Transcription
yJulianFellowes
Act ISCENE ONEOlympic Powerhouse1. I’M TOO HOT FOR YOUJEFF And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: NoVacancy!THEAHey! We’ve been togetherSuch a long long timeIt’s been a great three days you know it’s trueBut now I can’t help thinkin’Something isn’t rightAnd honestly it isn’t me it’s you I’m too hot for youBabe you just can’t denyI’m too hot for youThe mirror doesn’t lieThought you’d past the testBut you’re a six at bestI’m too hot for youSo let’s just say goodbye.DEWEYLet’s pick it up now guys!THEABaby don’t feel sorryI know how hard you triedI guess some things they justAin’t meant to beDEWEYYEAH!2
THEAYou wanna know what happenedJust look me in the eyeFace it babe the answer’sPlain to seeDEWEYPlain to see! Yeah!THEAI’m too hot for youDEWEYMe too!THEAI know, it’s so unfairDEWEYSO unfair! Baby!THEAI’m too hot for youAnd you’re just kinda there!I’m too hot for youDewey begins to play a wildguitar solo. His bandmateswatch in horror.THEADewey cut it out! Dewey! Dewey!BOBDewey! What are you doing?!DEWEYThank you New York! Goodnight!THEAThat’s it, I’m done with that guy.He’s out,DOUGAlright, man!3
SCENE TWODewey’s BedroomNEDDo we have to do this now?PATTYYes, he’s trashed the house again, I’m sick of it!NEDHe’s lived here a long time.PATTYWhat does that mean? He’s been here longer than me so I matter less?NEDNo, Patty-cake, of course not, it’s just – we went to High School together,we were in a band together. He’s my best friend.PATTYHe’s not your friend. He’s a freeloader, Ned, and he never pays rent. Hetakes advantage of you. He’s rude to me, and it’s time he paid somerent!NEDWaking him up in the morning is a bad idea. It’s like using a beehive asa piñata – it’s dangerous!PATTYYou can’t live your life letting people push you around. Go! Do it!DEWEY(Talking in his sleep)Yes, I understand guacamole is two dollars extra NEDDewey.Dewey? Dewey!PATTYWake up, Dewey! Time to get up!She rips the covers off Dewey. Hestumbles out of bed with a start.4
DEWEYPatty! What do you want?PATTYThe rent.DEWEYYou woke me up for that?PATTYYes, we woke you up for that!!DEWEYI am so sick and tired of being the guy everyone comes to for the moneyI owe them.PATTYWell, sorry to disturb your beauty sleep, but we’re going to work now,Dewey. You see we work. I serve the Mayor of this city – the whole city –and Ned Ned has the most important job there is!DEWEYTemping?PATTYTeaching! A substitute teacher is not a temp!DEWEYHe’s a babysitter.NEDI’d like to see you try it!DEWEYSweet comeback, bro.PATTYI don’t care what you think of us, Dewey. Pay some rent!DEWEYTell her, Ned! The Battle of the Bands is in three weeks! I need everypenny I make!PATTYSo do we! And you know what? It belongs to us! Why don’t you sell thatstupid guitar?5
DEWEY(Lunging for guitar)Noooo! Would you ask Picasso to sell his guitar?PATTYOh my God, you’re an idiot.DEWEYNed? Help me here. You can’t have forgotten what I’m playing for.What’s happened to you? You used to be a blood sucking, cross-dressingincubus from Maggot Death!NEDThat’s not who I am anymorePATTYHe’s moved on, Dewey. It’s called “growing up”! You should try it.Patty exits.DEWEYI don’t want to try! Ned?! I’ve been mooching off you for years and it’snever been a problem before.NEDCome on. If you don’t pay rent, Patty might leave me.DEWEYSo I shouldn’t pay the rent then?NEDDewey. I may never get another girlfriend3. WHEN I CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MOUNT ROCKDEWEYNed. When I win the Battle of the Bands I will be rolling in theBenjamin’s and then I’ll pay your stupid rent. And that’s just thebeginning.I’ll be strumming my axe in a basement diveWith my totally kick-ass bandWhen an army of A and R men will arriveWith pen and contracts in hand6
