WIXLIB

Oneness: Marriage unites a couple in aspecial way; that’s why sexual expression isintended only between a husband and wife.Intimacy, pleasure and joy are a significantpart of the marital union. Familial: Marriage between a man and awoman often brings forth new life—children. Societal: Children do best when raised bytheir married mother and father. Parents raisethe next generation, so a married mom anddad raising healthy children benefits all society. Symbolic: In the Bible, marriage is theprimary picture of our relationship with God. Glorifying God: Following God’s intentionsfor marriage brings glory to Him.If the issue of homosexuality comes up, you canthen explain that it is one distortion of God’s designfor human love. Two men who “marry” are missingsomething—the femininity of a woman. A childraised by two women is deprived of a father. Twomoms can’t be a dad.Other Important IdeasTo Communicate Your children need to hear from you directlythat they may safely talk to you about difficultissues. Don’t assume: Ask questions, listenwell and encourage them to speak freely.How to Talk to Your Children About Homosexuality They’re also watching to see that you love andrespect others, speaking truth courageouslyand gracefully. People are worthy of respect. As followers ofJesus Christ, we don’t bully other people oruse demeaning terms or expressions. You’re now expanding their knowledge ofmale and female differences, why thesematter and how marriage brings the twohalves of humanity together. Not everyone has a Christian worldview, butwe love and respect them anyway.Real-Life ScenarioYou’re in the kitchen on New Year’s Day, makingbreakfast and watching the Rose Parade, a familytradition. Your syrup-faced children are staringat the screen when a float goes by with two menholding hands while a pastor performs theirwedding ceremony. Your children turn to look atyou for a response.Possible ResponsesThese responses depend on the ages of yourchildren, their level of concern and their verbaland abstract ability:7

“We’ve talked about how Godmade marriage to be between aman and a woman. That’s whatthe Bible teaches. But becauseof Adam’s sin, the world is not asit was meant to be. Some men,because of sin in the world, wantto marry other men. Some peopleagree with them, and even changeGod’s design for marriage to allowtwo men to marry.” “You know how we’ve talkedabout different kinds of love,like friendship and marriage?Most people grow up and marrysomeone of the opposite sex.Because of sin in the world, somepeople get off-track. Sometimesmen and women want to marrysomeone like themselves ratherthan the opposite sex.” “Marriage brings together a husband andwife—that’s God’s intention. But this world isnot perfect, and not everyone follows God’sdesign. Some people have changed marriagein our country so two men or two women canmarry each other. The Bible says that’s notgood. Why don’t we pray right now for thesemen to come to Jesus and follow God’s planfor their lives?”How to Talk to Your Children About HomosexualityReal-Life ScenarioYour sixth-grade daughter comes home fromschool. She is very quiet and seems upset. You askwhat’s going on, and finally she blurts out, “Well,I was talking to Olivia at recess and some girlscalled us ‘lezzies.’ What’s a ‘lezzie?’” (Olivia is yourdaughter’s best friend.)Possible Responses First, stay calm, keep cool and pray forwisdom. Then, ask your daughter questions,such as, “What do you think that wordmeans? How did you feel when those girlscalled you names?” After she has a chance todescribe her thoughts and feelings, you mightgive a simple explanation, such as, “That wordis used to attack and belittle people. It’s shortfor ‘lesbian,’ which means a woman who hasromantic attractions toward other women.” “Your friendship with Olivia is good. It waswrong of those girls to bully you and Oliviaand call you names. Most girls your age haveother friends who are girls, and sometimesthey even have a ‘best friend.’ That’s reallygood and healthy. You and Olivia are preciousand valuable to God.” “Words can really hurt, can’t they? Did youknow that Jesus was called all kinds ofnames, too? He knows how you feel and8

