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Dr. Cloud highlights four essential ingredients to growth with suchclarity that no reader will fail to benefit. Growing takes time, prayer,and hard work. This book will at least ease some of your growing pains.Archibald D. Hart, Ph.D., dean, professor of psychology,Fuller Theological SeminaryPeople coming from dysfunctional homes are automatically afraid ofbeing close to people. Changes That Heal is a powerful and insightfulbook about bonding and boundaries. It shows how to connect to otherpeople so that we may become whole people in spite of our brokenand lonely past.Jim and Sally Conway, directors, Mid- Life Dimensions;authors, Adult Children of Legal and Emotional Divorce andWhen a Mate Wants OutAll of us seek to be future- oriented individuals, but we live with somuch baggage form our past and our history. Here is a well- written,biblically sound, readily comprehensible book that releases us to notonly anticipate but enjoy the remaining years God gives to us.Ted W. Engstrom, President Emeritus, World VisionWhat a true blessing Changes That Heal has been to Jan and me!Everyone can benefit from the scriptural insight of this excellent bookto bring the healing that is necessary for full maturity in our walk andrelationship with God and with others.Dave Dravecky, former San Francisco Giant, author ofComebackOf all the professionals I know, Henry Cloud understands and explainsbest why people develop emotional and relational problems and howthey can solve them.Dr. Paul Meier, Minirth- Meier Clinic9780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 15/4/18 3:11 PM
Also by Dr. Henry Cloud andDr. John TownsendBoundariesBoundaries WorkbookBoundaries audioBoundaries video curriculumBoundaries in DatingBoundaries in Dating WorkbookBoundaries in Dating audioBoundaries in Dating curriculumBoundaries in MarriageBoundaries in Marriage WorkbookBoundaries in Marriage audioBoundaries in Marriage curriculumBoundaries with KidsBoundaries with Kids WorkbookBoundaries with Kids audioBoundaries with Kids curriculumHow People GrowHow People Grow WorkbookHow People Grow audioHow to Have That Difficult ConversationMaking Small Groups WorkMaking Small Groups Work audioOur Mothers, OurselvesRaising Great KidsRaising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculumRaising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of PreschoolersRaising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School- Age ChildrenRaising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of TeenagersRaising Great Kids audioSafe PeopleSafe People Workbook12 “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy9780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 45/4/18 3:11 PM
ZONDERVANChanges That HealCopyright 1990, 1992, 2018 by Henry CloudRequests for information should be addressed to:Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546ISBN 978-0-310-35178-8 (softcover)ISBN 978-0-310-31294-9 (ebook)All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The HolyBible, New International Version , NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 byBiblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.www.Zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarksregistered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc. Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American StandardBible , Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 byThe Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)Scripture quotations marked NRSV are taken from the New Revised StandardVersion Bible. Copyright 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in theUnited States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version.Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version. Publicdomain.Any Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this bookare offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply anendorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sitesand numbers for the life of this book.All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored ina retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means— electronic,mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other— except for brief quotations inprinted reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.Published in association with Yates & Yates, www.yates2.com.Cover design: Faceout StudioInterior design: Denise FroehlichFirst printing May 2018/Printed in the United States of America9780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 65/4/18 3:11 PM
To Julie and ChristiMy prayer is that the fruit of your gracecan be seen in these pages.9780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 75/4/18 3:11 PM
ContentsAcknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11Changing in Him . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15I. Three Ingredients of Growth1. Grace and Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 212. Time. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36II. Bonding to Others3. What Is Bonding? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 554. When We Fail to Bond. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 745. Learning to Bond. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100III. Separating from Others6.7.8.9.10.What Are Boundaries?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109How We Develop Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135Crossing Over Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146When We Fail to Develop Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . 177Learning to Set Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194IV. Sorting Out Good and Bad11. What Is the Problem? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20312. When We Fail to Accept Good and Bad. . . . . . . . . 22613. Learning to Accept Both Good and Bad. . . . . . . . . . 2369780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 95/4/18 3:11 PM
V. Becoming an Adult14. What Is Adulthood?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25115. When We Fail to Grow Up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28116. Learning to Become Mature Adults. . . . . . . . . . . . 296Conclusion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 307Study Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 310Notes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3239780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 105/4/18 3:11 PM
