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share the issue with the other. We discuss it, pray about it, wait for the peaceof God concerning it, and in most cases, wait for a word from the Lord toconfirm the action we are to take. We function as a partnership of two equals.You might be wondering what happens when we don’t agree. There havebeen several of those instances in our lives. For us, what this normally meansis that we need more time to pray about it. For example, when the Lordspoke to me to have more children, I actually was afraid to share it withDonna. Our two children were getting to an age where she had some freetime, and I knew she would not be ready to start over raising more children.When I finally got the courage to share with her what I had heard, her initialreaction was “no way”. I guess I could have forced her to go off all birthcontrol, but what I chose to do was wait and pray. After a while she said“yes” and we are both glad we had our last two children. They are a blessingto our family.There have been many other instances in which Donna has sensed the HolySpirit saying we were to do something. As an equal partner, she told me. If Iagreed, we did what we thought God was saying. If I disagreed or wasn’tsure, we waited and we prayed. I almost always came around to see what shewas saying was the correct action.Remember husbands, you wife has a lot more intuition and discernment thanyou do. If you lead as a monarch, you are almost always going to miss God’sbest for your marriage and family.But if, after praying, discussing an issue, and waiting on the Lord to lead, thetwo of you cannot reach agreement and husbands still feel certain the actionis the will of the Lord, then as the senior partner, husbands you must lead asyou sense God directing.Husbands, lead by being the provider and protector of the home.Women flourish in a marriage relationship in which they feel safe, secure, andon an exciting spiritual journey. Many families are forced to have bothpartners work in order to survive. So I am not talking about the era of Ozzieand Harriet.2 Even so, marriages flourish in an environment in which thehusband is the leader in providing the home’s finances.Donna and I have counseled a lot of couples where the wife lives in fear ofwhat check is going to bounce next or what bill collector is going to call atdinner tonight. This type of tension in the home causes a woman to not haverespect for her husband, and it makes it hard for her to honor her husband—even if he is a pillar in the house of God! Of course, we know that we allexperience hard times when money is very tight. Some go through this all oftheir life. Donna and I have been through several of those seasons in ourmarriage. So, I am not talking about times when we cannot put food on thetable but we are working at it as hard as we can. But when a husband is notleading properly and financial problems are resulting from their lack ofleadership, then problems arise in the marriage.So, of utmost importance is for husbands to lead so that their home functionswith financial stability and their family is provided for.5

Women also want to feel safe. Women don’t want to live in the threat ofuncertainty or the fear of abuse. Women don’t want to have to wake up everymorning wondering what emotional tangent my husband is pursuing now orwhat hairbrain idea, business venture, risky investment, bet, or drinkingbinge is going to happen today. Women want to feel safe. Safe because theyare married to a man who is steadfast day in and day out.Women also don’t want to live in fear that their husband is going to abusethem. Many go to bed at night in fear of physical abuse, but many more haveto deal daily with verbal and emotional abuse.For a woman to feel secure, she must know that she is valued by herhusband. When husbands are domineering toward their wives and regularlyberating them, criticizing them, accusing them, or even withdrawing in silencefrom them, then they don’t feel valued. Instead, they feel condemnation,shame, and worthless. All of these issues produce insecurity.Husbands must be the providers and protectors of their wives. This includes alot more than providing a safe home environment where thieves are unlikelyto attack. It means that husbands must provide a safe, secure home wherelove, encouragement, and nurture flows from husbands to their wives andchildren.Husbands lead by being the spiritual leader of the home.Women also desire a husband who is the spiritual leader in the home. Inmany, many christian homes, the wife is the spiritual leader. She is the onewho wants to go to church. She is the one who desires to tithe, study theBible, and pray with her mate. Christian women want a husband who will leadthem on the spiritual journey God has carved out for their lives together.For the first eight years of our marriage, if we had a spiritual leader in ourhome at all, it was Donna. She wanted to go to church, but I wouldn’t gobecause I wanted to play golf on Sundays. A few years before I came to theLord at the age of 30, she began to get serious about her relationship withthe Lord. Looking back on it, it was great because I am not sure I would haveever been saved without her prayers for me and the love for me she showedeven in my rebellion. But she longed for me to change and become thespiritual leader of our home. It was an innate desire within her. Even though Ialways provided for her financially, our marriage was far from what it shouldbe until turned my life over totally to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and beganto lead her spiritually.When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I changed radically.Immediately, I told her we need to find a church and we need to start tithing.After the shock wore off, she eagerly followed, and our marriage took a giantstep toward fulfillment.But that was only the beginning. She initiated a lot of our spiritual disciplinesthat we now pursue. She introduced me to doing Bible study—a life changingpractice for me. She regularly would share Biblical truths with me andintroduced me to new Bible teachers to listen to on cassette tape. Even6

