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Recovery andnetworking:the greatestgifts of allI remember back in August 1991 atthe Las Vegas Convention that therewas a workshop on writing stories forThe NA Way Magazine. Having a typical addicts rationale, I figured that Icould get a few free copies of themagazine. I approached the meeting,sat down, and listened to the editorsay that he was going to try a newconcept called " networking." As heexplained the idea, I felt it was a goodway to let addicts know that theycould submit stories to the magazine.I was very aware that I could write,but always felt that I was unable towrite about my experiences in print.The editor explained that the magazine is a "we" thing, that our grammar does not have to be perfect, andthat the NA Way staff was there tohelp.He showed us what networkers aredoing to help the magazine grow andbecome self-sufficient. I was interested and willing to try this new endeavor. I filled out the questionnaireand thought, " Why not give it ashot?" But the negative side of metold me that I probably wouldn't hearfrom them. However, I remembered6 The N A Way Magazinethat when I was in active addiction,I always gave it a shot. So, I got involved anyway and became a networker.It's a very easy commitment. In thebeginning I felt disappointed thatother addicts weren't as enthused asI was, but I forged on. I was receivingcorrespondence from the editor everymonth and also getting encouragement from him. I would spot potentialstory writers and explain how theycould write a story. Many were surprised to find out that the stories inthe magazine were written by recover-ing addicts like me. I got more involved with networking and I stayedin contact with the magazine staffer.We spoke at least once or twice amonth by telephone. He always encouraged me and stressed my positiveattributes.I felt real good because I knew thatGod had given me an outgoing personality, and He helped me overcomethe fear of talking to people in recovery. This networking gig helped meimmensely as I continued lettingothers know about networking andwriting for The NA Way.newsJANUAq y J99 ----------------.JNA WAY BENEFITS FROMof rn""0ai!or.:.·t.:.Tie p!tl rr:rnct,'NETWORKER'SEFFORTf'. ,,. · ''- n1e!"e3 t:" lo::--,.·- ';rrr\# ;'Jr':"l(;-r;d;" ·; !h: . j ·v (.c nr c.e.::Fr1{."'''UC: -.'".k. r- .,.::. :·;·!'"'' .r:,-r·: "'k!E :·:'l'"'Jf :'Sf? b r; :: : : ;; 6 ·/ ;,;sb 1 ; r, : ::,.,er v :!:.:, ·: V·.r.:vc;.1Oi,:,0crom'.rr·e E! f ·, )").J. .i .E·.,,,JC:C:Ck. t"'K'!V!-? e .,! . fa: . )r-e: v.: C: .!cir}.:V ·v ;-3 t ;z ::::: ; :- !, ;. ,, : ;;0; u. 1c , t;; ··"\i- · -- - ;\. :ea-.:·')[;r. :Vt.;'". r::-.·." tj'!("'. : .,-. .;: :9 :,"· :\'\:J :t··.'-:v:,t:l,, rv.:;c: \:!·./,.·u:r:(J . ,:;:""' ·.fr'C!.!i .,,.\ {J v t r." ."?Cllr.;J{'";.!S n n,. . '-,, :"f'.,, \ rr -. :· ;"":!.W,r ""W s " !.: : s.: .!.' -:.0 f.-! .&S:c::rr .;:;: , r , : ,-;. c - } ; 1 ; f,0"1 " ' . : .fte\. rx,'J;'qi:)!:: T -)b.}·. t.v:Want To Be ANetworker?Call or write theWorld Service Officeand ask for theNA Way department.We'll get you signed up.I started going to area servicemeetings to let others know about networking. In the past year, I have goneto about six conventions to let otherknow about networking. As a resultof this commitment, I have established contacts across the US. WhenI went to the world convention inToronto, I established contacts withaddicts from around the world.I'm very grateful for this commitment, and I'm also grateful to God forhelping me grow. I had a beautifultime at the world convention. I alwaysfelt the presence of God in the meetings and when interacting withothers. I remembered what the magazine editor told me: "Use your positivepersonality and reach out to others,"and that's what I did. It was great toget addresses of addicts from otherparts of the US and the world. Godwilling, I'll try my best to stay intouch with all of them. It also feltgood to meet and talk with addictsfrom other parts of the globe. I met addicts from Canada, England, Ireland,Germany, France, Australia, andJapan. I also went to the international meeting and participated in reciting the Serenity Prayer in sevenlanguages.The main meeting was awesome. Itwas great to see thousands of addictsfrom all over the world in one greatbig circle. This is truly a universaland loving fellowship. I truly owe mylife to NA. I really love the NA wayof life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. No matter what experience Iencounter, I can pick up the phoneand call anywhere in the world. NAhas given me a better way of life andthe tools to learn how to accept thingsas they are and make new friends inrecovery. For that, I am truly grateful.S.R ., New YorkFebruary 1993 7

