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Arguing betterPractitioner guide

IntroductionWhat is ‘Arguing better’?Arguing better is an online resource designed to help parents manage their stressand communicate with one another in ways that are helpful to their relationship andtheir children.Arguing better aims to:lRaise awareness of impact of stress on relationships and parental conflicton children.lIncrease parents’ capacity to cope with stress.lSupport parents to develop positive communication strategies to dealwith conflict.This guide is for practitioners who work with parents. It will show you how tointroduce parents to the resource and support them as they work through it.Who is this for?Arguing better is for parents who are still in a relationship with their child’s otherparent and who engage in destructive conflict with their partner. It may also bebeneficial to those who have significant risk indicators:lParental conflict that is frequent, hostile, and unresolved.lSignificant environmental stress.lLack of relational skills.The resource combines evidence-based information, activities, animations, andvideo clips specifically designed for this audience. Arguing better works best whenboth parents do it together. It is divided into three sections:1. Understanding stressThis section helps parents understand how stress affects them and theirrelationship. It helps parents to identify sources of stress.2. Coping with stress togetherThis section helps parents to learn ways of coping with stress together andsupporting each other.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 2

Introduction3. Arguing betterArguments can be constructive (helpful) or destructive (harmful). This sectionhelps parents think about how their arguments start, and how they get out ofhand. Most importantly, it will give them the skills to resolve arguments in moreconstructive ways.How to use this guide with parentsThis guide will help you to support parents working through the Arguing betterresource. It is set up to help you work with parents in person and online.We recommend you ask parents to work through the resource in their own time. Itworks best when they do it together. It will take approximately 30 minutes to workthrough the whole thing, or they can do it one section at a time. It follows a linearpathway to help parents progress from knowledge and understanding to skillsdevelopment.We suggest you have a follow-up call with the couple after they have completedSections 1 and 2, and then again after Section 3 to talk about how they got on. Thiswill give you a chance to check progress, assess understanding, and clarify anyquestions.As this resource is continually being evaluated, we ask parents to answer anumber of questions throughout the course. Please encourage them to completethese, and the questions under Getting started so we can find out more about theeffectiveness of this resource.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 3

1Understanding stressSECTION 1Understanding stressPURPOSElTo raise parents’ awareness about the sources of their stress and how thatcan affect their relationship.lTo identify the causes of stress and enhance the couple’s coping skills.Being parents can be stressful and challenging at the best of times but when thereare additional financial and work pressures, physical and mental health issues –and of course the recent pandemic – then arguments can easily get out of hand.Below, you will see the content that the parents will access in Section 1. You willalso see some suggestions and instructions as to how you can follow up with themafter each section.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 4

1Changes for me and usThe balance of stressFacilitator notesOften, focusing on stress is an easier way for parents totalk about what is happening in their relationship, and tointroduce coping strategies.Discuss the couple’s current sources of stress and theircoping resources. Recap on the questions:lHow often do they feel stressed? A couple of timesa week? Every day? What kinds of things can causeyou stress?lWhich ways of coping do you tend to rely on? Whatsort of things can you do and what support do youhave that helps you to cope?lWhat happens when you feel overwhelmed by stress?Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 5

1Changes for me and usHow stress comes aboutFacilitator notesTalk about how stress canbe exacerbated by how weare feeling and the way werespond to it. This helpsparents reframe some oftheir initial thoughts aboutthe source of their stress.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 6

1Changes for me and usMajor events and daily hasslesFacilitator notesThis comic strip shows howdaily hassles can build up ifthey aren’t addressed.Ask the couple if they havebeen able to identify whatadds to their stress on adaily basis. What are thebig life changes they haveexperienced?Emphasise how important itis to talk about the situationand to resolve it before itgets too big.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 7

1Changes for me and usHow stress affects youFacilitator notesFacilitate a conversationusing these two pictures.Ask the couple to identifyhow stress affects them.What are their symptomsand how does that makethem feel?Explain that stress canaffect us physically andmentally. Anxiety, tension,irritability, and tirednesscan all make us shorttempered, which is oftenwhy arguments erupt.Learning to recognise thesesigns can make it easier todeal with stress.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 8

1Changes for me and usInside and outside stressFacilitator notesAssess their understandingof how stress from outsidetheir relationship – such asmoney or in-laws – can spillover into their relationship.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 9

