Transcription
Johnny Panic and the Bible of DreamsA Story by SYLVIA PLATHIb v E R Y d a y fro m n in e to five I sit a t m y desk facin gth e d o o r of th e office a n d ty p e u p o th e r p e o p le ’sd re a m s. N o t j u s t d re a m s . T h a t w o u ld n ’t b ep ra c tic a l e n o u g h for m y bosses. I ty p e u p alsop e o p le ’s d a y tim e c o m p la in ts : tr o u b le w ith m o th e r,tro u b le w ith fa th e r, tr o u b le w ith th e b o ttle , th eb ed , th e h e a d a c h e t h a t b a n g s h o m e a n d b lacks o u tth e sw eet w o rld for n o k n o w n re a so n . N o b o d ycom es to o u r office unless th e y h a v e tro u b les.T ro u b le s t h a t c a n ’t b e p in p o in te d b y W a sse rm a n n so r W ech sler-B ellev u es alo n e.M a y b e a m o u se gets to th in k in g p r e tty e a rly o nh o w th e w h o le w o rld is r u n b y th e se e n o rm o u s feet.W ell, fro m w h e re I sit I fig u re th e w o rld is ru n b yo n e th in g a n d th is o n e th in g o n ly . P a n ic w ith adog-face, d ev il-face, h a g -fa c e , w h o re -fa ce , p a n ic inc a p ita l le tte rs w ith n o face a t all — it’s th e sa m eJ o h n n y P a n ic , a w a k e o r asleep.W h e n p e o p le ask m e w h e re I w o rk , I te ll th e mI ’m a ssista n t to th e s e c re ta ry in o n e of th e o u t p a tie n t d e p a r tm e n ts of th e C linics B u ild in g of th eC ity H o s p ita l. T h is so u n d s so b e -a ll, e n d -a ll th e yseld o m g e t a ro u n d to ask in g m e m o re th a n w h a tI do, a n d w h a t I d o is m a in ly ty p e u p reco rd s. O nm y o w n h o o k th o u g h , a n d c o m p le te ly u n d e r cover,I a m p u rs u in g a v o c a tio n t h a t w o u ld set th esed o c to rs o n th e ir ears. I n th e p riv a c y of m y o n ero o m a p a r tm e n t I call m yself se c re ta ry to n o n eo th e r th a n J o h n n y P a n ic h im self.D re a m b y d r e a m I a m e d u c a tin g m y se lf to b e c o m e th a t r a r e c h a r a c te r , r a r e r , in tr u th , th a n a n ym e m b e r of th e P sy c h o a n a ly tic In s titu te : a d re a mco n n o isse u r. N o t a d re a m -s to p p e r, a d re a m -e x p la in e r, a n e x p lo ite r of d re a m s fo r th e crass p r a c tic a l en d s of h e a lth a n d h a p p in e s s , b u t a n u n so rd idc o lle c to r of d re a m s fo r th em selv es a lo n e . A lo ver ofd re a m s for J o h n n y P a n ic ’s sak e, th e M a k e r of th e mall.T h e re isn ’t a d r e a m I ’ve ty p e d u p in o u r re c o rdbook s th a t I d o n ’t k n o w b y h e a rt. T h e r e isn’t ad re a m I h a v e n ’t c o p ie d o u t a t h o m e in to J o h n n yP a n ic ’s B ib le of D re a m s.T h is is m y re a l callin g .S om e n ig h ts I ta k e th e e le v a to r u p to th e ro o f54of m y a p a r tm e n t b u ild in g . S o m e n ig h ts, a b o u t 3a . m . O v e r th e tre e s a t th e fa r sid e o f th e C o m m o nth e U n ite d F u n d to r c h fla re fla tte n s a n d re c o v e rsu n d e r so m e w itc h y in v isib le p u sh , a n d h e re a n dth e re in th e h u n k s o f sto n e a n d b ric k I see a lig h t.M o st of all, th o u g h , I feel th e c ity sle e p in g . S le e p in gfro m th e riv e r on th e w est to th e o c e a n o n th e e a st,lik e so m e rootless isla n d ro c k a b y in g itself o n n o th in ga t all.I c a n b e tig h t a n d n e rv y as th e to p s trin g o n av io lin , a n d y e t b y th e tim e th e sky b e g in s to b lu eI ’m re a d y fo r sleep. I t ’s th e th o u g h t o f all th o sed re a m e rs a n d w h a t th e y ’re d r e a m in g w e a rs m ed o w n till I sleep th e sleep o f fev er. M o n d a y toF r id a y w h a t d o I d o b u t ty p e u p th o se sa m e d re a m s .S u re, I d o n ’t to u c h