The rideof my lifeI'm in a car right now headed forthe black hills of South Dakota. Aroad trip for the Labor Day weekend.Today, road trips are different thanthey used to be. I used to take themfor many different reasons, usually toget out of the current situation I wasin. I remember one trip I took, tryingto get away from one particular drug.I moved from Wyoming all the way tothe north slopes of Alaska. I still keptmy one drug but, eventually, the drugI was trying to get away from foundme in the snowy white nothingness ofAlaska.There were the road trips with thesingle purpose of getting and usingand finding ways and means t o getmore, like from Phoenix to San Diego to pick up drugs, a nonstop tripmany times-and I never saw theocean once. The insanity of active addiction makes me grateful for whereI'm at today.This morning was different. I wokeup, made some coffee, read my meditation reading for the day, thenprayed to my HP to please help keepme clean today and for His will to bedone, not mine.I'm on this trip with a couple offriends in recovery. I took in the beau8 The NA Way Magazinetiful scenery along the way, read thelatest NA Way, and had a sense of myHP. Road trips today bring on a wholedifferent meaning.Later: I can't believe the changerecovery has made in my life; it's sodifferent than it used to be. We wentto the shopping mall yesterday. I usedto be so scared of people that I couldbe around them only if! was high. Tcrday I can walk through a place full ofpeople and be comfortable. After supper last night, we played cards. It wasfun-nobody drank or got in a fightover the game. What a difference!This morning I woke up and, in thesplendor of the Black Hills, did mymorning meditation and prayer. Wewent fishing today, and although wedidn't catch many it was neat just doing it. It says in the Basic Text thatwe' ll find new hobbies and activitiesto interest us. I never fished before Igot clean. A couple of years ago I wasintroduced to it and it has become anenjoyable pastime. Another thing Ilike to do is go camping. This programhas released me from my self-imposedwalls and allowed me to be free to live.Last night we had a meeting withall the people who had spent theweekend together. As I shared, tearsof gratitude spilled from my eyesgratitude for my newfound family andfor being able to actually feel and experience life as it happens. As I experienced this weekend, I couldn'thelp but think about how it used tobe and how it's so different today. Justthought I would drop a line and sharemy road trip with you. Thanks to NAand my HP for a new way of life.S.B., Wyoming February 1993 9

A thirstfor truthRecovery has been very good to me.I don't live in a big house and I don'thave new car. I am not living happilyever after in a relationship, and I stillhave a difficult time with feelings.When I say recovery has been good tome, I mean it has been good to me, notto the material world I have been trying to live in all my life.I have learned that I am a spiritualbeing and that I am here to learn andgrow. I have learned that pain is asnecessary to happiness as joy. WhereI used to see black and white, I nowtry to find comfort in the spiritualparadox of balance. Where I used toescape pain and fear, I now find thegrowth that comes from the experience of a full range of emotions.Most of all, I have turned from tryingto make a statement with my life totrying to live my life as a question.10 The NA Way MagazineWhen I say I try to live my life asa question today, I mean that I am beginning to experience enough humility to understand that there are nohuman words for spiritual truths. Ibelieve that the reason we strugglewith the paradoxes so often found inspirituality is that we, as humans, tryto place things so vast as God and loveinto definitions limited by a humanvocabulary.When I look back at my life, I seethat I have always lived in prisons. IfI allow my fear to force me into onlyexperiencing the things I can fullyunderstand, then I have chosen theprison of my own limitations. It iswhen I let go of that which I can understand and reach to somethingmuch larger that I find grace. Today,I strive to let that grace enter everyarea of my life. Today, when I amexperiencing sensations and feelings astonishing. I have found that almostI cannot put into words, I know I am all of my beliefs have come fromfeeling something spiritual. I do not second-hand information, and manysee how we can become so egotistical from some pretty unreliable sources.and self-righteous that we believe I don't think there is anything wronganybody can "know the way" to God, with