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For Cambria, whence it all beganCopyright Octopus Publishing Group Ltd 2008All rights reserved.Published in the United States by Crown Publishers, animprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division ofRandom House, Inc., New York.www.crownpublishing.comCROWN and the Crown colophon are registeredtrademarks of Random House, Inc.Originally published in Great Britain by ModsetSecurities Ltd., London, in 1972. Updated andreillustrated editions were published in 1991, 1996,2002, and 2008 by Mitchell Beazley, an imprint ofOctopus Publishing Group Ltd., London. This currentedition was published in Great Britain as The New Joy ofSex.Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataComfort, Alex, 1920–2000.The joy of sex / Alex Comfort, Susan Quilliam.—Rev.ed.Originally published: New York : Crown, 1972; 1stAmerican ed. ofrevision originally published in Great Britain in 2008 byMitchell Beazley.
Includes bibliographical references and index.1. Sex instruction. 2. Sex customs. I. Quilliam,Susan. II. Title.HQ31.C743 2008613.9'6—dc22 2008017531eISBN: 978-0-307-45213-9Commissioning Editor Hannah Barnes-MurphySenior Editor Leanne BryanCopy Editor Jo RichardsonProofreader Salima HiraniArt Director Tim FosterSenior Art Editor Juliette NorsworthyIllustrator Russell FaulknerProduction Manager Peter Huntv3.1
contentsCoverCopyrightTitle Pagepreface by Alex Comfortpreface by Susan Quilliamon gourmet lovemakingingredientstendernessnakedness
women (by her for him)men (by him for ginaclitorismons pubisbreastsnipplesbuttockspenis
elarmpitfeetbig toehairpubic hairhealth
agesex mapsfidelitycompatibilitydesireloveappetizersreal sexfooddancingfemoral intercourseclothed intercoursesafe sex
phone ingbedskissespattes d’araignéefriction rubfeathersaphrodisiacsfantasy
breathingtongue bathblowingbitesl’onanismefightingmain coursespostureshand work for herhand work for himmouth work for hermouth work for himclitoral pleasure
soixante-neufbirth controlhis erectionperformancepenetrationchoreographytrigger pointsmissionary positionmatrimonialvarietyupper handsfrontalinversionX position
flanquettestanding positionsrear entrypostillionageanal intercoursecroupadecuissadekneeling positionsseated positionsturning positionsviennese oystersex and pregnancyplateau phasehis orgasm
hair-trigger troublesaxonuspompoirher orgasmbridgeCATvenus butterflybirdsong at morninglittle deathcome againexcessessimultaneous orgasmquickiesholding back
relaxationafterwardswakingsauces and picklesplaytimejapanese stylehorseindian stylevirginityclothescorsetg-stringshoes
bootsstockingsben-wa ce and firebody paintsskin gloves and thimblesticklersgamesmasks
fetishesequipmentrocking chairswingsjokes and folliesmirrorstrains, boats, planescarsopen airremote controlvoyeurseroticasex shopsles anneaux
inflatorspenis gsropeworkhazardsmerkinsdildoesvibratorspain
disciplinefoursomes and moresomesslow masturbation for himslow masturbation for herjoyresourcessupportindexacknowledgements
preface by AlexComfortI am a physician and humanbiologist for whom the naturalhistory of human sexuality is of asmuch interest as the rest of humannatural history. As with the rest ofhuman natural history, I had noteson it. My wife encouraged me tobring biology into medicine, andmy old medical school had nodecent textbook to teach a humansexuality course.Joy was compiled and, very
importantly, illustrated, just afterthe end of that daft andextraordinarynon-statuteinWestern society, the Sexual O cialSecrets Act. For at least twohundred years, the description, andabove all the depiction, of thismost familiar and domestic groupof activities, and of almosteverything associated with them,had been classi ed. When, in thesixteenth century, Giulio Romanoengraved his weightily classicalpictures showing sixteen ways ofmaking love, and Aretino wrotepoems to go with them, a leadingecclesiastic opined that the artist
deserved to be cruci ed. Thepublic,apparently,thoughtotherwise (“Why”, said Aretino,“should we not look upon thatwhich pleases us most?”) andAretin’s Postures have circulatedsurreptitiously ever since, but evenin 1950s Britain pubic hair had tobe airbrushed out to provide asmooth and featureless surface.Peopletoday,whoneverexperienced the freeze on sexualinformation, won’t appreciate thepropositions of the transformationwhen it ended – it was like rippingdown the Iron Curtain. Myimmediate predecessor in writing
