WIXLIB

That free, wild, assertive part of me hunched down, crawled into a cage, andshut the door on herself.***When I was freely choosing the sex I wanted, I felt empowered.But once I settled into a traditional relationship with traditional gender roles,I found myself having the sex I thought I was supposed to have.Sex was not for my self-expression any longer. It was for my partner’spleasure.The sex you have for yourself is different from the sex you have formen.Having the sex HE likes won’t make you satisfied.You need to also be having the kind of sex YOU like, down to everyromantic/erotic/sensual detail.I should have known this, but my cultural conditioning overpoweredeverything else.I’d grown up hearing that sex was a “marital duty.” Women were responsiblefor GIVING men sex. It was part of the relationship package, along withcooking meals and keeping the house clean.I didn’t think I bought into any of that B.S Until I fell in love and fell straight into acting just like my mother.Luckily, I would find a way out of my self-imposed sex prison. But in themeantime, my sexual confidence slipped away And I went searching for advice in all the wrong places.The Dawn of Bad Sex AdviceWhen you look for sex advice to help you get out of a rut, you’ll find abazillion tips on how to increase his pleasure and satisfy him.YourBrilliance.com- 15 -Amy Waterman

That’s because most of the popular sex advice floating around today datesback to 1962.That’s the year future Cosmo editor in chief Helen Gurley Brown wrote Sexand the Single Girl.Brown was a working girl who saw sex as a way to get ahead and have funalong the way.She was so driven to please men in bed that she dedicated herself to extremedieting and fanatic exercising, believing that you couldn’t be too slim for themale gaze.Although she intended to liberate women’s sexuality from the prison ofmarriage, she ended up imprisoning women in a different way.She taught women to see sex as a purely physical encounter, designed arounda man’s fantasies and his needs.The better a woman was at sex, the faster she’d get snapped up by a man.Men didn’t cheat on women who catered to their every need in bed. Andwasn’t that what every woman wanted?If you’ve read sex advice that tells you to experiment with different positions,meet him at the door wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and heels, or learn todo a striptease then give him a massage while wearing sexy lingerie, thenyou’ve read advice inspired by Brown.Some women enjoy this kind of advice. It gives them new ideas, keeps thingsfresh in the bedroom, and makes them feel as if they’re pleasing their man.But for other women—MANY other women—this kind of advice feels like astraitjacket.What if you don’t want to show up at the door wrapped in Saran Wrap?What if you hated gymnastics in school and aren’t about to start doinggymnastics in the bedroom now?What ever happened to making LOVE?What this old-school advice missed is the fact that sex is emotional.YourBrilliance.com- 16 -Amy Waterman

Sex is where we are most raw and sensitive.We are so incredibly vulnerable when we get naked.You know that horrible sense of impending rejection single women feel whenthey go out on a first date? That’s what many women feel every time they getnaked with their partner.Getting naked forces us to confront whether we feel desirable, whether wefeel desired, whether we feel used, and whether we feel good enough.It’s not just a physical act that culminates in release.It’s an emotional dance that can either lead to greater connection andintimacy Or great loneliness.Enter the Sex SaviorsLuckily, we no longer have to listen to well-meaning middle-aged women givesex advice based on their personal opinions.We now have science on our side—science that didn’t even EXIST 20 yearsago.Every day, scientific research and clinical studies are generating practicalinterventions to improve our intimate lives.The field of sex therapy helps couples attain the sexual connection they cravethrough addressing desire discrepancies, communication difficulties, andsexual dysfunction.Sex educators teach classes and write books to explain the basics of anatomyand sexual functioning.Thanks to brilliant sex educators like Dr. Emily Nagoski, Dr. Laurie Mintz,Dr. Ian Kerner, and Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray, I’ve learned the answer toquestions like YourBrilliance.com- 17 -Amy Waterman

What turns men on more, a woman's body or her confidence? (p.30) Who has higher sexual desire, men or women? (p.33) Who masturbates more, men or women? (p.33) Why can men get turned on instantly, while women take longer? (p.35) Why is vacation sex always so good? (p.40) How long does consistently great sex last? (p.41) What’s the clearest sign a woman is turned on? (p.41) What’s the secret to getting consistent orgasms? (p.42) Why can some women come from vaginal sex while others can’t? (p.43) What makes a vagina feel loose? (p.46) Is relationship sex better than hookup sex? (p.48) Is bad sex better than no sex? (p.49) Do men like being sex objects? (p.51) And many more These 21st century sex educators are revolutionizing sex advice.They’re replacing the agony aunts, Christian ministers, and ladies advicecolumnists who were once in charge of educating women in intimate matters.And one thing they do differently from dear Mrs. Brown?They prioritize women’s pleasure.They take as a starting assumption that sex should be equally good for BOTHpartners.YourBrilliance.com- 18 -Amy Waterman