And they’ll whisk me away in a big black carAnd the record execs and the girls from P.RThey’ll know from the start what a major league star I will be Just wait and see !NEDPlease Dewey, just pay it!DEWEYWhen I climb to the top of Mount RockAnd I’m there staring down from the heightsIn my black leather boots my seven-inch heelsAnd my lizard skin spandex tightsI’ll dive off the edge straight into a crowdThat’s screaming my name out loudAnd the gates will unlockAt the top of Mt. Rock!Dewey arrives at a REHEARSALSPACE. His band, “No Vacancy”,is there waitingDEWEYHey, guys! I’ve got some killer new material for the Battle of the Bands.THEADewey, you’re out. We’re taking the Battle of the Bands seriously thisyear. Meet SnakeSNAKESup.DEWEYWhat?! No! You can’t kick me out. I created No Vacancy!THEAYou brought the band together and now the band wants you out.DOUGDon’t feel bad, Dewey. You don’t fit in. We’re all really good looking.DEWEYThanks for that, Doug! But you’ve forgotten about one little thing: TheMusic! You know what? I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you!7
I’ll be blowing out amps playing stadium showsOn my sold-out galactic tourAnd I’ll blister the ears of the first thousand rowsAnd I’ll leave while they beg for moreThen I’ll pop the champagne and the party will rageNo brown M&Ms in my greenroom backstageBigger than Hendrix and Clapton and PageAnd the rest GIRL 1Dewey Finn?DEWEYThe all-time best!GIRL 2What a loser.DEWEYWhen I climb to the top of Mt. RockAnd I’m perched at the uppermost peakWith a legion of groupies all duking it outFor my chiseled Rock-God physiqueI’ll scatter hit singles all over the landWith my twelve Grammys in handAnd the fan-boys will flock‘Round the top of Mt. Rock!He ends up at the record storewhere he worksSTANLEYYou’re late again, Dewey. I have to let you go.DEWEYBut Stanley, I need this job. I’ve got to pay rent.STANLEYThat was your last chance.DEWEYPlease!8
The doubters and the haters and the hipstersLet ‘em laughSoon they’ll all be beggin’ for my roadie’s autographI know my time is comingWell, hopefully it’s comingI’m pretty sure it’s coming, any dayOnce I find a way When the dreams that I’ve had since the day I turned tenWill be finally coming trueAnd no one will call me a loser againOr tell me what I can’t do.So I’ll hold my head high, and keep strumming those stringsAnd I’ll grab any chance that my destiny bringsI’ll rise and I’ll rise and I’ll rise on the wings of my songUp where I belong And I’ll climb to the top of Mount RockAnd be part of that heavenly sceneWith Odin and Zeus on the bass and the drumsAnd Thor playing tambourine.And Elvin and Janis and Kurt will appearAnd Jesus will toss me a beerAnd we’ll jam ‘round the clockAt the top of Mount RockAt the top of Mount RockAt the top of Mount Rock!Phone ringsDEWEYWhat do you want?ROSALIEHello? This is Rosalie Mullins, Principal of Horace Green Prep School.Am I speaking with Mr. Ned Schneebly?DEWEYNo. He’s not here.ROSALIEWill you give him a message?DEWEYWhatever.9
