recently withDaniel Shapiro, Ph.D.,author of the new bookNegotiating theNonnegotiable: How toResolve Your MostEmotionally ChargedConflicts. A worldrenowned expert onnegotiation and conflictresolution, Dan is deeplyexperienced in workingin the realm ofnegotiation, with clientsranging from hostagenegotiators to worldleaders. He founded anddirects the HarvardInternational NegotiationProgram, which haspioneered innovativestrategies and teachingmethodologies to addressthe human dimensions ofconflict resolution. Hisbook explores theunconscious forces thatcause human conflict —from war-torn nations todivisive party politics toworkplace disagreement— and how can we betterresolve /04/24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 3 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PM hGallery11images Here’s what Danielshared: Kathy Caprino: Daniel,why are some conflictsseemingly unresolvable?SHARERecommended /24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 4 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes TWEETForbes SHAREHow to Tell If Your SHARE ON G 5/1/16, 8:35 PM5 Critical Steps ToFearlessConfrontation Boss Is aNarcissist-- And 5Ways to AvoidGetting Fired.CargillVoice:VietnamTransformed: GlobalPartnershipsContribute ToGrowing Prosperity 4/negotiating-the-nonnegotiable-how-to-uDaniel Shapiro: Themoment you feelthreatened in a conflict, awhole set of emotionalforces turn your conflictinto an adversarial battle:It becomes you vs. them.Suddenly the problemfeels nonnegotiable,because you can’timagine working thingsout with the other side.Consider thisexample. Have you evergotten into a fight with afamily member over astraightforward issue –such as a financialdecision—and all of asudden it mushroomsinto a big fight? Theconflict should rationallytake two minutes toresolve but takes 4/24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 5 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PMhours. This experience iswhat I call vertigo –when you get soemotionally consumed ina conflict that you can’tsee beyond it. There are abunch of these forces thatI talk about in my book,and the more aware youare of these forces, themore you can retakecontrol of your ownrelationships.Caprino: What is ourpersonal part in a conflictthat’s reached astalemate with acolleague or a boss? Howis our identity involved?Shapiro: We don’t liketo feel rejected in theworkplace – and thisfeeling of disaffiliationturns out to have a hugeinfluence on productivity,morale, and retention.You might feeloverlooked in meetingsbased upon your age,gender, or race—gettingthe sinking feeling thatyou are not part of theinner circle. The problemis doubly difficult to 04/24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 6 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PMwith, because it can feeltaboo to even talk aboutthese kinds of issueswithout facing some sortof potential socialpunishment forthreatening the statusquo. We end upwhispering ourgrievances behind closeddoors—but theorganization never learnsfrom our frustrations andproductivity deteriorates.Caprino: What is at theheart of human conflictand why do rationalapproaches so rarelywork?Shapiro: Rationality iscritical to effectivenegotiation – but it’s justnot enough. For example,when two spouses argueover finances, oneaccuses the other ofspending too much. Theyneed to figure out theirbudget rationally – but istheir problem just aboutmoney? Of course not.It’s also about each one ofthem wanting to feelrespected and free /24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 7 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PMmake decisions. If theydon’t deal with thoseemotional issues, theirconflict persists.Caprino: What dohostage negotiators inlife-or-death situationsknow that leaders andmanagers can learnfrom?Shapiro: Imagine afather holes himself up inhis own home, along withhis 5-year-old daughter –and then calls his ex-wifeand says he will kill thedaughter unless he canhave the daughter livewith him for good. In thiskind of situation, it’stempting to bring in theSWAT team and the gunsand just aim to decapacitate the father andsave the child. That’sHollywood. In the realworld, things are not sosimple. The bullet mightaccidentally hit the child– and even if it woundsthe father, think aboutthe trauma it will imposeon the little girl sittingthere watching her 6/04/24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 8 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PMget shot and bleeding.In the early 1970s, theNew York PoliceDepartment realized thepower of anotherapproach: HostageNegotiation, and theystarted up their inspiringunit. I’ve worked withsome of their team, andthey are utterlyimpressive. They’vediscovered that the mostpowerful weapon forrescuing hostages maynot be the gun, but theability to talk, listen, andpersuade. It’s savedthousands of people’slives in NYC alone.Hostage negotiators aresome of the best listenersI’ve ever seen. And theyhave to be. Life is on theline.But it’s a skill that I thinkthe manager can learnfrom. Every departmenthas its share of politicalcrisis and turf wars. Atthe least, everyone wantsto feel heard, understood,and appreciated. As 4/24/negotiating-the lly/#5788bd378277Page 9 of 12
Negotiating The Nonnegotiable: How To Understand Conflict And Resolve Yours Successfully - Forbes5/1/16, 8:35 PMlisten, you gain the powerof information andaffiliation. The other sidestarts to trust you, andyou start to understandwhat is motivating theother side to act. You arein a better place toinfluence.But listening in a highstakes conflict is not easy.I often role play hostagenegotiation situations inmy courses. Whenstudents have to figureout what to say to ahostage taker, thesenormally talkativestudents look at meblankly, unsure how torespond. Listening andasking good open-endedquestions may seem likeeasy things to do – we dothem all the time—butnot nearly as well as wecould.PAGE 1 / 2Continue Comment on 2016/04/24/negotiating-the ly/#5788bd378277Page 10 of 12
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