though she introduced me to a lot, she had an eager student who was hungryfor God.I am not trying to boast; instead, I am only attempting to illustrate the needfor husbands to be the spiritual leader of their homes. Even though Donnainitiated a lot, I initiated our praying together daily; I initiated going to churchweekly; I initiated tithing; I led her into going into the ministry full time; I ledher to leave the traditional church we were on staff at and start the church wenow lead.I think of our spiritual journey together as husband and wife and a lot of fondmemories come to mind—a lot of difficult times too. As husband and wife wehave traveled to five continents, Central America, and the South PacificIslands serving the Lord. She has been instrumental in breaking through onbehalf of ministries and nations. She has done things she would have neverdone if I had not taken the role of the spiritual leader in our home.I also reflect on the blessing that our children and their families are to us andto the kingdom. All four sons and their wives are following the Lord. Thecompliment I receive more than any other is how unusual it is and howblessed I am because our sons are helping us in ministry. I realize how muchof a blessing that is and am very thankful for it. And I also wonder whatwould the story be if they had not seen as they were growing up me as thespiritual leader in our home. From a young age, they saw me studying theBible daily, worshiping to tapes and CD’s, praying with my wife. They saw memodeling to them the christian life and leading them spiritually.Husbands, when we lead in these ways and do not dominate our wives ordemand their submission, then we are leading our wives as the head of thehome.So, this leads us to our next life principles.Life Principle 20: Husbands, if you will stop trying to dominate your wife andbegin to lead your wife as Christ leads the church, she willlove you more than you can ever imagine, and you willbecome irrestible to her.Life Principle 21: Husbands, decide today to become the spiritual leader ofyour wife and in your home in four key areas: 1) make sureyour family attends church weekly with few exceptions,2)make tithing a priority that you initiate, 3) pray togetherwith you wife daily, and 4) model a christian walk of selfstudy of the word, prayer, and worship to your children.Husbands, Love Your WifeHusbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church.Ephesians 5 is clear. Husbands are to love their wife in the same way Jesus loved thechurch. The passage also makes it perfectly clear that to love your wife in this way, itrequires a husband to give himself fully to his wife and family—laying down his lifefor his wife and children.7

The gospel calls men to give up their rights and expectations of what is right andappropriate for the higher purpose of leading our spouses to be nurtured, cared for,loved, and fulfilled in the marriage relationship.Wow! What a responsibility. The question arises how do we in a practical way laydown our life, our rights, and expectations to love our spouse in this way. It is agood question. My answer, although maybe not fully complete, is our next lifeprinciple.Life Priniciple 22: Husbands, if we will lead our wives and families as wediscussed in the previous section plus devote our energy tomeeting our wife’s needs without regard to her meeting ourneeds, then we will be loving our wives in a similar mannerto the way Christ loved the church.Since meeting our wife’s needs is a big part of loving our wife, let’s discover what theneeds of a woman are.Wives have four basic needs that husbands should strive to meet on aregular basis.The scriptures tell husbands that they are to devote their energy to meeting theneeds of their wife. Note the following,But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concernedabout the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who ismarried is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please hiswife (1 Cor. 7:32-33).Jimmy Evans in his book, Lifelong Love Affair, presents four basic needs of a wife tobe met by her husband. They are,Women need security. They need to know that their most basic needs aretaken care of, that they are secure physically, emotionally, and financially.They need to feel nurtured and cherished and loved.Women need affection. They need nonsexual intimacy and care.Women need communication. They need a husband who will open his heartand communicate honestly, without reserve.Women need leadership. They need a husband who is willing to take chargeand guide the family.3A note to both husbands and wives.It is important that we understand that we are to focus on meeting the needs of ourspouses regardless of how we feel, how we think we are made, or who we think weare. For example, a lot of men say that they are the strong, silent type. Many menare men of few words. This may be true. But it doesn’t matter. Who you arenaturally doesn’t excuse you from who you need to be and from meeting your8

spouses needs. You must choose to meet your mate’s needs regardless of how youfeel or how you think you were made.It is also important that we understand that we are to meet our spouse’s needswithout regard to our own rights or expectations. Paul dealt with rights in the contextof physical intimacy in 1 Corinthians 7. But the principle applies to every area in amarriage relationship. Paul wrote,The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to herhusband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but thehusband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over hisown body, but the wife does (1 Cor. 7:3-4).When we marry, we lose the right to do as we wish since we are now one with ourmate. Accordingly, we are to surrender our rights for the purpose of meeting ourmate’s needs.The same is true with expectations. We must try to meet our mates needs withoutany expectation that our doing so will motivate them to try to meet our needs. Thisis what agape love is all about. It is about loving someone unconditionally, withoutregard to their response.The good news is that if we will try to meet our mate’s needs without regard torights or expectations, then most often our mate will want to try to meet our needsin return.Since we have already discussed the first of the wife’s needs—security and the needfor their husband to lead the home—we will now look at the remaining needs of awife.Women need to feel nurtured, cherished, and loved.For a woman to feel loved, she must feel cherished and nurtured. The dictionarydefines cherish as to value someone so much that you feel or show great love andcare for them. Nurture is defined as to give tender care or to encourage someone sothat they flourish in life.A Woman needs to know how much she is valued. She needs to know that she is themost important person in her husband’s world. When a husband devotes energy tomeeting the four basic needs of his wife, she will know and feel that she is loved,cherished and being nurtured to excel in life.Women need affection. They need nonsexual intimacy and care.When a woman only gets affection from her husband or words of affirmation whenhe wants to have sex, she feels that she is just a sex object. She believes that she isonly valued for one reason. A woman needs nonsexual affection, intimacy, and care.Nonsexual affection would include words of affirmation and encouragement, wordsexpressing a husband’s love for his wife, holding hands, a hug in the kitchen, orcuddling with no other motive than to show affection.9