about domestic sex, Dr. low-key,unillustratedbook Love WithoutFear, and even in 1972 there wasstill some remaining doubt aboutwhether Joy would be banned bythe Thought Police.The main aim of “sexualbibliotherapy” (writing books likethis one) was to undo some of themischief caused by the guilt,misinformation,and lackofinformation.Thatkindofreassurance is still needed. I haveasked various people – chie yolder couples – whether The Joy of
Sex told them things they didn’tknow, or reassured them aboutthings they knew and already didor would like to do. I have hadboth answers. One can now readbooks and see pictures devoted tosexual behavior almost withoutlimitation in democratic countries,but it takes more than a fewdecades and a turnover ofgenerations to undo centuries ofmisinformation;andofthismaterial, much is anxious or hostileor over the top. People whoworried, when the book rst cameout, if they did some of the thingsdescribed in it may now worry if
they don’t do all of them. That wecan’t help, nor the fact that thesame people who went to doctorsbecause of sexual fear andinhibitionundertheolddispensation now go complainingof sexual indigestion under thenew.Sexualbehaviorprobablychanges remarkably little over theyears – sexual revolutions andmoral backlashes chie y a ect thedegree of frankness or reticenceabout what people do in private;the main contributor to any sexualrevolution in our own time, insofaras it a ects behavior, has not been
frankness but the advent of reliablecontraception, which makes itpossibletoseparatethereproductive and recreational usesof sexuality. Where unanxiousbooks dealing as accurately aspossible with the range of sexualbehaviors are most valuable is inencouraging the sexually activereader – who both wants to enjoysex and to be responsible about it –and inaidingthe helpingprofessions to avoid causingproblems to their clients. It is onlyrecently, as ethology has replacedpsychoanalytictheory,thatcounselors have come to realize
that sex, besides being a seriousinterpersonal matter, is a deeplyrewarding form of play. Childrenarenotencouraged tobeembarrassed about their play;adults often have been and arestill. So long as play is not hostile,cruel, unhappy, or limiting, theyneed not be.One of the most important usesof play is in expressing a healthyawareness of sexual equality. Thisinvolves letting both sexes taketurns in controlling the game; sexis no longer what men do towomen and women are supposedto enjoy. Sexual interaction is
sometimesalovingfusion,sometimes a situation where eachis a “sex object” – maturity insexualrelationshipsinvolvesbalancing, rather than denying, thepersonal and impersonal aspects ofarousal. Both are essential andbuilt-in to humans. For anyonewho is short on either of theseelements, play is the way to learn:men learn to stop domineering andtrying to perform; women discoverthat they can take control in thegive-and-take of the game ratherthan by nay-saying. If they achievethis, Man and Woman are oneanother’s best friends in the very
sparks they strike from oneanother.Thisbookhaschangedconsiderably since its rst editionand it will be revised again in thefuture as knowledge increases.What will not change is the centralimportanceofunanxious,responsible, and happy sexuality inthe lives of normal people. Forwhat they need – in a culture thatdoesnotlearnskillsandcomparisons in this area of livingby watching – is accurate andunbotheredinformation.Theavailability of this, and publicresistance to the minority of
disturbed people who for so longlimited it, is an excellent test of thedegree of liberty and concern in asociety, re ected in the now-oldinjunction to make love, not war.It is a socially relevant test today.Alex Comfort, M.B., D.Sc., 1991
preface by SusanQuilliamI am a relationships psychologistand sexologist whose lifetime aim,through a variety of expert roles,has been to help people hepublishersof The Joy of Sexapproached me to “reinvent” thebook for the twenty- rst century, itseemed to me the ful llment ofeverything I have been workingfor.