a f r a c tio n o f th e m th e c ity o v e r,b u t p a g e b y p a g e , d r e a m b y d r e a m , m y I n ta k e b o o k sfa tte n a n d w eig h d o w n th e b o o k sh e lv e s o f th ec a b in e t in th e n a r r o w p a ssa g e r u n n in g p a r a lle l toth e m a in h a ll, off w h ic h p a ssa g e th e d o o rs to a ll th ed o c to rs ’ little in te rv ie w in g c u b ic le s o p e n .I ’ve g o t a fu n n y h a b i t o f id e n tify in g th e p e o p lew h o c o m e in by th e ir d re a m s . As f a r as I ’m c o n c e rn e d , th e d re a m s sin g le th e m o u t m o re th a na n y C h ris tia n n a m e . T h is o n e g u y , fo r e x a m p le ,w h o w orks fo r a b a ll- b e a r in g c o m p a n y in to w n ,d re a m s e v e ry n ig h t h o w h e ’s ly in g o n h is b a c k w itha g ra in of sa n d o n h is c h e st. B it b y b it th is g r a in o fsa n d grow s b ig g e r a n d b ig g e r till i t ’s b ig as a f a ir sized h o u se a n d h e c a n ’t d ra w b r e a th . A n o th e rfellow I k n o w of h a s h a d a c e r ta in d r e a m e v e r sin ceth e y g a v e h im e th e r a n d c u t o u t his to n sils a n da d e n o id s w h e n h e w a s a k id. I n th is d r e a m h e ’sc a u g h t in th e ro llers o f a c o tto n m ill, fig h tin g fo r h islife. O h , h e ’s n o t a lo n e , a lth o u g h h e th in k s h e is.A lo t of p e o p le th e se d a y s d r e a m th e y ’re b e in g r u no v er o r e a te n b y m a c h in e s . T h e y ’re th e c a g e y o n esw h o w o n ’t go on th e su b w a y o r th e e le v a to rs. C o m in g b a c k fro m m y lu n c h h o u r in th e h o s p ita l cafe-The beginnings of a cult were gathering about theMassachusetts-born poet Sylvia Plath, even before hersuicide, at the age of thirty, in London in 1963. Thisstory was among the works she left behind.
J O H N N Y P A N IC AN D T1IE B I B L E O F DR EA MSte ria I o ften pass th e m , p u ffin g u p th e unsvveptsto n e stairs to o u r office o n th e f o u rth floor. I w o n d e r, n o w a n d th e n , w h a t d re a m s p e o p le h a d befo reb a ll b e a rin g s a n d c o tto n m ills w e re in v e n te d .I ’ve g o t a d r e a m of m y o w n . M y o n e d re a m .A d r e a m of d re a m s.In th is d r e a m th e re ’s a g r e a t h a lf - tr a n s p a re n tla k e s tre tc h in g a w a y in e v e ry d ire c tio n , to o big fo rm e to see th e sh o res of it, if th e re a re a n y shores,a n d I ’m h a n g in g over it lo o k in g d o w n fro m th eglass b e lly o f so m e h e lic o p te r. A t th e b o tto m ofth e la k e — so d e e p I c a n o n ly guess a t th e d a rkm asses m o v in g a n d h e a v in g — a re th e re a l d ra g o n s.T h e ones t h a t w e re a ro u n d b efo re m e n s ta rte d liv in gin cav es a n d co o k in g m e a t o v er fires a n d fig u rin go u t th e w h e e l a n d th e a lp h a b e t. E n o rm o u s isn ’t th ew o rd for th e m ; th e y ’ve g o t m o re w rin k les th a nJ o h n n y P a n ic him self. D re a m a b o u t th ese lo n ge n o u g h , a n d y o u r feet a n d h a n d s sh riv e l a w a y w h e ny o u lo o k a t th e m to o closely; th e su n sh rin k s to th esize o f a n o ra n g e , only c h illie r, a n d y o u ’ve b eenliv in g in R o x b u r y since th e la st Ic e A ge. N o p la c efo r y o u b u t a ro o m p a d d e d soft as th e first ro o my o u k n ew of, w h e re y ou c a n d r e a m a n d float, flo a ta n d d re a m , till a t la st y ou a c tu a lly a re b a c k a m o n gth o se g re a t o rig in a ls a n d th e r e ’s n o p o in t in a n yd re a m s a t all.I t ’s in to th is la k e p e o p le ’s m in d s r u n a t n ig h t,b ro o k s a n d g u tte r-tric k le s to o n e b o rd e rle ss c o m m o n re se rv o ir. I t b ears n o re s e m b la n