wants to comfort you. Let’s pray right now totake those words off you and place them onthe cross. Then, Mom and Dad will bless youby praying good words over you.” “I’m so sorry that happenedto you and your friend. Momand Dad want to protect youas much as possible, so we’llbe talking to the school11about working to keepstudents from hurting otherkids with mean words.” “Because people are made in God’simage and are very precious, it’s wrongfor anyone to call people mean names orbully another person. When we are hurt,it’s important to pray until we can forgivethe person who hurt us. Forgiving someonedoesn’t mean that you don’t hold themaccountable or try to stop them from hurtingyou again, but that you release them fromyour judgment. When you’re ready, let’s talkmore and pray about forgiving those girls.”Sadly, our hyper-sexualized culture is ready tosteal innocence from children. And the rapid risein the visibility of homosexuality makes it all tooeasy for some to cast a shadow on the goodnessand necessity of same-sex friendships. Same-sexHow to Talk to Your Children About Homosexualityfriendships are a vital part of growing up. It’s anintegral part of the developmental process wheregirls identify and connect with other girls, andwhere boys connect and compete with other boys.Your children may hear or seehomosexuality-related words fromneighbors, classmates, televisionor social media. If you hear themusing inappropriate language,this would be the time to explainthat God loves all people andthey are worthy of being treatedkindly, so we don’t use unkind words. Words arepowerful and can hurt people.Ask your kids questions, “Where did you hearthat word? What do you think it means?” Then, youmight have a short, frank discussion about God’sdesign for healthy relationships and marriage. Youcan explain that those words describe things thatgo against God’s design.Some older children, especially those whounderstand human reproduction, may ask aboutthe sexual activity of homosexual men and women.Answering this question is up to your discretion,but we suggest reminding children that when ahusband and wife unite sexually, they form a singlereproductive unit. Their bodies are designed to fit9

together naturally. Same-sex couples can neverform a reproductive whole. You might tactfullyand carefully tell them that homosexual activity isfundamentally different from a marital union.A Word of CautionAs with younger children, wesuggest being careful how youexplain things. Saying, “Beinggay is when two guys like eachother,” is confusing to boys whoare strengthening their internalsense of masculinity. Part of thisinvolves distancing themselvesfrom girls and identifying with andrelating to other boys and men.The same would apply togirls. We suggest you avoidsuch statements as, “Beinghomosexual or lesbian is whentwo girls like each other.” Thistakes what is a normal, healthy developmentalstage—girls liking and connecting with each otheror following older girls as role models—and equatesit with homosexuality.MIDDLE SCHOOL &BEYOND—AGES 13 & UPFraming The IssueDiscuss deeper questions of life with adolescentsand teens: “Who am I and why am I here? Do I havea purpose which God will help me discover? Or is itup to me to create my own meaning for life?”If your kids are at this life stage and you haven’talready taught them the big picture frameworkssuggested previously in this resource, it’s never toolate! The four-part story of humanity, different typesof love and the unique characteristics of marriageare topics you can still discuss with older children.Middle school students and older should know andunderstand these basic truths.But teenagers are also able to deal with moreabstract concepts. So as part of setting theframework for talking about homosexuality, itwould be helpful to talk to your children abouttwo competing worldviews that attempt to definewho we are, why we are here and where we deriveour answers to those questions.The first worldview comes from the Bible andhistoric Judeo-Christian teaching: God designedus and created us for a purpose—to love andHow to Talk to Your Children About Homosexuality10

