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oblivion.The mind and body are marvelousmechanisms, for mine endured this agonytwo more years. Sometimes I stole frommy wife's slender purse when themorning terror and madness were on me.Again I swayed dizzily before an openwindow, or the medicine cabinet wherethere was poison, cursing myself for aweakling. There were flights from city toAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 35 of 703

country and back, as my wife and I soughtescape. Then came the night when thephysical and mental torture was so hellishI feared I would burst through mywindow, sash and all. Somehow Imanaged to drag my mattress to a lowerfloor, lest I suddenly leap. A doctor camewith[page 7] a heavy sedative. Next dayfound me drinking both gin and sedative.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 36 of 703

This combination soon landed me on therocks. People feared for my sanity. So didI. I could eat little or nothing whendrinking, and I was forty pounds underweight.My brother-in-law is a physician, andthrough his kindness and that of mymother I was placed in anationally-known hospital for the mentaland physical rehabilitation of alcoholics.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 37 of 703

Under the so-called belladonna treatmentmy brain cleared. Hydrotherapy and mildexercise helped much. Best of all, I met akind doctor who explained that thoughcertainly selfish and foolish, I had beenseriously ill, bodily and mentally.It relieved me somewhat to learn that inalcoholics the will is amazingly weakenedwhen it comes to combating liquor,though it often remains strong in otherAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 38 of 703

respects. My incredible behavior in theface of a desperate desire to stop wasexplained. Understanding myself now, Ifared forth in high hope. For three forfour months the goose hung high. I wentto town regularly and even made a littlemoney. Surely this was the answer self-knowledge.But it was not, for the frightful day camewhen I drank once more. The curve of myAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 39 of 703

declining moral and bodily health fell offlike a ski-jump. After a time I returned tothe hospital. This was the finish, thecurtain, it seemed to me. My weary anddespairing wife was informed that itwould all end with heart failure duringdelirium tremens, or I would develop awet brain, perhaps within a year. Shewould soon have to give me over to theundertaker or the asylum.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 40 of 703

They did not need to tell me. I knew, andalmost welcomed the idea. It was adevastating blow to my[page 8] pride. I, who had thought so wellof myself and my abilities, of my capacityto surmount obstacles, was cornered atlast. Now I was to plunge into the dark,joining that endless procession of sotswho had gone on before. I thought of mypoor wife. There had been muchAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 41 of 703

happiness after all. What would I not giveto make amends. But that was over now.No words can tell of the loneliness anddespair I found in that bitter morass ofself-pity. Quicksand stretched around mein all directions. I had met my match. Ihad been overwhelmed. Alcohol was mymaster.Trembling, I stepped from the hospital aAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 42 of 703

broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit.Then came the insidious insanity of thatfirst drink, and on Armistice Day 1934, Iwas off again. Everyone became resignedto the certainty that I would have to beshut up somewhere, or would stumblealong to a miserable end. How dark it isbefore the dawn! In reality that was thebeginning of my last debauch. I was soonto be catapulted into what I like to callthe fourth dimension of existence. I wasAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 43 of 703

to know happiness, peace, andusefulness, in a way of life that isincredibly more wonderful as timepasses.Near the end of that bleak November, Isat drinking in my kitchen. With a certainsatisfaction I reflected there was enoughgin concealed about the house to carryme through that night and the next day.My wife was at work. I wondered whetherAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 44 of 703

I dared hide a full bottle of gin near thehead of our bed. I would need it beforedaylight.My musing was interrupted by thetelephone. The cheery voice of an oldschool friend asked if he might[page 9] come over. He was sober. It wasyears since I could remember his comingto New York in that condition. I wasAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 45 of 703

amazed. Rumor had it that he had beencommitted for alcoholic insanity. Iwondered how he had escaped. Of coursehe would have dinner, and then I coulddrink openly with him. Unmindful of hiswelfare, I thought only of recapturing thespirit of other days. There was that timewe had chartered an airplane to completea jag! His coming was an oasis in thisdreary desert of futility. The very thing an oasis! Drinkers are like that.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 46 of 703

The door opened and he stood there,fresh-skinned and glowing. There wassomething about his eyes. He wasinexplicably different. What hadhappened?I pushed a drink across the table. Herefused it. Disappointed but curious, Iwondered what had got into the fellow.He wasn't himself.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 47 of 703

"Come, what's this all about?" I queried.He looked straight at me. Simply, butsmilingly, he said, "I've got religion."I was aghast. So that was it - last summeran alcoholic crackpot; now, I suspected, alittle cracked about religion. He had thatstarry-eyed look. Yes, the old boy was onfire all right. But bless his heart, let himAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 48 of 703

rant! Besides, my gin would last longerthan his preaching.But he did no ranting. In a matter of factway he told how two men had appearedin court, persuading the judge to suspendhis commitment. They had told of asimple religious idea and a practicalprogram of action. That was two monthsago and the result was self-evident. Itworked!Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 49 of 703