c e to thosep u re s p a rk lin g b lu e sources o f d r in k in g w a te r th es u b u rb s g u a r d m o re je a lo u s ly th a n th e H o p ed ia m o n d in th e m id d le o f p in e w o o d s a n d b a rb e dfences.I t ’s th e se w a g e fa rm o f th e ages, tra n s p a re n c easide.N o w th e w a te r in this la k e n a tu r a lly stinks a n dsm o k es fro m w h a t d re a m s h a v e b e e n left so g ginga ro u n d in it o v e r th e c e n tu rie s. W h e n y o u th in kh o w m u c h ro o m o n e n ig h t of d re a m p ro p s w o u ldtak e u p for o n e p e rso n in o n e city , a n d th a t citya m ere p in p ric k o n a m a p of th e w o rld , a n d w h enyo u s ta rt m u ltip ly in g th is sp ace by th e p o p u la tio nof th e w o rld , a n d t h a t sp ace b y th e n u m b e r ofn ig h ts th e re h a v e b e e n since th e apes took toc h ip p in g axes o u t of sto n e a n d losing th e ir h a ir,y o u h a v e som e id e a w h a t I m e a n . I ’m n o t th em a th e m a tic a l ty p e : m y h e a d sta rts sp littin g w henI get o n ly as fa r as th e n u m b e r of d re a m s g o ing ond u rin g one n ig h t in th e sta te of M assach u setts.By th is tim e, I a lre a d y see th e su rface of th e lakesw a rm in g w ith snakes, d e a d b o dies p u ffed as blow fish, h u m a n em b ry o s b o b b in g a ro u n d in la b o ra to ryb o ttles like so m a n y u n fin ish e d m essages fro m th eg re a t I A m . I see w h o le sto reh o u ses of h a rd w a re :knives, p a p e r c u tte rs, p istons a n d cogs a n d n u t c ra c k e rs; th e sh in y fro n ts of cars lo o m in g u p , glass ey ed a n d e v il-to o th e d . T h e n th e re ’s th e sp id erm a n a n d th e w eb -fo o ted m a n fro m M ars, a n d th esim p le, lu g u b rio u s vision of a h u m a n face tu rn in gaside forever, in sp ite of rin g s a n d vows, to th e lastlo v er of all.O n e of th e m ost fre q u e n t sh ap es in this la rg estew is so c o m m o n p la c e it seem s silly to m e n tio n it.I t ’s a g ra in of d irt. The w a te r is th ick w ith theseg ra in s. T h e y seep in a m o n g e v e ry th in g else a n dre v o lv e u n d e r som e q u e e r p o w e r of th e ir ow n,o p a q u e , u b iq u ito u s. G all th e w a te r w h a t y o u will,L a k e N ig h tm a re , Bog of M ad n ess, it’s h ere th esleep in g p eo p le lie a n d toss to g e th e r a m o n g th ep ro p s o f th e ir w o rst d re a m s, one g re a t b ro th e rh o o d ,th o u g h e a c h of th e m , w ak in g , th in k s h im self sin g u la r, u tte rly a p a rt.T h is is m y d re a m . Y ou w o n ’t fin d it w ritte n u pin a n y casebook.N ow th e ro u tin e in o u r office is v ery d iffe re n tfro m th e ro u tin e in S kin C linic, for ex a m p le , o r inT u m o r. T h e o th e r clinics h a v e s tro n g sim ilaritiesto e a c h o th e r; n o n e a re like ours. In o u r clinic,tre a tm e n t d o e sn ’t g et p re sc rib e d . I t is invisible.I t goes rig h t on in th o se little cubicles, e a c h w ith itsdesk, its tw o ch airs, its w in d o w , a n d its d o o r w ithth e o p a q u e glass re c ta n g le set in th e w ood. T h e reis a c e rta in s p iritu a l p u rity a b o u t this k in d ofd o c to rin g . I c a n ’t h e lp feeling th e sp ecial privilegeo f m y p o sitio n as assistan t s e c re ta ry in th e A d u ltP sy c h ia tric C linic. M y sense of p rid e is b o rn e o u tb y th e ru d e inv asio n s of o th e r clinics in to o u rcu b icles o n c e rta in d ay s of th e w eek for lack of spaceelsew h ere: o u r b u ild in g is a v ery old one, a n d th efacilities h av e n o t e x p a n d e d w ith th e e x p a n d in gn eeds of th e tim e . O n th ese d ay s of o v e rla p thec o n tra s t b etw e e n us a n d th e o th e r clinics is m ark ed .O n T u e sd a y s a n d T h u rsd a y s, for in sta n c e , w eh a v e lu m b a r p u n c tu re s in o n e of o u r offices in them o rn in g . If th e p ra c tic a l n u rse c h a n c e s to leave55