A woman needs to hear regularly compliments and words of appreciation and wordsof encouragement. The tone in our words is also important. As we encourage andaffirm our wife, we must speak with gentleness and kindness in our hearts andwords.When a man relates to his wife this way and he does it with sincerity so that sheknows he means it, a woman feels very secure in the relationship and desires torespond to meet his needs.Women need communication.I know, men. The dreaded “C” word. Men, in case you did not know it, women like totalk more than you do. Communication is a real and deep need in the lives of almostevery woman.A lot of talking makes me tired. I think a lot of men feel this way. But for our wives,a good conversation energizes them and satisfies them. And a good, deep,meaningful conversation with her husband fulfills a wife, making her feel secure andenriched in her marriage. Open and honest communication between a husband andwife is as meaningful to a woman as having a meaningful sexual relationship is to ahusband.It is not sufficient for a woman to have good female friends with whom she canopenly communicate. She needs to have good communication with you—with herhusband. She needs communication that only you can provide. Just like when a manis deprived from a healthy sexual relationship with his wife, he is more open to thetemptation to stray, a woman who is not having good communication with herhusband is more susceptible to temptations from other men.Communication is that important to your wife. And women want detail. If Donna asksme about what happened at a meeting I had, my perfect answer is a two sentencesummary to tell her the meeting went well. Her idea of my perfect answer would gosomething like this,The meeting went well. We got started at 9:03 a.m. the room was reallybeautiful decorated with French Provencial furniture and fresh flowers. Almosteveryone there had their laptops but a few had iPads. We really accomplisheda lot. John said that he had had a great call from Bill about the ministryopportunity on the west coast. He said it would have to be scheduled for thefall. But I really don’t like to travel in the fall. It is my favorite time of theyear .You get the point. Men want to give the big picture, but women want details. Shewants you to sit down with her, focus on her and not your job, ministry, televisionshow, or the recent sports event and give her your undivided attention so that youcan communicate with her openly and honestly and in a lot more detail than youwould ever imagine. Quality time with your wife like this is very important to her.Men, we must recognize that this is a huge need in our wives. We must also realizethat you are the only person in her life who can meet that need. And then we mustdecide that we are going to give her the gift she wants from you—your conversation.10

We know we are to lay down our lives for our wives, loving them in the samemanner as Christ loved the church. Now, you know that we do that by meeting thesefour foundational needs in your wife. So, men, let’s go for it!Now, it’s the women’s turn.Wives, Submit to Your HusbandIn the same fashion, husbands are to love their wives as Christ lovedthe church and gave His life for the church, wives are to submit totheir husbands in everything.“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22, NIV). Verse 24adds “in everything”. The dictionary defines “submit” as to give over or yieldto the power or authority of another. Women are not called to submit to everyman, but God does say that wives are to submit to the authority of theirhusbands and He adds in everything.The idea of submission is offensive to many women. But in reality, it is a keyingredient in God’s blueprint for a successful marriage.So, how do wives submit to their husbands. This leads us to our next lifeprinciple.Life Principle 23: Wives, submit to your husbands by following hisleadership as the servant leader of your home whileat the same time focusing your energy on meetinghis innate needs as a man.With this understanding, let’s examine four foundational needs of a man.Husbands have four basic needs that wives should strive to meet on aregular basis.The scriptures are also very clear that wives, you are to focus your energy onmeeting the needs of your husband,The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things ofthe Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is marriedis concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband(1 Cor. 7:34).Jimmy Evans also presents four basic needs of a husband to be met by his wife. Theyare,TheyTheyTheyTheyneedneedneedneedto feel honored and respected by their wives.sexual intimacy.friendship—a wife who enjoys doing fun things together.domestic support—a wife who takes care of the home.4Let’s look briefly at each need.Husbands need to feel honored and respected by their wives.11

King Solomon wrote the following words of wisdom, “It is better to live in acorner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Prov.21:9).Also, “A backbiting tongue of a wife brings forth an angry contenance (in herhusband). It is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than to share ahouse with a disagreeing, quarrelsome, and scolding woman” (Prov. 25:2324, Amp.).And one more, “ And the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping”(Prov. 19:13).Men withdraw from their wives when they nag, belittle, or relate withcontempt or condescension. Men need respect for who they are and whatthey accomplish.Read what Peter wrote,In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so thateven if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without aword by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste andrespectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external--braidingthe hair, and wearing gold jewel

The Ephesians 5 Blueprint The Ephesians 5 model for a marriage is God’s blueprint for success. It reads as follows: submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Sa