Changes That HealAcknowledgmentsIdid not set out to write this book. It is the product of a lot of people,without whose input this book would not exist. The ideas presented here are composites of many experiences over the last fifteenyears that involve faithful servants of Jesus Christ, and I would like toacknowledge some of the persons specifically.Dr. John Townsend, my friend and associate, has been instrumental in the development of the model presented in this book. Throughmany hours of dialogue and team teaching, his input and thinkinghave added much to my understanding of Scripture and of emotional life. I am indebted to him for the loyalty of his friendship, thediscipline of his professional life, and the example of his heart, whichis attuned to the hurts of others. We have taught this material togetherfor several years, and there has never been a single presentation wheresome idea of his has not influenced my thinking. I am grateful for hisinvolvement in the concepts presented here.Dr. John Carter deserves many thanks for introducing me to theunderstanding of what an incarnational gospel really means, and tothe understanding of the value of relationship at the center of any truescholarship. He was a model instructor at Rosemead Graduate School,and his continuing input over the years has shown me that Jesus holdsall understanding in his hand.Dr. Phil Sutherland’s model of a wisdom perspective on the119780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 115/4/18 3:11 PM
Changes That HealScriptures gave me new lenses through which to approach the Bible,and significantly helped me to discover “new wineskins” that couldcontain the true miracle of therapy. Everything that I think about theways that humans grow contains the seeds of his perspective. I amthankful for his input into the early manuscript as well.Dr. Bruce Narramore’s thinking on the concepts of guilt andconscience, as well as on a process understanding of growth, wereinvaluable to me in my training. His commitment to training professionals has borne fruit for the last twenty years.I will be forever grateful to Dr. Frank Minirth and Dr. PaulMeier, who fifteen years ago encouraged me to go into the field ofhelping. If it were not for them, I would certainly be doing somethingelse with my life. And I am grateful to Dr. Althea Horner for hersupervision and humanity. Her thinking about how people grow hasbeen more than helpful to me as I have developed my own thinking. She has shown me that psychoanalysis must bow to love. Dr.Doug Wilson deserves special thanks for giving me a place to beginpractice and for encouraging me to integrate that practice into ministry, as do the rest of CORE: Dr. Michele McCormick, Monte Pries,Ann Huffman.Campus Crusade for Christ deserves special thanks for thedevelopment of this book. It was under their original request thatthis material was developed and envisioned. Loren Lilliestrand, thenU.S. field director, put the original project together, and deservesmuch credit for its coming to fruition. In addition, other Crusadestaff members have been very encouraging in the development of thiswork. Special thanks go to Mary Graham for thinking that this couldbe used in training, and Melanie Ahlquist for reading the manuscript.The staff at the Minirth- Meier Clinic West have been superiormodels with whom to work in recent years. Their continued commitment to healing in the lives of others has encouraged me professionallyas well as personally. I love seeing the fruits of their daily gifts toothers. Dr. Dave Stoop has been a constant encouragement in thewriting of this book, and his input as he taught the material with me129780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 125/4/18 3:11 PM
Acknowledgmentswas invaluable. Thanks go to him for helping bring metaphor to life.Thanks also go to the Friday group for their application of faith to life.Also I’d like to thank Dr. Anita Sorenson for reading the manuscript and making some helpful observations. I appreciate the supportthat Jana Swanson has offered personally and for interacting with thematerial.Thanks to Scott Bolinder for believing in the book and for agreeing to publish this revised edition, to Sandy Vander Zicht for herthoughtful and meticulous work in making the manuscript more userfriendly, to the rest of the Zondervan team for their encouragementand welcome, and to Sealy Yates for all of his encouragement andsupport and for the invaluable role he plays in the lives of Christianauthors.I am grateful to Maureen Price, Jody Coker, Lisa Leets, and theGrowth Skills Foundation for their incredible work in getting thismessage to so many pastors and churches over the years. And manythanks to all the churches that have used Changes That Heal to helpso many people.If anything comes through in the message of this book, it is thatthe body of Christ is the only place in which we grow. My communityof friends has been the place where I have “grown into” the conceptspresented here. They deserve special thanks: Dr. Edward Atkinsonfor being a true friend through the years and showing me the Lordwhen he was not easily found; Bill and Julie Jemison for taking a newChristian in and walking through the early days of faith— their loveand support will never be forgotten; Guy and Christi Owen for theirsupreme ability to produce a safe harbor for me; Toby Walker for keeping theology practical and being a truly giving friend; and my parents,whose early and sustained commitment to me have imparted muchtoward my ability to see God as good.139780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 135/4/18 3:11 PM
Changing in HimEvery week I see Christians who are suffering from a whole rangeof emotional problems: anxiety, loneliness, grief over brokenrelationships, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Often theyhave been struggling with these problems for years. They are peoplein pain.The church is split on how to deal with these hurting people.Those on one side of the issue say that people who struggle emotionally are “in sin.” They “don’t have enough faith,” “are not obedient,” or“don’t spend enough time in the Word.” These people tend to blamethe hurting person for his or her pain.The answers Christians on this side of the argument tend to givesound a lot like the ones Job received from his friends. “God is trying to teach you something.” “Look at the blessings you still enjoy.”“God is testing you.” “Give thanks in spite of your circumstances.”The speeches of Job’s three friends contain elements of truth, but donot often help the person in pain.A despairing person should have kindness from his friend, saidJob, “so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14NASB). Job recognized, as only a person in pain can do, that simpleanswers not only fail to relieve pain, they can literally drive a personfurther away from God. The hurting person who takes this sort ofadvice to heart often has two problems instead of one: the pain she159780310351788 ChangesThatHeal int SC.indd 155/4/18 3:11 PM
Changes That Healoriginally had, plus the guilt over not being able to apply the answersshe was given.The help offered to Christians in emotional pain over the yearshas done untold damage and has led many to reach the conclusio
Dr. Bruce Narramore’s thinking on the concepts of guilt and conscience, as well as on a process understanding of growth, were invaluable to me in my training. His commitment to training profes-sionals has borne fruit for the last twenty years. I will be forever grateful to Dr. Frank Minirth and Dr. Paul