The Atlantic Monthlyth e d o o r of th e c u b ic le o p e n , as sh e u su a lly does,I c a n g lim p se th e e n d o f th e w h ite c o t a n d th e d irtyyellow -soled b a r e feet of th e p a tie n t stic k in g o u tfro m u n d e r th e sh eet. In sp ite o f m y d istaste a tthis sig h t, I c a n ’t k e e p m y eyes a w a y fro m th eb a re feet, a n d I fin d m y self g la n c in g b a c k fro mm y ty p in g e v e ry few m in u te s to see if th e y are stillth e re , if th e y h a v e c h a n g e d th e ir p o sitio n a t all.Y o u c a n u n d e r s ta n d w h a t a d is tra c tio n th is is inth e m id d le of m y w o rk . I o ften h a v e to r e re a d w h a tI h a v e ty p e d se v e ra l tim es, u n d e r th e p re te n se ofcare fu l p ro o fre a d in g , in o r d e r to m e m o riz e th ed re a m s I h a v e c o p ie d d o w n fro m th e d o c to r ’s voiceo v er th e a u d o g ra p h .N e rv e C lin ic n e x t d o o r, w h ic h te n d s to th egrosser, m o re u n im a g in a tiv e e n d of o u r business,also d istu rb s us in th e m o rn in g s. W e use th e ir officesfor th e r a p y in th e a fte rn o o n , as th e y a r e o n ly am o rn in g c lin ic, b u t to h a v e th e ir p e o p le c ry in g , o rsing in g , o r c h a tte r in g lo u d ly in I ta lia n o r C hinese,as th e y often d o , w ith o u t b re a k for fo u r h ours a ta s tre tc h e v e ry m o rn in g is d is tra c tin g to say th eleast. T h e p a tie n ts d o w n th e r e a re o ften re fe rre d tous if th e ir tro u b le s h a v e n o o ste n sib le basis in th ebody.I n sp ite of su c h in te r r u p tio n s b y o th e r clinics, m yow n w o rk is a d v a n c in g a t a g r e a t ra te . By n o w Ia m fa r b e y o n d c o p y in g o n ly w h a t co m es a fter th ep a tie n t’s sa y in g : “ I h a v e th is d re a m , D o c to r.” I a ma t th e p o in t of r e -c re a tin g d re a m s th a t a r e n o t ev enw ritte n d o w n a t all. D re a m s th a t s h a d o w th e m selves fo rth in th e v a g u e st w a y , b u t a r e th em selvesh id , like a s ta tu e u n d e r re d v e lv e t b e fo re th e g ra n du n v e ilin g .T o illu s tra te . T h is w o m a n c a m e in w ith h e rto n g u e sw ollen a n d stu c k o u t so fa r sh e h a d toleav e a p a r ty sh e w as g iv in g fo r tw e n ty friends o fh e r F r e n c h - C a n a d ia n m o th e r-in -la w a n d b e ru sh e dto o u r e m e rg e n c y w a rd . S h e th o u g h t she d id n ’tw a n t h e r to n g u e to stick o u t, a n d to te ll th e tr u th ,it w as a n e x c e e d in g ly e m b a rra s s in g a ffa ir fo r h e r,b u t she h a te d t h a t F re n c h - C a n a d ia n m o th e r-in -la ww orse th a n pigs, a n d h e r to n g u e w as tru e to h e ro p in io n , e v en if th e re st of h e r w a s n ’t. N o w shed id n ’t la y c la im to a n y d re a m s . I h a v e o n ly th eb a r e facts a b o v e to b e g in w ith , y e t b e h in d th e mI d e te c t th e b u lg e a n d p ro m ise of a d re a m .So I se t m y self to u p ro o tin g th is d r e a m fro m itsc o m fo rta b le p u rc h a s e u n d e r h e r to n g u e .W h a te v e r th e d r e a m I u n e a r th , b y w ork, ta x in gw o rk , a n d e v e n b y a k in d o f p ra y e r, I a m su re tofin d a t h u m b p r in t in th e c o rn e r, a bodiless m id a irC h e sh ire c a t g rin , w h ic h show s th e w h o le w ork to beg o tte n u p b y th e g e n iu s o f J o h n n y P a n ic , a n d h imalo n e. H e ’s sly, h e ’s su b tle , h e ’s s u d d e n as th u n d e r ,b u t h e gives h