Why So Many of Us Feel InadequateUnfortunately, sex has been better for men than it has for women for a longtime.The sexual revolution of the 1960s may have liberated women from theconfines of married sex, but it also punished women who didn’t want the “freelove” experience.Women who just wanted their sexual experiences to fall inside a safe,committed, long-term relationship were accused of being “frigid” or “square.”As we’re about to learn, the pressure to “have sex like a man” isn’t liberating.It’s constricting. True liberation is having sex like a woman.Old-school sex advice that told women what to do in the bedroom onlyemboldened some women.Many other women felt even greater self-doubt and inadequacy.It was as if they’d been cooking their entire lives, and suddenly an “expert”pops up to claim that they should be using the same techniques as masterchefs.Of course some women will want to learn these new techniques. But manyother women will suddenly doubt that the dinners they’ve been making fordecades are any good.Any advice that makes you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing in thebedroom—that you’re no expert, and you’ll never be an expert—is harmful toyour love life.When we feel inadequate or ashamed of what we do in bed, we shut downsexually. We don’t share our most intimate, authentic self with our partner.We perform instead of being present.So the second big fat myth we need to challenge is this:The idea that you need someone to tell you what to do in bed.You don’t need a sex expert to give you new positions.You just need some sex education.YourBrilliance.com- 19 -Amy Waterman

Knowledge Will Set You FreeIf you’re like 99.9% of women, you didn’t get a great sex education in school.You may have even learned false or misleading information.Even today, I occasionally hear my girlfriends repeating things that just aren’ttrue.Such as the myth that men think about sex once every 7 seconds.In fact, the most recent research puts the frequency of men’s sexual thoughtsat just 19 times a day. Basically the same as how often men think about food.1Or the myth that men are always ready for sex at the drop of a hat.In fact, anywhere from 14 to 19% of men experience problematic low desire.Or the myth that women need to have an emotional connection tofeel turned on.In fact, women get turned on by a WIDER range of sexual stimuli than men.This is why we need sex education.We’ve learned a lot of stuff that isn’t true, and it’s harming our sexualfreedom and sexual expression.We can’t help what we were taught. But it’s amazing the relief that comes withknowing the truth about your body and your sexuality.Sex educators envision a world where everyone knows their bodies, knowswhat they like, and knows how to communicate.A world where we are all free from pressure to make our sexuality fit in a box.Sex is such a personal, private thing.If what you’re doing doesn’t bring you great joy and pleasure, then isn’t ittime to learn how to make sex work for 0224499.2011.565429YourBrilliance.com- 20 -Amy Waterman

The Pleasure RevolutionI didn’t get my mojo back until I started researching what would end up beingmy 12th book, The Pleasure Principle.I was exploring what happens to a woman’s health, happiness, andrelationships when she starts putting her pleasure first.I was astounded to find out that a woman’s pleasure turns on a man BETTERthan Viagra!A study found that men struggling with erectile dysfunction found theircondition resolving when their wives devoted themselves to enjoying theirown selfish pleasures—even if those pleasures weren’t sexual in the slightest!How would things be different if the main reason you had sex was to makeyourself feel really, really good?“Mastering the art of receiving pleasure from a man catapults youbeyond most women he’s ever known.”- The Pleasure PrincipleTry this thought experiment What would sex look like for you if it were completely designedaround YOUR pleasure?What if it was HIS job to please you in exactly the way you like best—including romancing you, sweeping you off to a tropical getaway, andswearing his undying love, if that’s what turns you on—rather than your job toplease him?Do you think you could tell your current partner this? If not, why not?The Revolution Is Growing.I am not the only Pleasure Revolutionary.YourBrilliance.com- 21 -Amy Waterman

There is a movement swelling up from the ranks of frustrated womeneverywhere.Women who are tired of organizing their lives around everyone else.Women who are tired of putting their own needs last.Women who know that life is supposed to be better than this.These women have learned that they can give and give and give But no one gives like that to them.No one is indulging them, spoiling them, bringing them treats, and thinkingup wonderful ways to give them more pleasure.Treating him like a king will not make him treat you like a queen.The ONLY thing that will make him change and start treating you like hisqueen is if YOU start embodying the royal blood that flows within your veins.You were meant to be worshipped. Do you have the courage to demand morepleasure?“[W]hen a woman begins to plug into what it means to have theprivilege of 8000 nerve endings dedicated to pleasure, what itmeans to have her emotional truth embodied . and not try to be ‘sugarand spice and everything nice’ but to actually feel free to expressthe full range of her passion, her grief, her rage, her devastation,her joy. When she can fully embody every aspect of her presence in thisworld and live the legend that she was born to become, then thatis a game-changing moment for a woman.”- Mama GenaI Shouldn’t Need to Say This, But One of the biggest myths destroying our sex lives is the myth that sex is FORMEN.YourBrilliance.com- 22 -Amy Waterman