He had come to pass his experience alongto me - if[page 10] I cared to have it. I wasshocked, but interested. Certainly I wasinterested. I had to be, for I washopeless.He talked for hours. Childhood memoriesrose before me. I could almost hear theAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 50 of 703

sound of the preacher's voice as I sat, onstill Sundays, way over there on thehillside; there was that profferedtemperance pledge I never signed; mygrandfather's good natured contempt ofsome church folk and their doings; hisinsistence that the spheres really hadtheir music; but his denial of thepreacher's right to tell him how he mustlisten; his fearlessness as he spoke ofthese things just before he died; theseAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 51 of 703

recollections welled up from the past.They made me swallow hard.That war-time day in old WinchesterCathedral came back again.I had always believed in a Power greaterthan myself. I had often pondered thesethings. I was not an atheist. Few peoplereally are, for that means blind faith inthe strange proposition that this universeAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 52 of 703

originated in a cipher and aimlesslyrushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes,the chemists, the astronomers, even theevolutionists, suggested vast laws andforces at work. Despite contraryindications, I had little doubt that amighty purpose and rhythm underlay all.How could there be so much of preciseand immutable law, and no intelligence? Isimply had to believe in a Spirit of theUniverse, who knew neither time norAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 53 of 703

limitation. But that was as far as I hadgone.With ministers, and the world's religions,I parted right there. When they talked ofa God personal to me, who was love,superhuman strength and direction, Ibecame irritated and my mind snappedshut against such a theory.[page 11] To Christ I conceded theAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 54 of 703

certainty of a great man, not too closelyfollowed by those who claimed Him. Hismoral teaching - most excellent. Formyself, I had adopted those parts whichseemed convenient and not too difficult;the rest I disregarded.The wars which had been fought, theburnings and chicanery that religiousdispute had facilitated, made me sick. Ihonestly doubted whether, on balance,Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 55 of 703

the religions of mankind had done anygood. Judging from what I had seen inEurope and since, the power of God inhuman affairs was negligible, theBrotherhood of Man a grim jest. If therewas a Devil, he seemed the BossUniversal, and he certainly had me.But my friend sat before me, and hemade the point-blank declaration thatGod had done for him what he could notAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 56 of 703

do for himself. His human will had failed.Doctors had pronounced him incurable.Society was about to lock him up. Likemyself, he had admitted completedefeat. Then he had, in effect, beenraised from the dead, suddenly takenfrom the scrap heap to a level of lifebetter than the best he had ever known!Had this power originated in him?Obviously it had not. There had been noAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 57 of 703

more power in him than there was in meat the minute; and this was none at all.That floored me. It began to look asthough religious people were right afterall. Here was something at work in ahuman heart which had done theimpossible. My ideas about miracles weredrastically revised right then. Never mindthe musty past; here sat a miracledirectly across the kitchen table. HeAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 58 of 703

shouted great tidings.I saw that my friend was much more thaninwardly[page 12] reorganized. He was on adifferent footing. His roots grasped a newsoil.Despite the living example of my friendthere remained in me the vestiges of myAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 59 of 703

old prejudice. The word God still arouseda certain antipathy. When the thoughtwas expressed that there might be a Godpersonal to me this feeling wasintensified. I didn't like the idea. I couldgo for such conceptions as CreativeIntelligence, Universal Mind or Spirit ofNature but I resisted the thought of aCzar of the Heavens, however loving Hissway might be. I have since talked withscores of men who felt the same way.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 60 of 703

My friend suggested what then seemed anovel idea. He said, "Why don't youchoose your own conception of God?"That statement hit me hard. It melted theicy intellectual mountain in whoseshadow I had lived and shivered manyyears. I stood in the sunlight at last.It was only a matter of being willing toAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 61 of 703

believe in a Power greater than myself.Nothing more was required of me tomake my beginning. I saw that growthcould start from that point. Upon afoundation of complete willingness Imight build what I saw in my friend.Would I have it? Of course I would!Thus was I convinced that God isconcerned with us humans when we wantHim enough. At long last I saw, I felt, IAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 62 of 703

believed. Scales of pride and prejudicefell from my eyes. A new world came intoview.The real significance of my experience inthe Cathedral burst upon me. For a briefmoment, I had needed and wanted God.There had been a humble willingness tohave Him with me - and He came. Butsoon the sense of His presence had beenblotted out byAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 63 of 703

[page 13] worldly clamors, mostly thosewithin myself. And so it had been eversince. How blind I had been.At the hospital I was separated fromalcohol for the last time. Treatmentseemed wise, for I showed signs ofdelirium tremens.There I humbly offered myself to God, asAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 64 of 703