im se lf a w a y o n ly to o o ften . H e sim p lyc a n ’t resist m e lo d ra m a . M e lo d r a m a o f th e old est,m o st o b v io u s v a rie ty .56I re m e m b e r o n e g u y , a sto c k y fellow in a n a ils tu d d e d b la c k le a th e r ja c k e t, r u n n in g s tr a ig h t in tous fro m a b o x in g m a tc h a t M e c h a n ic s H a ll, J o h n n yP a n ic h o t a t his heels. T h is g u y , g o o d C a th o licth o u g h h e w as, y o u n g a n d u p r ig h t a n d all, h a d o n em e a n fe a r o f d e a th . H e w as a c tu a lly s c a re d b lu eh e ’d go to hell. H e w a s a p ie c e w o rk e r a t aflu o re sc e n t lig h t p la n t. I r e m e m b e r th is d e ta ilb e c a u se I th o u g h t it f u n n y h e s h o u ld w o rk th e re ,h im b e in g so a fra id o f th e d a r k as it tu r n e d o u t.J o h n n y P a n ic in jects a p o e tic e le m e n t in th is b u s i ness y o u d o n ’t o ften fin d else w h e re . A n d fo r t h a th e h a s m y e te rn a l g r a titu d e .I also re m e m b e r q u ite c le a rly th e sc e n a rio of th ed r e a m I h a d w o rk e d o u t fo r th is g u y : a G o th icin te rio r in so m e m o n a s te ry c e lla r, g o in g o n a n d onas fa r as y o u c o u ld see, o n e o f th o se en d le ss p e rs p e c tives b e tw e e n tw o m irro rs , a n d th e p illa rs a n d w allsw ere m a d e o f n o th in g b u t h u m a n skulls a n d b o n e s,a n d in e v e ry n ic h e th e r e w as a b o d y la id o u t, a n dit w as th e H a ll of T im e , w ith th e b o d ie s in th e fo re g ro u n d still w a rm , d isc o lo rin g a n d s ta r tin g to ro tin th e m id d le d is ta n c e , a n d th e b o n e s e m e rg in g ,c le a n as a w h istle, in a k in d o f w h ite fu tu ris tic g lo wa t th e e n d of th e lin e . As I re c a ll, I h a d th e w h o lescen e lig h te d , fo r th e sak e o f a c c u ra c y , n o t w ithc a n d le s, b u t w ith th e ic e -b rig h t flu o re sc e n c e t h a tm ak es th e skin lo o k g re e n a n d a ll th e - p in k a n d re dflushes d e a d b la c k -p u rp le .Y o u ask, h o w d o I k n o w th is w as th e d r e a m o f th eg u y in th e b la c k le a th e r ja c k e t. I d o n ’t k n o w . Io n ly b e liev e this w as his d r e a m , a n d I w o rk a t b e lie fw ith m o re e n e rg y a n d te a rs a n d e n tre a tie s th a n Iw o rk a t re -c re a tin g th e d r e a m itself.M y office, of c o u rse, h a s its lim ita tio n s . T h e la d yw ith h e r to n g u e stu c k o u t, th e g u y fro m M e c h a n ic sH a ll — th ese a re o u r w ild e st ones. T h e p e o p le w h oh a v e re a lly go n e flo a tin g d o w n to w a rd th e b o tto mof th a t b o g g y la k e c o m e in o n ly o n c e , a n d a re th e nre fe rre d to a p la c e m o re p e r m a n e n t th a n o u r office,w h ic h receives th e p u b lic fro m n in e to five, fived a y s a w eek o n ly . E v e n th o se p e o p le w h o a reb a re ly a b le to w a lk a b o u t th e s tre e ts a n d k e e pw o rk in g , w h o a r e n ’t y e t h a lfw a y d o w n in th e la k e ,g e t se n t to th e o u tp a tie n t d e p a r tm e n t a t a n o th e rh o sp ita l sp e c ia liz in g in s e v e re r cases. O r th e y m a ysta y a m o n th o r so in o u r o w n o b s e rv a tio n w a r d inth e c e n tr a l h o s p ita l, w h ic h I ’ve n e v e r seen.I ’ve seen th e s e c re ta ry o f t h a t w a rd , th o u g h .S o m e th in g a b o u t h e r m e re ly sm o k in g a n d d r in k in gh e r coffee in th e c a fe te ria a t th e te n o ’clo ck b r e a kp u t m e o ff so I n e v e r w e n t to sit n e x t to h e r a g a in .S h e h a s a fu n n y n a m e I d o n ’t e v e r q u ite r e m e m b e rc o rre c tly , so m e th in g re a lly o d d , lik e M iss M ille ra v a g e . O n e o f th o se n a m e s t h a t se e m m o re lik ea p u n m ix in g u p M illto w n a n d R a v a g e th a n a n y th in g in th e c ity p h o n e d ire c to ry . B u t n o t so o d d an a m e , a fte r all, if y o u ’ve e v e r r e a d th r o u g h th e