know Him, to love and know others, and to dogood work in this world. We have intrinsic valueand meaning that comes from being created inGod’s image and likeness. The good work that wedo includes creating and nurturing families.God gives us many gifts—creativity, reason, family,relationships, sexuality, feelings, language andmore. As we grow and connect with God andothers, we grow in these gifts and in our discoveryof who we are. We have meaning and purpose,which we discover and fulfill with God’s help.Our bodies have purposes, too, and when ahusband and wife unite sexually, they form acomplete reproductive system. Their union has thecapacity to bring forth new life. Homosexual unionslack this significant capability.Scripture also teaches that Godgives us the ability to makechoices. But our freedom tomake choices has been damagedand distorted by sin. Sin causesus to want to do wrong. Andultimately, freedom is lost assin takes control. We becomeenslaved by sin and can lose our ability to chooseto do good instead of bad. We are separated fromGod and unable to grow into all we were createdto be. The good news is that Jesus openedthe kingdom of God to all. Because of His life,How to Talk to Your Children About Homosexualitydeath, burial and resurrection, we can become Hischildren, be free from sin and discover our purpose.In the Jewish and Christian view, marriage betweena man and a woman is a gift from God, with familyflowing from the joining together of a husband andwife. Most societies recognize the good of marriagebetween a man and woman and set marriage apartas the best place for sexual expression and creatingfamily. Family is the basic building block of society,nurturing and educating the next generation.On the flip side, the secular worldview says, “Thereis no God,” and “The only real meaning I havein life is what I choose. I don’t have a purpose orultimate end; I can be whatever I want.” In this view,we define ourselves, and many people end updefining themselves by their sexual attractions oractions.In this worldview, there is no larger purposeand nothing is sacred—not sexuality, marriage,family or children. So marriage can be redefinedto be something that it’s never been before: twomen or two women. Likewise, sexual relationshipshave few or no limits.In this non-biblical, human-centered view, sexualactivity is separated from marriage and procreation,and even from being a male-female union.It becomes more about seeking pleasure orself-fulfillment.11

What To Teach And Discuss God created you to know and love Him, toknow and love others and to do good workwith Him in this world.Uncle Mike has come out to the family as gay andis bringing his same-sex spouse to the upcomingfamily get-together. Identity, meaning and purpose come frombeing created and redeemed by God, frombeing in His family.Possible Responses Marriage and family have God-ordainedmeaning, value and purpose—far greaterthan the arbitrary and changing definitionsassigned by society or individuals.Your Thoughts:Real-Life Scenario We treat all people with kindness,love and respect. We live in a world with competingworldviews; the Christian worldviewis in direct conflict with thedominant, secular worldview thatrules much of culture. The world is increasinglyantagonistic toward Christians andGod’s design for sex and sexuality.Our children need to be preparedto be bold and courageous,speaking the truth in love.How to Talk to Your Children About HomosexualityThese depend on the ages of your children,their level of concern and their understanding ofrelationships and sexuality: “Uncle Mike now identifies as gay; he isromantically attracted to other men andembraces this as his identity. He is bringinghis partner to our next family gathering. TheU.S. Supreme Court redefined marriage in2015, and he and his partner were married ina ceremony last month. We still believe Goddesigned marriage and sexual love to bebetween a husband and wife. Even though wedon’t agree with Uncle Mike and his partner,we will treat them with kindness and respect.Please come and talk to me or mom if youhave any questions.” “You know God made us male and femalein His image, and the Bible explains thatGod gave us marriage between man and awoman as a good gift. Well, not everyonefollows God’s plan. Uncle Mike just told us heidentifies as gay, and he wants to follow thosefeelings in his life. He is now married to a man12

and will be bringing his partner to the nextfamily get together. We love Uncle Mike andpray he’ll return to following God’s design formarriage and sexuality.” “We don’t believe that Uncle Mike was borngay or that God made him homosexual.And we don’t know all the factors that haveinfluenced him in that direction. We aregoing to love him and his partner, and we’llpray for them. We disagree with hisdecisions, but that doesn’t meanwe love him any less. It’s hard whensomeone you care about moves in adirection contrary to God’s plan.”WHAT DOES THEBIBLE SAY ABOUTHOMOSEXUALITY?In this short book, Sam Allberrygives clear, concise answers12to questions about the Bibleand same-sex attractions.Joe Dallas respondswith truth13 to those whomisinterpret what Scripturesays about homosexuality.See these – and other usefulresources – at Focus on theFamily’s online store.FIND MORE!14Real-Life ScenarioYour teenage daughter has agood friend, Bradley, who hasjust confided in her that he thinkshe’s gay. She’s come to you withquestions and is looking for adviceand support.Possible ResponsesYour daughter needs to know thatyou are safe to talk to, and thatyou love and care for her. She alsoneeds to know: She can’t carry thisissue alone; it is not her responsibilityto rescue Bradley; you will help herHow to Talk to Your Children About Homosexualityset healthy parameters on her relationships; andyou care for her friend and his well-being.We believe the family is foundational for individualhealth, growth and security. However, whileparents should be the safest people to talkwith about sexual struggles, this is not alwaysthe case. So while we believe, at some point, thisyoung man will need to talk with his parents abouthis homosexual struggles, we don’t suggest yourush out and tell them—or anyone else.Your role in his disclosure depends on yourrelationship with Bradley and his family. Not allparents handle this situation well. You shouldascertain first, by discussing with him, whether hishome situation is one of safety and security. If youare able to, talk with him about how he thinks hisparents will respond and about resources and helpthat are available if they don’t respond well.Depending on your family and Bradley’s, youmight reach out to involve him in some of yourfamily activities, such as dinners, movie nightsor game nights. Dad, especially, should take theinitiative in connecting with Bradley. It’s not goodfor your daughter’s relationship with him to developseparate from and outside of your family. It’sfairly common for guys who struggle with samesex attractions to connect emotionally with girlswhen they also need to build healthy, non-sexualrelationships with other boys and men.13