I well remember the originalpublication of Joy, and the awedgiggles with which I and my friendsread, discussed, and then put intopractice its suggestions. So I knowrsthand what over the decadesproved to be true: Joy is anastonishing and inspirational childof its age, born not only out ofsocial but also political changesthat irreversibly altered the sexuallandscape for individuals, couples,and society. Barely a decade beforethe book’s 1972 publication, thecontraceptive pill had, for the rsttime in history, enabled women tohave control over their own
fertility. In its wake cameincreasedfemaleeducation,emancipation, and self-belief, aswell as awhole host ofliberalizations, sexual and social –increasing permissiveness, morefrequentcohabitation,easierdivorce, more available erotica,and gay rights.Joy was not only a product ofthis revolution, it also helpedcreate it. Dr. Alex Comfort’s aimwas to write the rst book thatgave readers accurate knowledgeabout sexuality, and permission touse that knowledge. The text andillustrations were designed to both
reassure the reader that theirsexuality was normal and to o erfurther possibilities with which toexpand their sexual menu. He washugely e ective in his intention –8.5 million copies of The Joy of Sexhave been sold to date and it hasbeen translated into fourteenlanguages. More than that, it was akey in uence on the social changesof the late twentieth century andhas been a byword for sexualvision ever since.Why, then, reinvent? There havealready been content revisions, inthe author’s lifetime and after hisdeath in 2000, the most recent
beingthehighlysuccessfulthirtieth-anniversary edition byAlex’s son Nicholas Comfort. Butthe very changes that Joy itselfwrought in society have meant thatthe book has come to needupdating in a more fundamentalway. This was my task – to recr e a t e The Joy of Sex for thecontemporary world; to do whatAlex Comfort would have done hadhe been writing today.The majority of the text remainsthe same, but substantial additionshave been made. Many of these areinformational; there have beencountless key scienti c discoveries
in recent years in the elds while the advent of sexology – thespecialist study of sexual matters –has resulted in both rigorousacademic research and a morewidespread public awareness of,and skill in, sex.Alongside these informationalupdates, a great deal of refocusinghas been necessary to re ect socialshifts. An intimate relationship is avery di erent animal from what itwas in 1972. It’s now largelyexpected that sex will be part ofevery love partnership, that
bedroom activity will includepractices previously consideredoutrageous,andthatthesepractices will be informed andoften suggested via a new raft oftechnologicaladvances.It’sacknowledged that a woman canlead just as much as a man, both inbed and out of it – one reason whythe publisher chose a woman toreinvent the book. And it is, albeitslowly, now acknowledged that acouple’s sex life lasts well into theirlater years and increases, ratherthan decreases, in quality.Yet along with all these positivedevelopments has come a urry of
problems that weren’t predicted inthe heady days of 1972. Pressure tohave sex; regret that one has hadsex;worrythatoneisn’tsu ciently beautiful to deservesex; worry that one isn’t havingenough sex or enough good sex.And all that is set beside high ratesof pregnancy, abortion, andsexually transmitted infections. Inthe twenty- rst century, as wehastily adapt to a society arguablymore sexualized than any previousone, it’s a wild world out there.All of which is why the manychanges made to Joy have beenunderpinned by what remains the
same – an absolute yet pragmaticoptimism around sexuality and itsplace in our lives. Runningthroughout the original book was arock-solid seam of positivity thatsex is a good thing and that matureadults, given the right informationand inspiration, can be trusted totreat it as such. Despite theheadlines and scare stories, I stilldeeply believe in what AlexComfort proposed – that sex shouldbe and can be a total joy.I have loved reinventing thebook because Alex Comfort’s valuesand aims are also mine. I too wantto present knowledge in an
accessible form. To encouragemature decision-making and o erthe skills and strategies to do it. Toprotestattemptstoenforceinhibitions on human sexuality. Tosee sex as the ultimate in humanplay, but at the same time adevelopmental essential that helpsus grow as people and partners.Above all, to give people not justthe technicalities, the fripperies, orthe “junk food” of sexual literature,but an intelligent, thoughtful, and“gourmet” treatment of the topic.In the end I return to, and repeatin my own voice, Alex Comfort’swords from his rst preface. My
intention and my hope is that thisbook will “bene t the ordinary,sexually active reader – eager toboth enjoy sexuality and to betender and responsible with it.”True in 1972. Just as true today.Susan Quilliam, 2008
i like my body when it is withyourbody. It is so quite new athing.Muscles better and nervesmore.i like your body. i like what it
does,i like its hows. i like to feel thespineof your body and its bones,and the trembling-firm-smooth ness and which iwillagain and again and againkiss, i like kissing this and thatof you,i like, slowly stroking the,shocking fuzzof your electric fur, and whatis-it comesover parting flesh. And eyes
big love-crumbs,and possibly i like the thrillof under me you so quite newe. e. cummings
on gourmetlovemakingAll of us, barring any physicallimitations, are able to dance andsing – after a fashion. This, if youthink about it, summarizes thejusti cation for learning to makelove. Love, in the same way assinging, is something to be taken
spontaneously. On the other hand,the di erence between Pavlovaand the Palais de Danse, or operaand barbershop singing, is muchless than the di erence betweensex as our recent ancestors came toaccept it and sex as it can be.At least we recognize this now(so that instead of worrying if sexis sinful, most people now worrywhethertheyare“gettingsatisfaction” – one can worry aboutanything,giventhedetermination). And there are nowenough books about the basics; weare largely past the point of peopleworrying about the normality,
possibility, and variety of sexualexperience. This book is slightlydi erent, in that there are nowenough people who have thosebasics and want more depth ofunderstanding, solid ideas, andinspiration.To draw a parallel, chef-gradecooking doesn’t happen naturally:it starts at the point where peopleknow how to prepare and enjoyfood, are curious about it andwilling to take trouble preparing it,read recipe hints, and nd they arehelped by one or two techniques.It’s hard to make mayonnaise bytrial and error, for instance.