J O H N N Y P A N I C A N D T H E B I B L E O F D RE A M Sp h o n e d ire c to ry , w ith its H y m a n D id d le b o c k e rs a n dS a s p a rilla G re e n le a fs. I r e a d th r o u g h th e p h o n eb o o k , o n ce, n e v e r m in d w h e n , a n d it satisfied ad e e p n e e d in m e to re a liz e h o w m a n y p eo p lea r e n ’t c a lle d S m ith .A n y h o w , th is M iss M ille ra v a g e is a la rg e w o m a n ,n o t fa t, b u t all s tu r d y m uscle a n d ta ll o n to p o f it.S h e w e a rs a g ra y su it o v e r h e r h a r d b u lk th a tre m in d s m e v a g u e ly of som e k in d of u n ifo rm , w ith o u t th e d e ta ils o f c u t h a v in g a n y th in g strik in g lym ilita r y a b o u t th e m . H e r face, h e fty as a b u llo c k ’s,is c o v e re d w ith a r e m a rk a b le n u m b e r of tin ym a c u la e , as if sh e ’d b een ly in g u n d e r w a te r fo r som etim e a n d little a lg a e h a d la tc h e d o n to h e r skin,s m u tc h in g it o v e r w ith to b a c c o -b ro w n s a n d g reens.T h e s e m oles a re n o tic e a b le m a in ly b e c a u se th esk in a r o u n d th e m is so p a llid . I so m e tim e s w o n d e rif M iss M ille ra v a g e has e v e r seen th e w h o leso m elig h t o f d a y . I w o u ld n ’t b e a b it su rp ris e d if sh e’db e e n b r o u g h t u p fro m th e c ra d le w ith th e soleb e n e fit of a rtific ia l lig h tin g .B y rn a , th e se c re ta ry in A lc o h o lic C lin ic ju s tacro ss th e h a ll fro m us, in tr o d u c e d m e to M issM ille ra v a g e w ith th e g a m b it th a t I ’d “ b e e n inE n g la n d to o .”M iss M ille ra v a g e , it tu r n e d o u t, h a d s p e n t th eb e s t y e a rs of h e r life in L o n d o n h o sp ita ls.“ H a d a frie n d ,” sh e b o o m e d in h e r q u e e r, d o g gish basso, n o t fa v o rin g m e w ith a d ire c t look, “ an u rs e a t St. B a r t’s. T r ie d to g e t in to u c h w ith h e ra fte r th e w a r, b u t th e h e a d of th e n u rses h a dc h a n g e d , e v e ry b o d y ’d c h a n g e d , n o b o d y ’d h e a rd ofh e r. S h e m u s t’ve g o n e d o w n w ith th e o ld h e a dn u rse , r u b b is h a n d all, in th e b o m b in g s .” S h efo llo w ed this w ith a la rg e g rin .N o w I ’ve seen m e d ic a l s tu d e n ts c u ttin g u pc a d a v e rs , fo u r stiffs to a c la ssro o m a b o u t as re c o g n iz a b ly h u m a n as M o b y D ick , a n d th e s tu d e n tsp la y in g c a tc h w ith th e d e a d m e n ’s livers. I ’veh e a r d g u y s jo k e a b o u t sew in g a w o m a n u p w ro n ga fte r a d e liv e ry a t th e c h a rity w a rd o f th e L y in g -In .B u t I w o u ld n ’t w a n t to see w h a t M iss M ille ra v a g ew o u ld w rite o ff as th e b ig g e st la u g h of all tim e.N o th a n k s a n d th e n som e. Y o u c o u ld s c ra tc h h e reyes w ith a p in a n d sw e a r y o u ’d s tru c k solidq u a r tz .My boss h a s a sense of h u m o r to o , o n ly it'sg e n tle . G e n e ro u s as S a n ta o n C h ris tm a s E ve.I w o rk fo r a m id d le -a g e d la d y n a m e d M iss T a y lo r w h o is th e h e a d se c re ta ry of th e clin ic a n d hasb e e n sin ce th e c lin ic s ta rte d th ir ty - th r e e y ears ago— th e y e a r of m y b irth , o d d ly e n o u g h . M iss T a y lo rkn o w s e v e ry d o c to r, ev ery p a tie n t, e v e ry o u tm o d e da p p o in tm e n t slip, re fe rra l slip, a n d b illin g p ro c e d u r e th e h o s p ita l h a s ever u se d o r th o u g h t of using.S h e