accepting information fromother people. After all, I can't perHeaven, Nirvana, or whatever.sonally research every piece of inforIt seems to be much easier to use mation I have gathered throughoutthe definitions and beliefs that we my entire life. What I mean by queshave acquired so far in life-or have tioning is to never accept anyoneborrowed from others with virtually else's truth as an absolute truth. Inno personal investigation at all-and many ways society has taught us tobelieve them to be fact than to accept rely on information blindly andthat we may be entirely wrong and without question.I have developed a thirst for truthcontinue a search for a higher truth.How many things can you think of that I will never fully quench in thisthat you believe in, that you really lifetime. However, today I will quesnever questioned beyond the original tion borrowed beliefs as well as beliefsbased on my own experiences and, insource of information?theprocess, achieve what I hope to beRecently, I have found it necessaryadeeperunderstanding and a closerto take an inventory of what I ''berelationship with God.lieve" in. I found the results quiteFebruary 1993 11

think I know for sure what God hasin store. I see all of my beliefs as temporary, and I hope that, through experience and growth, my beliefs willchange-in fact, I am counting on it.I think that process is what I am herefor.What does all of this have to do withre :overy? Well, for me, the point ofrecovery is to develop a close relationship with my Higher Power and maintain it to the best of my ability on adaily basis. If I continue to try to wrapGod or the vast spiritual lessons hemakes available to me into these neatlittle cages of human understanding,I will only experience a fraction of thegrace that is available to me throughthe human experience. I choose not towater down God with the blandnessof a human vocabulary.I will continue to question myEven when I have personally ex- truths and those that people try toperienced something, I may have mis- share with me. I will continue to alinterpreted that information on a low myself to experience those sensaspiritual level. I have found that when tions that have no words. I willI am honest, open-minded, and will- continue to live my life as a questioning, God sometimes seems to reveal and understand that my question hashis will to me. I reach a point where no human answer. In living this quesI must begin doing the footwork so tion and seeking an answer beyondthat I can go in the direction that God human words, I hope to find true lifeseems to want for me. In the program, as a mere expression of the soul andI so often see people follow this that, somehow, the answer I am hereprocess, then get stuck in the "this is to find will come.Yes, recovery has been good to me.God's will for me" syndrome. I see us(myself included) stumble down a Today, my soul is alive!M.A., Oregonpath of self-will with the belief thatwe are doing what God wants.One of my biggest challenges in theThird Step is to discern what I believeGod's will is for me. I still try to stayopen-minded to the distinct possibility that I am entirely wrong. I try tonever let myself get so smart as to12 The NA Way MagazineRememberingFridays.Friday mornings were always theworst. A typical one went like this:It's 8:00 a.m. I haven't slept since Idon't know when. My paycheck isgone. I've broken my promise to myself one more time. I was going tocover the rent, pay the long list of creditors, and buy food. This is not to be.I called my dealer last night after getting off work, and away I went. I'vebeen up all night. The drugs and themoney have long since vanished.I can vividly see myself walking outof the subway station against astream of people going to work. I amliving the complete opposite of a normal life. The bus is always more of thesame. I'm dressed to the nines inclothes suitable for going to a club.Everybody else is dressed to go towork. The sunlight streams into thebus, blinding my poor eyes. They havenot been closed in a day.I crawl into my apartment. The answering machine is flashing with ahundred messages from people looking for me. I review them briefly, thenhit the rewind so I won't feel guiltylistening to them. My cat meowsdesperately for food, having not seenme in over a day. This is one thing Ialways pride myself on. The cat nevergoes hungry, though I do. I wash and,incredibly, get myself to work by 9:30.My boss would always get a gooddeal on Fridays (not!). I would sleep atmy desk-or pass out, I'm not surewhich. The sad thing was, I got awaywith this for years. I had a good job,full of responsibilities Somehow, Iwas able to cover up