Gourmet sex, as we de ne it, is thesame – the extra one can get fromcomparing notes, using someimagination, trying way-out ornew experiences, when one alreadyis making satisfying love andwants to go on from there.This book will likely attract foursorts of readers. First, there arethose who don’t fancy it, nd itdisturbing, and would rather staythe way they are – these should putit down, accept our apologies, andstay the way they are. Second,there are those who are with theidea, but don’t like our choice oftechniques – remember, it’s a
menu, not a rulebook.Third, most people will use ournotes as a personal one-couplenotebook from which they mightget ideas. In this respect we havetried to stay wide open. One of theoriginal aims of this book was tocure the notion, born of nondiscussion, that common sex needsare odd or weird; the whole joy ofsex-with-love is that there are norules, so long as you enjoy, and thechoice is practically unlimited. Wehave, however, left out longdiscussion of very specializedsexual preferences; people who likethese know already what they
want to try.The nal group of readers arethe hardy experimentalists, bent ontrying absolutely everything. Theytoo will do best to read this exactlylike a cookbook – except that sex issafer in this respect, betweenlovers, in that you can’t get obeseor atherosclerotic on it, or giveyourself ulcers. The worst you canget,givensensiblesafetyprecautions, is sore, anxious, ordisappointed. However, one needsa steady basic diet of quiet, loving,night-and-morning intercourse tostand this experimentation on,simplybecause,contraryto
popular ideas, the more regular sexa couple has, the higher thedeliberately contrived peaks – justas the more you cook routinely, thebetter and the more reliablebanquets you can stage.One speci c group of readersdeserves special note. If you aredisabled in any way, don’t stopreading. A physical disability is notan obstacle to ful lling sex. In
counseling disabled people, onerepeatedlynds that the realdisabilityisn’t amechanicalproblem but a mistaken idea thatthere is only one “right” – orenjoyable – way to have sex. Thebest approach is probably to gothrough the book with yourpartner, marking o the things youcan do. Then pick somethingappealing that you think you can’tquite do, and see if there is astrategy you can develop together.Talking to other couples where onepartner has a problem similar toyours is another resource.In sum, the people we are
addressing are the adventurous anduninhibited lovers who want tond the limits of their ability toenjoy sex. That means we takesome things for granted – havingintercourse naked and spendingtime over it; being able and willingto make it last, up to a wholeafternoon on occasion; havingprivacy; not being scared of thingslike genital kisses; not beingobsessed with one sexual trick tothe exclusion of all others; and, ofcourse, loving each other.As the title implies, this book isabout love as well as sex: you don’tget high-quality sex on any other
basis – either you love each otherbefore you come to want it, or, ifyou happen to get it, you love eachother because of it, or both. Just asyou can’t cook without heat, youcan’t make love without feedback.By feedback, we mean the rightmixture of stop and go, tough andtender, exertion and a ection. Thiscomes by empathy and long mutualknowledge. Anyone who expects toget this in a rst attempt with astranger is an optimist, or aneurotic – if they do, it’s what usedto be called love at rst sight, andisn’t expendable: “skill,” or variety,is no substitute. Also, one can’t
teach tenderness.The starting point of alllovemaking is close bodily contact;love has been de ned as theharmony of two souls, and thecontact of two epiderms. At thesame time, we might as well planour menu so that we learn to usethe rest of our equipment. Thatincludes our feelings of identity,forcefulness, and so on, and all ofour fantasy needs. Luckily, sexbehavior in humans is enormouslyelastic (it has had to be, or wewouldn’t be here), and also nicelygeared to help us express most ofthe needs that society or our
upbringing have corked up.Elaboration in sex is somethingwe need rather specially and it hasthe advantage that if we reallymake it work, it makes us more,not less, receptive to each other aspeople. This is the answer toanyone who thinks that consciouse ort to increase our sex range is“mechanical” or a substitute forreal human relationship – we maystart that way, but it’s an excellententry to learning that we arepeople and relating to each otheras such. There may be other placeswe can learn to express all ofourselves, and do it mutually, but