p la n s to stick w ith th e c lin ic u n til sh e ’s fa rm e do u t in th e g re e n p a stu re s o f social se c u rity checks.A w o m a n m o re d e d ic a te d to h e r w o rk I n e v e r saw .S h e ’s th e sa m e w a y a b o u t statistics as I a m a b o u td re a m s: if th e b u ild in g c a u g h t fire she w o u ld th ro we v e ry la st o n e o f th o se books o f statistics to th efire m e n b elo w a t th e serious risk of h e r ow n skin.I g e t a lo n g e x tre m e ly w ell w ith M iss T a y lo r.T h e o n e th in g I n e v e r le t h e r c a tc h m e d o in g isre a d in g th e o ld re c o rd books. I h a v e a c tu a lly verylittle tim e for this. O u r office is b u sie r th a n thesto ck e x c h a n g e w ith th e sta ff of tw en ty -fiv e d o cto rsin a n d o u t, m e d ic a l s tu d e n ts in tra in in g , p a tie n ts,p a tie n ts ’ relativ es, a n d v isitin g officials fro m o th e rclin ics re fe rrin g p a tie n ts to us, so ev en w h en I ’mc o v e rin g th e office a lo n e, d u rin g M iss T a y lo r’scoffee b re a k a n d lu n c h h o u r, I seld o m g et to d ashd o w n m o re th a n a n o te o r tw o.T h is k in d of c a tc h -a s -c a tc h -c a n is n e rv e -ra ck in g ,to say th e least. A lo t of th e b est d re a m e rs a re in th eo ld books, th e d re a m e rs th a t c o m e in to us onlyo n ce o r tw ice fo r e v a lu a tio n befo re th e y ’re sen telsew h ere. F o r c o p y in g o u t th ese d re a m s I n eedtim e , a lo t of tim e. M y c irc u m sta n c e s a re h a rd lyid e a l for th e u n h u r r ie d p u rs u it of m y a rt. T h e re is,of co u rse, a c e rta in d e rrin g -d o in w o rk in g u n d e rsu ch h a z a rd s, b u t I lo n g fo r th e ric h leisu re of th etr u e c o n n o isse u r w h o in d u lg e s his nostrils ab o v eth e b r a n d y sn ifte r fo r a n h o u r before his to n g u ere a c h e s o u t for th e first taste.I fin d m yself a ll to o o ften la te ly im a g in in g w h a t are lie f it w o u ld b e to b rin g a b riefcase in to w ork, bige n o u g h to h o ld o n e o f th o se th ic k , b lue, c lo th b o u n d re c o rd books full of d re a m s. A t M iss T a y lo r’slu n c h tim e , in th e lu ll befo re th e d o c to rs a n d s tu d e n ts c ro w d in to ta k e th e ir a fte rn o o n p a tie n ts, Ic o u ld sim p ly slip o n e of th e books, d a te d te n o rfifteen years b a c k , in to m y briefcase, a n d le a v e th ebriefcase u n d e r m y desk till five o ’clo ck stru ck . O fco u rse, o d d -lo o k in g b u n d le s a re in sp e c te d by th ed o o rm a n of th e C linics B u ild in g , a n d th e h o sp italh as its ow n sta ff of flatfeet to c h e c k u p on th em u ltip le v a rie tie s of th ie v e ry th a t go on, b u t forh e a v e n ’s sake, I ’m n o t th in k in g of m a k in g off w ithty p e w rite rs o r h e ro in . I ’d o n ly b o rro w th e booko v e rn ig h t a n d slip it b a c k o n th e sh elf first th in gth e n e x t d a y befo re a n y b o d y else c a m e in. Still,b e in g c a u g h t ta k in g a book o u t of th e h o sp italw o u ld p ro b a b ly m e a n losing m y jo b a n d all m yso u rc e m a te ria l w ith it.T h is id e a of m u llin g o v e r a re c o rd b o o k in th ep riv a c y a n d c o m fo rt of m y ow n a p a r tm e n t, even ifI h a v e to sta y u p n ig h t a fte r n ig h t fo r th is pu rp o se,a ttra c ts m e so m u c h I b e c o m e m o re a n d m o reim p a tie n t w ith m y u su a l m e th o d of sn a tc h in gm in u te s to look u p d re a m s in M iss T a y lo r’s h a lfh o u rs o u t of th e office.T h e tro u b le is, I c a n n e v e r tell e x a c tly w h en M issT a y lo r w ill c o m e b a c k to th e office. S h e is so con-57