I then understood Him, to do with me asHe would. I placed myself unreservedlyunder His care and direction. I admittedfor the first time that of myself I wasnothing; that without Him I was lost. Iruthlessly faced my sins and becamewilling to have my new-found Friend takethem away, root and branch. I have nothad a drink since.My schoolmate visited me, and I fullyAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 65 of 703

acquainted him with my problems anddeficiencies. We made a list of people Ihad hurt or toward whom I feltresentment. I expressed my entirewillingness to approach these individuals,admitting my wrong. Never was I to becritical of them. I was to right all suchmatters to the utmost of my ability.I was to test my thinking by the newGod-consciousness within. Common senseAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 66 of 703

would thus become uncommon sense. Iwas to sit quietly when in doubt, askingonly for direction and strength to meetmy problems as He would have me. Neverwas I to pray for myself, except as myrequests bore on my usefulness to others.Then only might I expect to receive. Butthat would be in great measure.My friend promised when these thingswere done I would enter upon a newAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 67 of 703

relationship with my Creator; that I wouldhave the elements of a way of livingwhich answered all my problems. Beliefin the power of God, plus enoughwillingness, honesty and humility[page 14] to establish and maintain thenew order of things, were the essentialrequirements.Simple, but not easy; a price had to beAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 68 of 703

paid. It meant destruction ofself-centeredness. I must turn in allthings to the Father of Light who presidesover us all.These were revolutionary and drasticproposals, but the moment I fullyaccepted them, the effect was electric.There was a sense of victory, followed bysuch a peace and serenity as I had neverknown. There was utter confidence. I feltAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 69 of 703

lifted up, as though the great clean windof a mountain top blew through andthrough. God comes to most mengradually, but His impact on me wassudden and profound.For a moment I was alarmed, and calledmy friend, the doctor, to ask if I werestill sane. He listened in wonder as Italked.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 70 of 703

Finally he shook his head saying,"Something has happened to you I don'tunderstand. But you had better hang onto it. Anything is better than the way youwere." The good doctor now sees manymen who have such experiences. Heknows that they are real.While I lay in the hospital the thoughtcame that there were thousands ofhopeless alcoholics who might be glad toAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 71 of 703

have what had been so freely given me.Perhaps I could help some of them. Theyin turn might work with others.My friend had emphasized the absolutenecessity of demonstrating theseprinciples in all my affairs. Particularlywas it imperative to work with others ashe had worked with me. Faith withoutworks was dead, he said. And howappallingly true for the alcoholic! For ifAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 72 of 703

an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlargehis[page 15] spiritual life through work andself-sacrifice for others, he could notsurvive the certain trials and low spotsahead. If he did not work, he wouldsurely drink again, and if he drank, hewould surely die. Then faith would bedead indeed. With us it is just like that.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 73 of 703

My wife and I abandoned ourselves withenthusiasm to the idea of helping otheralcoholics to a solution of their problems.It was fortunate, for my old businessassociates remained skeptical for a yearand a half, during which I found littlework. I was not too well at the time, andwas plagued by waves of self-pity andresentment. This sometimes nearly droveme back to drink, but I soon found thatwhen all other measures failed, workAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 74 of 703

with another alcoholic would save theday. Many times I have gone to my oldhospital in despair. On talking to a manthere, I would be amazingly lifted up andset on my feet. It is a design for livingthat works in rough going.We commenced to make many fastfriends and a fellowship has grown upamong us of which it is a wonderful thingto feel a part. The joy of living we reallyAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 75 of 703

have, even under pressure and difficulty.I have seen hundreds of families set theirfeet in the path that really goessomewhere; have seen the mostimpossible domestic situations righted;feuds and bitterness of all sorts wipedout. I have seen men come out of asylumsand resume a vital place in the lives oftheir families and communities. Businessand professional men have regained theirstanding. There is scarcely any form ofAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 76 of 703

trouble and misery which has not beenovercome among us. In one western cityand its environs there are one thousandof us and our families. We meetfrequently so that newcomers may findthe fellowship[page 16] they seek. At these informalgatherings one may often see from 50 to200 persons. We are growing in numbersand power.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 77 of 703

An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovelycreature. Our struggles with them arevariously strenuous, comic, and tragic.One poor chap committed suicide in myhome. He could not, or would not, seeour way of life.There is, however a vast amount of funabout it all. I suppose some would beshocked at our seeming worldliness andAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 78 of 703

levity. But just underneath there isdeadly earnestness. Faith has to worktwenty-four hours a day in and throughus, or we perish.Most of us feel we need look no furtherfor Utopia. We have it with us right hereand now. Each day my friend's simple talkin our kitchen multiplies itself in awidening circle of peace on earth andgood will to men.Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 79 of 703

[Page 17] Chapter TwoTHERE IS A SOLUTIONWe, of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, knowthousands of men and women who wereonce just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly allhave recovered. They have solved thedrink problem.We are average Americans. All sections ofAlcoholics Anonymous Screen 80 of 703

this country and many of its occupationsare represented, as well as manypolitical, economic, social, and religiousbackgrounds. We are people whonormally would not mix. But there existsamong us a fellowship, a friendliness, andan understanding

A.A., Alcoholics Anonymous and The Big Book are registered trademarks of A.A. World Services, Inc. I don't represent Alcoholics Anonymous. This ebook is not a product of Alcoholics Anonymous. I make no money from this ebook. Alcoholics Anonymous Screen 8 of 703File Size: 1MBPage Count: 703