there aren’t many.Those are the assumptions onwhich this book is based. Grantedthis, there are two modes of sex –the duet and the solo – and a goodconcert alternates between thetwo. The duet is a cooperativee ort aiming at simultaneousorgasm, or at least one orgasmeach, and complete, untechnicallyplanned release. This, in fact,needs skill, and can be built up
from more calculated “love-play”until doing the right thing for bothof you becomes fully automatic.This is the basic sexual meal.The solo, by contrast, is whenone partner is the player and theother the instrument. The aim ofthe player is to produce results onthe other’s pleasure experience asextensive,unexpected,andgenerally wild as his or her skillallows – to blow them out ofthemselves. The player doesn’t losecontrol, though he or she can getwildlyexcitedbywhatishappening to the other. Theinstrument does lose control – in
fact, with a responsive instrumentand a skillful performer, this is theconcerto situation – and if it endsin an uncontrollable ensemble, somuch the better. All the elements ofmusic and dance are involved –r h y t h m , mountingtension,tantalization,even forcefulness:“I’m like the executioner,” said thelady in the Persian poem, “butwhere he in icts intolerable pain Iwill only make you die ofpleasure.” There is indeed anelement of in iction in the solomode, which is why some loversdislike it and others overdo it, butno major lovemaking is complete
without some solo passages.The antique idea of the womanas passive and the man asperformer used to ensure that hewould show o playing solos onher, and early marriage manualsperpetuated this idea. Today, she isherself the soloist par excellence,whether in getting him excited tostart with, or in controlling himand showing o all her skills. Solorecitals are not, of course,necessarilyseparatefromintercourse. Apart from leadinginto it, there are many coital solos– for the woman astride, forexample–while mutual
masturbation or genital kisses canbe fullyedged duets. Soloresponse can be electrifyinglyextreme in the quietest people.Skilfully handled by someone whodoesn’t stop for yells of murder butdoes know when to stop, a womancan get orgasm after orgasm, and aman can be kept hanging just shortof climax to the limit of humanendurance. The solo-given orgasm,whether from her or from him, isunique – neither bigger nor smallerin either sex than a full duet butdi erent; sharper but not so round.And most people who haveexperienced both like to alternate
them. Trying to say how they di eris a little like describing wine.Di er they do, however, and muchdependsoncultivatingandalternating them.Top-level enjoyment doesn’thave to be varied, it just often is.In fact, being stuck rigidly with onesex technique usually meansanxiety. In this book we have not,for example, focused on coitalpostures to the exclusion of all else.
The common positions are nowfamiliar to most people fromwriting and pictures if not fromtrial – the more extreme ones, as arule, should be spontaneous, butfew of them have markedadvantages. This explains theapparent emphasis in this book onextras – the “sauces and pickles.”That said, individuals who, througha knot in their psyche, are obligedto live on sauce and pickle only areunfortunate in missing the mostsustaining part of the meal –exclusive obsessions in sex are verylikelivingexclusivelyonhorseradish sauce through allergy
to beef; fear of horseradish sauce,however,asindigestible,unnecessary, and immature isanotherhang-up,namelypuritanism.One of the things still missingfrom the essence of sexual freedomis the unashamed ability to use sexa s play. In the past, ideas ofmaturity were nearly as much toblame as old-style moralisms aboutwhat is normal or perverse. We areall immature, and have anxietiesa n d aggressions. Coital play, likedreaming, may be a programmedway of dealing acceptably withthese, just as children express their
fears and aggressions in games.Adults are unfortunately afraid ofplaying games, dressing up, andacting scenes. It makes them selfconscious: something horrid mightget out. In this regard, bed is theplace to play all the games youhave ever wanted to play – ifadults could become less selfconscious about such “immature”needs, we should have fewerdeeply anxious people. If we wereable to transmit the sense of playthat is essential to a full,enterprising,andhealthilyimmature view of sex betweencommitted people, we would be
performing a mitzvah: playfulnessis a part of love that could be amajor contribution to humanhappiness.But still the main dish is loving,un-self-conscious sexual pleasure ofall kinds – long, frequent, varied,ending with both parties satis ed,but not so full they can’t faceanother light course, and anothermeal in a few hours. The pièce derésistance is good old face-to-facematrimonial,thenishing-oposition, with mutual orgasm, andstarting with a full day or night ofordinary tenderness. Other ways ofmaking love are special in various