The Atlantic Monthlyscien tio u s a b o u t h e r jo b sh e ’d be likely to c u t h e rh a lf h o u r a t lu n c h s h o rt a n d h e r tw e n ty m in u te s a tcoffee s h o rte r if it w e re n ’t fo r h e r la m e left leg.T h e d is tin c t so u n d of this la m e leg in th e c o rrid o rw a rn s m e of h e r a p p r o a c h in tim e fo r m e to w h ipth e re c o rd b o o k I ’m re a d in g in to m y d ra w e r o u tof sig h t a n d p re te n d to be p u ttin g d o w n th e fin alflo u rish es on a p h o n e m essage, o r so m e such alib i.T h e o n ly c a tc h , as fa r as m y n erv es a re c o n c e rn e d ,is t h a t A m p u te e C lin ic is a r o u n d th e c o rn e r fro mus in th e o p p o site d ire c tio n fro m N e rv e C linic, a n dI ’ve g o tte n re a lly ju m p y d u e to a lo t of false a la rm sw h e re I ’ve m ista k e n so m e p e g le g ’s h itc h in g stepfo r th e ste p of M iss T a y lo r h e rse lf r e tu r n in g e a rlyto th e office.O n th e b la c k e st d a y s w h e n I ’ve scarcely tim eto sq u e e z e o n e d r e a m o u t of th e old b ooks a n d m yc o p y w o rk is n o th in g b u t w e e p y co lleg e so p h o m o resw h o c a n ’t g e t a le a d in Carruno Real, I feel J o h n n yP a n ic tu r n his b ack , sto n y as E v erest, h ig h e r th a nO rio n , a n d th e m o tto of th e g r e a t B ib le o f D ream s,“ P e rfe c t fe a r c a s te th o u t all else,” is ash a n d le m o nw a te r o n m y lips. I ’m a w o rm y h e r m it in a c o u n tryof p riz e pigs so c o r n - h a p p y th e y c a n ’t see th es la u g h te rh o u s e a t th e e n d of th e tra c k . I ’m J e r e m ia h v is io n -b itte n in th e L a n d of C o ck aig n e.W h a t's w orse: d a y by d a y I see th ese psyched o c to rs s tu d y in g to w in J o h n n y P a n ic ’s co n v ertsfro m h im b y hoo k , cro o k , a n d ta lk , talk, talk .T h e se d e e p -e y e d , b u s h -b e a rd e d d re a m -c o lle c to rsw h o p re c e d e d m e in h isto ry , a n d th e ir c o n te m p o r a r y in h e rito rs w ith th e ir w h ite ja c k e ts a n d k n o tty p in e -p a n e le d offices a n d le a th e r co u c h e s, p ra c tic e da n d still p r a c tic e th e ir d r e a m - g a th e r in g fo r w o rld lyen d s: h e a lth a n d m o n e y , m o n e y a n d h e a lth . T obe a tru e m e m b e r of J o h n n y P a n ic ’s c o n g re g a tio no n e m u st fo rg e t th e d r e a m e r a n d r e m e m b e r th ed re a m : th e d r e a m e r is m e re ly a flim sy v eh icle forth e g r e a t D r e a m - M a k e r h im self. T h is they w illn o t do. J o h n n y P a n ic is g o ld in th e bow els, a n dth e y try to ro o t h im o u t b y s p iritu a l sto m a c hp u m p s.T a k e w h a t h a p p e n e d to H a r r y B ilbo. M r. B ilboc a m e in to o u r office w ith th e h a n d o f J o h n n yP a n ic h e a v y as a le a d coffin o n his sh o u ld e r. H eh a d a n in te re s tin g n o tio n a b o u t th e filth in thisw o rld . I fig u re d h im for a p r o m in e n t p a r t inJ o h n n y P a n ic ’s B ible of D re a m s, T h ir d Book ofF e a r, C h a p te r N in e o n D irt, D isease, a n d G e n e ra lD ecay . A frie n d of H a r r y ’s b le w a tr u m p e t in th eBoy S c o u t b a n d w h e n th e y w e re kid s. H a r r yB ilb o ’d also b lo w n o n this frie n d ’s tr u m p e t. Y earsla te r th e frie n d g o t c a n c e r a n d d ied . T h e n , o n ed a y n o t so lo n g ag o , a c a n c e r d o c to r c a m e in toH a r r y ’s h o u se, sa t d o w n in a c h a ir, p a s
A lover of dreams for Johnny Panic’s sake, the Maker of them all. There isn’t a dream I’ve typed up in our record books that I don’t know by heart. There isn’t a . living in Roxbury since the last Ice Age. No place for you but a room padded soft as the first room you knew of, wh