ROSALIEWe have had an emergency and we need an immediate substitute tostart tomorrow morning at 8:45. I am not sure for how long, but theposition will pay nine hundred and fifty dollars a week.DEWEYNine fifty a week?ROSALIEYes. Nine hundred and fifty dollars a week.Without a word, Dewey goes to thedoor, opens and closes itDEWEYHold on a second, I think he just came in the door. Hello-o! Anybodyhome-e? Oh, hey Dewey! Ned, the principal from Horace Green is on thephone Hello this is Ned Schneebly. To whom am I speaking, please?SCENE THREEHORACE GREEN4. HORACE GREEN ALMA MATERROSALIENo running!MR MOONEYHAMZack. Zack! Don’t make me call you twice! And walk like you’re goingsomewhere! Look at you! Tuck in your shirt!ROSALIEGood morning, Mr Mooneyham. Good morning, Zack.ZACKGood morning Ms Mullins!ROSALIEGood morning, Mrs Hathaway. Good morning, Summer.SUMMERGood morning, Ms Mullins!10
MRS HATHAWAYMs. Mullins, I wonder if I could –SUMMERMum, your car is in a no parking zone.MRS HATHAWAYI know, honey, but I just wanted to ask Ms. Mullins if –SUMMERI’ll do the asking. Go move the car.MRS HATHAWAYAll right, honey if you’re –Summer has already gone.MRS HATHAWAYShe’s so definiteROSALIEIsn’t she just?MR WILLIAMSYou’re sure you’ve got everything?MR SPENCERYour homework? Your books?ROSALIEGood morning, Mr. and Mr. Spencer-Williams. Hello, Tomika.MR WILLIAMSHello Ms. Mullins. How is she settling in?ROSALIEIt’s hard to join a new school at her age, but she’ll be fine.MR WILLIAMSAnd your cold is completely gone?MR SPENCERIt wasn’t a cold, it was an allergyMR WILLIAMSI’m holding her lunch. Kevin, I’m holding her lunch! Tomika!11
School bell ringsPUPILSHere at Horace GreenWe face the futureAlways strivingEager to succeedHere at Horace GreenThe old traditionsShape who we areIn words and deed.Solemn and sereneWe shoulder dutySeek perfectionToil and never restThanks to Horace GreenOur Alma MaterWe’ll take our placeAmongst the bestHere at Horace GreenWe march in lock-stepEver upwardDestined to achieveHere at Horace GreenWe go forth proudlyMarked for successThe day we leaveROSALIEChildren? One word before you go.Pupils freezeROSALIEDue to Mrs. Dunham’s injury, a substitute will be arriving this morning.His name is Mr. Schneebly and I want to see him treated with thecourtesy that has made Horace Green famous. You are dismissed.Pupils leave.12
4A. HORACE GREEN ALMA MATER (UNDERSCORE)MS SHEINKOPFMs. Mullins, when will he be here?ROSALIEI told him we begin at eight forty-five.MS SHEINKOPFBut it’s nine forty-five.ROSALIELet’s hope he arrives before ten.MS SHEINKOPFAnd will he fit in?ROSALIEHis resume is very impressive.Can you take care of his class until he arrives?MS SHEINKOPF (To class)Get back! All of you! Now!Madison runs onto stageROSALIENo running!Madison begins to cryROSALIEDon’t cry. Do you want a hug?MADISONAhhh!ROSALIEBut I –Madison runs off stageDewey entersROSALIEDeliveries are out back.13
DEWEYNo, Hi. I’m Ned Schneebly. The substitute?ROSALIEYou’re very late Mr. Schneebly Never mind, you’re here now. PrincipalRosalie Mullins, we spoke on the phone.DEWEYSure. First things first: is there any chance of being paid up front?ROSALIEWhat?DEWEYIt’d be really great if I could be paid now. In cash.ROSALIEWe don’t do that.DEWEYIf you say so, but no checks made out to Ned Schneebly, OK? Everythingmade out to cash. Tax purposes.ROSALIEYou can discuss that with Candace in administration at the end of theday.Dewey raises his handROSALIEMr. SchneeblyDEWEYWhen is the end of the day?ROSALIEThe school hours are from eight forty-five to three.DEWEYCan I duck out a little early? I had a few last night and my head is likepounding. That’s if you don’t mind.ROSALIEI mind.14