my using to myemployer, to my friends, to my roommate. The only person who knew thetrue extent of my misery was me.I can remember Fridays so well. Iwanted to cry all day. I had no money,no food, no drugs. The problem was,I'd be too dehydrated, both physically and emotionally, to cry. The despairwas overwhelming.With all good intentions, I wouldvow on Thursday not to use my drugof choice. By Friday, I had used asmuch as I could. How could this be?It made me paranoid. I had auditoryand visual hallucinations. I felt as ifI'd had the crap beaten out of me. Iknew all this would happen, and Istill used. Was I insane? This is whatgot me to my first NA meeting.What prompted me to write waswhat I saw at a meeting last night.A newcomer stood up to announcethat he had ten days clean. He started talking about how good he felt.Then his voice cracked and he started to cry. He said, "How come, if I feelso good, I want to go and stick a needle in my arm? Why do I keep wanting to do it? Why?" I had forgotten allI have related above until I heard himexpress that most basic paradox of addiction. You don't want to use, but youcontinue to use as if controlled by anoutside force.My heart truly went out to thisman. How can I explain that theFebruary 1993 13

program really works? If NA canwork for me, it can work for anyone.This newcomer caused a whole floodof memories to return, things I havelong since forgotten.The readings tell us plainly that"the power of one addict helpinganother is without parallel:' butoftentimes my ego tells me that it isI who helps the newcomer, not theother way around. I now know that ifI forget that part of my First Step,that incredible pain, desperation, andhopelessness, I can forget the rest ofmy program, too.The people who know me knowwhat difficulties I have lived throughin recovery. I have learned some of thelessons of recovery through periods of14 The NA Way Magazinegreat pain, both emotional and physical. My faith in the recovery processwas not necessarily unwavering, butit held on long enough to see myproblems through. I guess that's really what it's all about, just hanging on,'cause this too shall pass.I've found myself thinking that itreally must be a miracle, divine intervention, or whatever you would liketo call it, when one addict stays cleanfor one day. After all, what do addictsdo? They take drugs! It may be a fightfor the rest of my life, but I must saythat I had forgotten how hard it is toget straight and the newcomer fromlast night reminded me that, in thegrand scheme of things, I've reallycome a long way.N.S., Quebecure the sharing we have heard: awoman who speaks about her life andbrings tears to our eyes; someone fromNew York who shares about AIDSand carries a strength and a faithwithout equal; the meeting on relationships in which the speakers giveus so much to think about (and try topractice!); a man who, from his eightMany of us are still finishing din- een years of recovery, conveys suchner, but all of the waiters seem to be warmth, love, and such a limitlessin a hurry to clear the tables. What sense of humor; a man's baby girl,surprises us most is how intent they God's present for his twentieth NAseem to be on taking away our nap- anniversary; an addict's caringkins. Maybe they know more about friendship, such an example on bowthe World Convention of Narcotics to place principles above personaliAnonymous than we do, as this is the ties. And all those we encounteredand all those we met again are allfirst one we are attending.We are four Portuguese NA mem- those we miss so much today."Portugal!" shout out those webers, a little lost in this huge hall atthe Toronto Metro Convention Centre. meet. They probably don't knowThe convention ends tomorrow. After where our country is placed on thethis dinner the chairperson will call map, but who cares? What really matout each country present followed by ters is knowing that, somewhere inthe world, there are other addicts inthe clean-time countdown.These last two days have been sim- recovery and other ways of saying theply overwhelming. What a frenzy! steps.Lots of meetings on topics which don'tThousands of years of recovery. Aseem to end. To go to one meeting you whole experience capable of movinghave to give up going to so many mountains. A faith that knows noothers. Two marathon meetings go limits. More than five thousand adaround the clock in two nearby hotels. dicts are seated tonight in this h

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. THENAWa M A G A Z I N E volume eleven, number two meeting in print Box 9999 Van Nuys, CA 91409 (818) 7 80-3951 The pain of taking control 2 Gifts, both big and small 4