ways, and the changes of timbreare in nitely varied – complicatedones are for special occasions, orspecial uses like holding o anover-quick male orgasm, or arethings that, like pepper steak, arestunning once a year but notstaples.There are, after all, only two“rules” in good sex, apart from theobvious one of not doing thingsthat are silly, antisocial, or
dangerous. One is: “Don’t doanything you don’t really enjoy,”and the other is: “Find out yourpartner’s needs and don’t balk atthem if you can help it.” In otherwords, a good giving and takingrelationshipdependsonacompromise (so does going to ashow – if you both want the samething, ne; if not, take turns anddon’t let one partner alwaysdictate). This can be easier than itsounds,because unless theirpartner wants something they ndactively o -putting, real lovers geta reward not only from their ownsatisfaction but also from seeing
the other respond and becomesatis ed. Most wives who don’t likeChinesefoodwilleatitoccasionally for the pleasure ofseeing a Sinophile husband enjoyit, and vice versa.Partners who won’t do this overspeci c sex needs are usuallybalking not because they have triedit and it’s a turno(manyexperimental dishes are nicer thanyouexpected),butthroughignorance of the range of humanneeds, plus being scared if theseinclude things like forcefulness,cultivating extragenital sensation,o r role-playing, which previous
socialmythologypretendedweren’t there. Reading a full list ofthe unscheduled accessory sexbehaviors that some normal peoplend helpful might be thought anecessary preliminary to anyextended sexual relationship.Couples should match up theirneeds and preferences (thoughpeople don’tnd these out atonce); you won’t get to some of oursuggestions or understand themuntil you have learned to respond.It’s a mistake to run so long aswalking is such an enchanting andnew experience, and you may behappy pedestrians who match
automatically. Where a rethinkreally helps is at the point whereyou have gotten used to each othersocially (sex needs aren’t the onlyones that need matching upbetween people who live together),and feel that the surface needsrepolishing. If you think that sexualrelations are overrated, the surfacedoes need repolishing, and youhaven’t paid enough attention tothe wider use of your ditional expedient at the pointwhere the surface gets dull is totrade in the relationship and start
all over in an equally uninstructedattempt with someone else, on theochance of getting a bettermatch-up by random choice. This isemotionally wasteful, and youusually repeat the same mistakes;better by far to repolish.As to practicalities, we suggestcouples either read the booktogether or (perhaps even better)readitseparately,markingpassages for the other partner’sattention. This works wonders if –as is often the case – you don’treally talk easily about sexualneeds, or are afraid of soundingtactless.
Finally, if you don’t like therepertoire or if it doesn’t squarewith yours, never mind; the aim ofThe Joy of Sex is to stimulate yourcreative imagination. Sex bookscan only suggest techniques inorder to encourage you toexperiment. You can preface yourown ideas with “this is how weplay it,” and play it your own way.But by that time, when you willhave tried all your own creativesexual fantasies, you won’t needbooks.
ingredients
tenderness
tendernessa constant awareness of what yourpartner is feeling, plus the knowledge ofhow to heighten that feeling, gently,toughly, slowly, or fastThis, in fact, is what the wholebook is about. It doesn’t excludeextremely forceful games (thoughmany people neither need norwant these), but it does excludeclumsiness, heavy-handedness, lackof feedback, spitefulness, and nonrapport generally. Tenderness isshown fully in the way you touch
each other. What it implies at rootis a constant awareness of whatyour partner is feeling, plus theknowledge of how to heighten thatfeeling, gently, toughly, slowly, orfast, and this can only come froman inner state of mind between thetwo of you. No really tender personcan simply turn over and go tosleep afterwards.Many if not most inexperiencedmen, and some women, are justnaturally clumsy – either throughhaste, anxiety, or lack of sensinghow the other sex feels – so don’tgrab breasts, stick ngers into thevagina, bend the penis, or (and this page
Sex instruction. 2. Sex customs. I. Quilliam, Susan. II. Title. HQ31.C743 2008 613.9'6—dc22 2008017531 eISBN: 978--307-45213-9 . bibliotherapy" (writing books like this one) was to undo some of the mischief caused by the guilt, misinformation, and lack of information. That kind of reassurance is still needed. I have
