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People PleaserIf you're a "people pleaser," you're always being taken advantage of. You're alsoprobably not getting what you want out of life. It's time to shift the focus fromothers to yourself more often, and stop being a martyr to niceness. Here's how tomake the transition.Part 1 of 2: Short-Term Solutions1Learn how to say "no". Don't make up excuses — give your reasons for not wanting something. For example, your husband wants his entire family to come to Christmas dinner, andyou just can't face it. Say, "I'm sorry darling; I find the pressure of entertaining such alarge number of people intolerable." Your best friend wants you to go with him to a party that will be full of people that youcan't stand? Say, "No thanks, Bob. It's just not my scene." You don't have to say"Seriously, Bob? Your friends are all jerks and I gag a little when I see them." A simple"no, thanks" will generally suffice. Start small by finding something small to say "no" to, and say it firmly. Say it politely, butmean it! You'll be surprised — the world will not collapse around your ears! Peoplerarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing.2

Ask for what you want. If everybody's going to the movies, and most people in the group wantto see a particular movie, but you'd rather watch something else, speak up! It doesn't mean youget to watch the movie you want, necessarily, but who knows — maybe there are others in thatgroup that would prefer to see your choice, and were people-pleasing too! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn't have to mean you'remaking a demand. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your ownpreferences is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something will help. Ultimately, you mustremember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others,but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs ordesires. It's not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what youwant, or if there's a decision being made, put in your opinion, and let that be that.3Do something for yourself. Do one thing you have been wanting to do, but feel afraid someoneelse will not like. Heck on 'em. Do it anyway! Dye your hair, get that new look, have a treat that you enjoy, go on holiday, or go seethat movie you like but nobody else wants to see! Whatever you do, do it for yourself, and practice not worrying what anyone else thinks.Don't get caught up in doing things "their way" just because no one else wants you to dothem "your way." Remember that there ought to be things that you truly want to do for yourself,regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Other people's opinions are afactor in our lives, but they should not be the determining factor.

4Compromise. While it's not good to be a pushover, it's no better to be a manipulative bully or areckless rebel. Don't become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem.So do those who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills which include healthyassertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is your choice. Keep a balance! Sometimes the needs of other people should come first. Whenever there's a conflict ofdesires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or betteryet, a "win-win" situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.Part 2 of 2: Long-Term Solutions1Examine your fears. Are they realistic? Are they truly terrible? You might be afraid that no onewill like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don't say theright thing. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it's time to unlock the doors andwalk out! The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they're not willing toaccept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?2.

Evaluate your boundaries. Compare those to the limits you set on others. To what extent areyou willing to restrict your openness to being used by others? What is acceptable behavior for you and what is unacceptable? Being able to analyzethis factor allows you to measure what can be done for others and what shouldn't bedone for others in a much more objective manner. Is that the same for you and for others? Do you tolerate the intolerable? Normalize the abnormal? Accept the unacceptable? Doyou know what it feels like to be treated with dignity and respect? Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to setlimits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.3.Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needsand feelings were pushed aside, not considered, or even belittled. Being able to identify andunderstand the source allows us to better understand ourselves, and to better eliminate ourbeing a "people pleaser." Were you always expected to anticipate and mold yourself to everyone else's needs?Were you expected to shoulder the family's need at a young age? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what otherswanted you to do? That if you did not do what they want, they would disapprove of youand berate you? If so, here's a newsflash — not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing on pleasingothers, you open yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach yourpotential as an individual if you are constantly imprisoned by others' expectations.

Eventually, when people have had enough of your services, they will not recognize youfor your true worth: but for the number of errands you can do for them.4.Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble that you want tohelp others, but it's something you should do because you want to, not because you feel youhave to. The willingness to help others should come after you know how to help yourself. The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you'redoing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn't, is the action reallygenuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you're helpingothers to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?Tips In some cases, being a "people pleaser" might be a code for beingcodependent. If you're interested, consider reading Codependent NoMore, a seminal work on the subject, or find a Coda meeting, or otherresource. Be aware that this is a self-help driven topic and not everyoneagrees with the concept of co-dependency as posited by the authors inthis area.Don't worry about what other people think of you. You shouldn't have todo what they want or look how thy want you to. It is your life and othersneed to know it and accept it.Be persistent. If this is a lifelong habit, it will not be easy to overcome.Maintain enough self-awareness so that you realize when you are beinga "pleaser," and put the brakes on it every time (to begin with).Eventually, it will become a habit that you can moderate when the

situation calls for you to be more flexible. The rest of the time — have ityour way.Never think that the world around you will collapse if you fail to please aperson. There are always new friends to find, and if the "friend" youwere trying to please leaves you because you did not please him or her,he or she is not your friend and it's good that he or she left. However,keep doors open just in case your friend realizes the mistake he or shemade.Be yourself. How do you expect people to like you if they don't see whoyou really are. There is one way and that is by showing them the personyou are when you are alone, the person you know and love. This makesyou true, original and interesting. Be your own brand, you don't have tofit anyone's stereotype, maybe you are what they are looking for. Takethe chances, to get something you never had you have to do somethingyou have never done.Some telltale signs that you're too entwined in the lives of othersinclude: you are either passive or aggressive, with little or no give andtake in between; you never seem to be having any fun; you areconstantly controlling or being controlled; you are often in a hurry,usually for no reason.Warnings Don't blame others for your decision to change. Don't say "I had to dothis because of you"! Remember that you are deciding to change foryourself.Note that expressing your own desires requires first your awareness ofwhat they are, which requires conscious and consistent practice. Forinstance, your partner says "Let's have hamburgers for dinner" and youmay really think "Whatever is fine by me" while, it is only "fine" becauseyou never make that choice. Take the few extra seconds to consider it.

Or, where do you go when you are alone? Tell him or her that's whereyou would like to go this time. Do not be concerned about what is a goodopportunity to practice and what is not.Trying to please people all the time leaves you open to constantly beingtaken advantage of.Sometimes you need to compromise. Try to please people sometimes.Some people may take time to adjust to the new you. Don't apologize forbeing you, but be gentle with them!Some things you may want to do may not be workplace-safe. If you reallyneed your job, think twice before mouthing off or getting a pink mohawkand five piercings – especially if you have to be at the investment bank inthe morning.Some people may seem to reject the new, more assertive, less roll-overyou. Although you may have been afraid to change at first, understandthat other people may be as well, and may not understand that theirrejection is not so much aimed at you as much as it is aimed atthemselves. Just as you might have thought to reject your desires, somight others reject theirs and yours in turn only because they think thatis what is good for the both of you! Be patient with such people. Just asyou were capable of understanding that change is nothing to fear, otherswill come to realize this in time. You can do much to inspire people andcalm their own fears by resisting your own.

In some cases, being a "people pleaser" might be a code for being codependent. If you're interested, consider reading Codependent No More, a seminal work on the subject, or find a Coda meeting, or other resource. Be aware that this is a self-help driven topic and not everyone agrees with