DEWEYCool.ROSALIEMr Schneebly, perhaps you’re not familiar with this kind of institution.Let me explain something to you.5. HERE AT HORACE GREENROSALIEHere at Horace GreenOur name has come to meanPure excellenceIn every senseWhich we commandeerFor quite a lofty yearly fee.When they write those checksEach parent here expectsTheir child to earnA high returnAnd because they doThe pressure’s on for you and me.Here at Horace GreenWe rule the rankingsLead in fundingTest right off the chartGreatness is routineThe board demands itOr we will bothBe ripped apartDEWEYNo worries with me. If a kid gets out of line, I smack ‘em. Real hard.ROSALIEThere is no corporal punishment at Horace GreenDEWEYBut you do spank ‘em, right?ROSALIENo.15
At our hallowed schoolThe children, as a ruleLearn disciplineWe drill it inWith, as you might guessThe fear of doing less than well.While they’re in our careWe tenderly prepareThem to competeMR NOBLEMorning, Ms. Mullins!ROSALIEWith the elite.MR GREENGood morning, Ms Mullins!ROSALIETill they are dispersedTo Harvard or, at worst, Cornell.Here at Horace GreenWe take top honoursCrush our rivalsWear the Prep-school crown.There’s no in betweenWe get results hereOr the AlumsWill hunt us down.Ah, here we are! This is your classroom. Good morning, children!PUPILSGood morning, Ms. Mullins.ROSALIE.Thank you, Ms. Sheinkopf.MS SHEINKOPFYou’re welcome.ROSALIEChildren, this is Mrs. Dunham’s substitute, Mr. Schneebly.16
PUPILSGood morning, Mr. Schneebly.ROSALIEWhy don’t you write your name on the board?DEWEYGood thinking.He picks up a chalk and writes Mr. F –ROSALIEThat’s a funny S.DEWEYI’m just trying to get control of this darned chalk.Don’t give me such a hard time! That’s better.He writes Mr. Schneebly butstruggles to remember how to spell itROSALIEWell then. Any further questions?Dewey raises his handROSALIEMr. Schneebly.DEWEYWhen’s lunch?ROSALIELunch is at lunchtime. Oh, Mr. Schneebly, one last thing 5A. HERE AT HORACE GREEN (PART 2)Here at Horace GreenWe stick to customKeep on scheduleDo what must be done.Don’t and it will meanI go ballistic –Right, then, that’s all.Good luck.Have fun.17
She leaves.The children stare at Dewey.Dewey stares at them.DEWEYWho’s got some food?SUMMERWe’re discouraged from brining unauthorized food into the building.DEWEYNobody’s going to get in any trouble. I’m hungry. You. I know you’ve gotfood.LAWRENCEI have a cereal bar.DEWEYGive it here.Takes a bite, clearly doesn’t like it.DEWEYWhat is this? Don’t you have any real food?LAWRENCEReal food?DEWEYA burger! A pizza! What’s the matter with you?LAWRENCEI’m gluten intolerant.DEWEYOh God! You!What’s your name?FREDDYFreddy Ham –DEWEYGet up here, Freddy Mercury. You got any money?18
FREDDYI have ten dollars.DEWEYGreat. Now I want you to go out and get me a meatball sub with extracheese and a large Diet Coke.SUMMERMr. Schneebly, we can’t leave the school.DEWEYEver?SUMMERNot until the final bell.DEWEYOK. Here’s the deal. I’ve got a hang-over. Who knows what that is?LAWRENCEDoes it mean you’re drunk?DEWEYNo. It means I was drunk yesterday.ZACKIt means you’re an alcoholic.All children laugh.DEWEY(Sarcastic laugh)Alcoholic.What’s your name?ZACKZack Mooneyham.DEWEYWell, shut up, Zack Mooneyham. The point is, today you can just chillout. We’ll start on the teaching rubbish tomorrow. Take recess. Havefun. Leave me alone.Summer raises her hand19
DEWEYYou. Lucy Liu.S
You’re late again, Dewey. I have to let you go. DEWEY But Stanley, I need this job. I’ve got to pay rent. STANLEY That was your last chance. DEWEY Please! ! 9! The doubters and the haters and the hipsters Let ‘em laugh Soon they’ll all be beggin’ for my roadie’s autograph I know my time is coming Well, hopefully it’s coming I’m pretty sure it’s coming, any day Once I find a .