Here are some ideas for talking with your daughter: “How can we best help you in this situation?What kind of love and support do you needfrom us right now? How are you doing withwhat Bradley shared?”COUNTERING CULTURALCONFUSIONFor older children who ask challengingquestions about homosexuality, we’veposted an article with short answersto some frequently asked questions:“Countering the CulturalConfusion: Your QuestionsAnswered About Homosexuality.”15This resource also has thoughtprovoking discussion questions andlinks to other helpful articles, websitesand books for continued conversation.READ NOW! “You know that we believe Godmade us male and female in Hisimage, and designed marriagefor a husband and wife. We alsoknow that sexual struggles impacta person deeply. How can wecommunicate truth and love toBradley in a helpful way?” “Sweetie, we’re so glad Bradleyfelt safe to talk to you aboutthese difficult issues. That’s aheavy burden for him to carry.We are praying for God to movein Bradley’s life so he will knowGod’s love and follow Jesus. If hewants it, there is good Christiancounseling that can help himunderstand his attractions andrespond to them in a biblical way.Can we pray together for Bradley?” “It’s important that Bradley’s parents know, atsome point, about the issues he’s strugglingwith. If we can help by meeting with him andtalking, we’re willing to do that. We could helphim think through what he wants from hisHow to Talk to Your Children About Homosexualityfamily and how he thinks they might respond.We’d also be willing to be there when he talksto his family. Please let him know we arewilling to do that.”As your family relates to Bradley, and as he isopen to you, it would be good to communicate: You love him no matter what. Love doesn’t mean you agree with everychoice he might make in response to havingsame-sex attractions. His primary identity is as a man created inGod’s image, and if he is a believer, he is achild of God, a follower of Christ. “Being gay”isn’t his core self. It’s important to have non-sexual relationshipswith other Christian guys. Some research16 shows teens that identify as gaydon’t always have the same identity later in life. He can follow God’s design for sexuality,in spite of same-sex attractions.Some teens may ask about the sexual behaviorof homosexual-identified men and women. Ofcourse, answering this question is up to yourdiscretion, but we suggest not going into a lot ofdetail. Keep it short and simple, but honest.Remind your kids that when a husband and wifeunite sexually, they form a single reproductive unit;14

their bodies were made to fit together naturally.Same-sex couples can never form a reproductivewhole. Homosexual activity is fundamentallydifferent from a marital union.something like, “That’s a really good question. Areyou open to hearing other answers? May I findsome resources with a different viewpoint, and let’slook at your article and mine together?”Reliable ResourcesWe want your biblical values—and those of yourchildren—to thrive in today’s culture.Middle and high school students are very techsavvy—connected to both friends and the Internet.Often they’re exposed to viewpoints that mightbe contrary to Christianity and their parents’values. So they may challenge you with questionsor statements:RELIABLE RESOURCESFocus on the Family has additionalresources—including articles,books, websites and downloadablecontent—for understanding andteaching your children aboutmarriage

and Guidance from Focus on the Family,”10 give helpful guidance as you address these sensitive topics. Healthy Sexuality Education — Basic Goals and Guidance from Focus on the Family outh Department b, Licensed Marriage