1Changes for me and usStress and relationshipsFacilitator notesStress spills over into therelationships in four main ways –time, communication, health, andbehaviour. Have they been able toidentify the ways stress spills overinto their relationship?Emphasise the main messagefrom the video clip. Darren’s storyshows how easy it is to rely onalcohol or other unhealthy waysof coping with stress. Can thecouple talk about their stresswith each other?Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 10

1Changes for me and usWhere stress comes fromFacilitator notesAsk the couple if theyhave identified where theirstress comes from. If theyhave both done a stresstarget, are they the sameor different? What doesthis mean to them andwhat they might do aboutit? Encourage the coupleto reflect on how and whythey become stressed.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 11

1Changes for me and usEnd of section 1: Key messagesFacilitator notesRecap on what the couple have learned so far. Emphasise thekey messages of this section:lStress can affect you, your relationship, and your children.lStress happens when DEMANDS outweigh RESOURCES.lYou may react differently to stress, depending on how youfeel on the day.lStress from DAILY HASSLES can be just as hard to cope withas stress from MAJOR EVENTS.lStress can affect you through your THOUGHTS, FEELINGS,and ACTIONS.lStress can come from INSIDE or OUTSIDE your relationship.lStress from outside can spill over into your relationship.lSome ways of coping can make stress worse, not better.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 12

2Coping with stress togetherSECTION 2Coping with stress togetherPURPOSEThis section is about coping with stress together and some of the ways tosupport each other. It also introduces the five rules for talking about stress.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 13

2Coping with stress togetherHow ‘my stress’ becomes ‘our stress’Facilitator notesEncourage parents to thinkof their stress as sharedstress – something theydeal with together ratherthan from an individualperspective. This is aneffective way of improvingrelationship quality andstability.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 14

2Coping with stress togetherRecognising stressHow do you know when your partner is stressed? How does your partner knowwhen you are stressed?We all show our stress in different ways. One person might cry or get angry, whileanother might be quieter and more withdrawn. Knowing how to recognise this is thefirst step to being able to offer support.We might show stress VERBALLY, by talking about it.We might show it NON-VERBALLY, through our body language and facialexpressions.In the next activity, we’ll ask you to reflect on the different ways that you and yourpartner let each other know when you’re feeling stressed.Facilitator notesPartners will often use avariety of ways to let theirpartner know they arestressed – not all of themhelpful. This activity shouldhelp the couple identifytheir own stress behavioursand reflect on whetheror not they are helpful incommunicating stress totheir partner.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 15

2Coping with stress togetherTalking about stressFacilitator notesPartners will often use avariety of ways to let theirpartner know they arestressed – not all of themhelpful. This activity shouldhelp the couple identifytheir own stress behavioursand reflect on whetheror not they are helpful incommunicating stress totheir partner.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 16

2Coping with stress togetherFive rules for talking about stressFacilitator notesRecap on the learning from the clip and revisitthe rules for communicating stress:1. Stick to the facts2. Say how you feel3. Really listen4. Reflect back5. Ask for supportIf you think the couple are having difficultywith this, there is an additional activity you canuse to help develop the use of ‘I’ statements.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 17

2Coping with stress togetherAdditional activity 1 – ‘I’ statementsEncourage parents to try using ‘I’ statements, focusing on their feelings rather thanusing ‘you’ statements that can come across as an accusation of blame. Using an ‘I’statement helps a person become assertive without making any accusations.‘I feel ’‘When you ’‘Because ’‘What I need is ’It may feel very stange for parents to approach their conversations in this way butwith practice it can really help.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 18

2Coping with stress togetherSupporting each other– practical and emotional supportFacilitator notesAsk the couple if they were able to see the difference when Jasonoffered emotional support to Ada. Could they identify the steps Jasontook to understand Ada’s point of view? Talk about how Jason and Adawere able to sort things out together – a shared responseFind out if the couple have had an opportunity to offer emotional aswell as practical support. If they have found this difficult, there is anadditional activity you can use to help them improve their listening skills.Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 19

2Coping with stress togetherAdditional activity 2 – The funnel methodIf the couple needs some extra help in offering each other emotional support, thisadditional activity might help.Ask the couple to tell you about a recent time they felt stressed, focusing on:1. The problem – stating the facts.2. Emotions and thoughts – both in the moment (angry, unsure of what to do) andthe deeper feelings (ashamed, anxious, sad).3. Personal theme – why did it bother me so much?This is the ‘funnel method’ of offering emotional support. You will be modellingrelational skills – empathy, understanding, and acknowledging the other person’sfeelings.e.g. ‘I can see why that might make you feel scared/angry/sad.’Arguing better: practitioner guide (August 2021)page 20