This myth claims that the purpose of sex is to satisfy men’s needs, make himemotionally attached to you, and ensure he won’t stray.This myth claims that the main reason we have sex because MEN want sex.And they want it sooner rather than later. You won’t get another date if youtell him that you’d rather wait, thank you very much.Sex feels less like a personal choice you get to make on a case-by-case basis And more like something you feel pressured into.I can’t think of a worse context to share your body with someone.Not because you’re ready and eager to experience pleasure together But because you think he’ll drop you like a hot potato if you don’t.If we’re going to free ourselves to have the best sex of our lives, we need toSTOP having bad sex And that includes sex you feel expected to have just because he wants it.He Doesn’t Know As Much As He Thinks He DoesWhen you believe the myth that sex is for men, you find yourself deferring tomale expertise.You put your sexuality in his “capable” hands or so you think.In fact, men don’t know any more about what they’re doing thanyou do.Men know less about a woman’s anatomy than a woman. (Some men actuallybelieve that a woman pees out of her vagina!)Men are less likely to go to reputable sources for their sex education—likebooks, podcasts, and sex experts—and more likely to get their informationfrom friends and porn.YourBrilliance.com- 23 -Amy Waterman

You don’t need me to tell you that his guy buddies and the porn sites he visitshave no CLUE about what a real woman like you wants in bed.So that’s our next big fat myth.Contrary to popular reports, men are NOT the experts in the bedroomthey claim they are.Case in point: the guy who does something to you that you HATE in bed, butclaims that his ex-girlfriend loved it, so what’s wrong with you?The only way for a guy to learn what you like is to ASK you.“Do you like this? Does this feel better? Where do you want me totouch you? Show me what turns you on.”He has to start from scratch every time he sleeps with someone new. He can’tassume that what made him a masterful lover with his previous partner isgoing to work for you.Too many men have a repertoire of “tried-and-true” sexual techniques thatthey use over and over again. Their ego depends on getting the same resultseach time.If you can’t come with his patented swivel-and-thrust technique, then you’rethe one with “the problem.” Sure you’re not frigid?Ladies!!!Are we going to stand for this?It’s time we busted the myth that we should put our sexuality into a man’scapable hands because he knows what he’s doing.He knows less than we do, because WE are the only ones who know ourbodies inside and out. WE are the only ones who know what turns us on andwhat turns us off. WE are the experts on our own sexuality.And it’s OUR job to communicate that knowledge to him.YourBrilliance.com- 24 -Amy Waterman

Talking about Porn A lot of men don’t realize they need to learn how to handle a woman’s bodyfrom REAL-LIFE women. They think they’ve already learned everything theyneed to know from porn.Most boys start to seek out porn by the age of 13. By the time they’ve grownup, 80% of them are watching it weekly.Not only is porn acutely-habit forming, but it changes the way these youngmen act sexually in relationships.They use the moves they’ve seen on screen. They expect their partners toreact like porn actresses. The emotional component of real-life sex is absent.I’m not naïve about the porn industry. I’ve written about the porn industry.I’ve gotten autographs from porn stars. I used to enjoy the old-schoolplayfulness and humor.But porn was always meant as entertainment. It’s pure fiction and fantasy. Itwas never meant for education.Yet young people today are getting their information about what sex issupposed to be like from these videos.Which can lead to horrifying outcomes Like young women believing that sex is supposed to hurt, because it looks likeit hurts in porn.Again, I shouldn’t need to say this, BUT Another big fat myth about sex is that what we do in our bedrooms withour partners should look like what porn stars do on screen.Everything in porn is about visual impact. It’s not actually about pleasure.YourBrilliance.com- 25 -Amy Waterman

So if your guy thinks he’s a sex wizard because he’s watched a lot of porn, itmight be time for you to pull a Mrs. Robinson and educate him about how toplease a real woman.But What About 50 Shades?Here’s another example of guys jumping to the wrong conclusions on thebasis of fiction When the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy came out, the internet was flooded withadvice for men, telling them that all women were secretly MUCH kinkier thanthey’d ever imagined.YourBrilliance.com- 26 -Amy Waterman

Guys started pulling BSDM moves on unsuspecting women. “Hey, thatcharacter Anastasia liked it—what’s wrong with you?”Women who’d read the books and enjoyed them now felt pressured to trybondage in their own relationshipsIt wasn’t enough that the books were racy and a turn-on. Now they feltpressured to act the scenes out. To turn what they imagined into what theydid.Some women did enjoy incorporating new moves into their sex life, butothers felt like they were being boring or prudish because they didn’t want tobuy a bondage kit.It’s time we confronted another common sex myt

Raise your hand if you've ever heard anyone say this: "Men can't be monogamous." "Sex doesn't mean anything." "Women can have sex just like men." "Don't bore him in bed." "Men are visual creatures." "He'll leave you if you don't satisfy him." We hear these messages ALL the time. We hear them from friends. We read them online.