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15101520253035SANTA: (ENTERS LEFT, jolly as ever.) Ho ho ho! I see we have a verylively discussion going on here. (REPORTERS get quiet at this.)SECRETARY: Yes, we’re just wrapping up the press conference, Chief.SANTA: Fine, that’s fine.REPORTER FOUR: Wrapping up nothing. They were all on my backbecause I asked one simple question.REPORTER TWO: Simple, is right. From a simple mind!REPORTER FOUR: Hey, I got a right.SANTA: (Squints.) Robertson? Is that you, Robertson?REPORTER FOUR: (Meekly.) Yes, sir.SANTA: Say, whatever happened to that blue cat? (REPORTERS laughat this. He turns to the SECRETARY.) Have you by any chance seenMrs. Claus?SECRETARY: No, sir.SANTA: Oh, I’m sure she’s around here somewhere.SECRETARY: I’m sure she is. Can I leave, please?SANTA: Wait, didn’t you tell them about our little surprise? (ToREPORTERS.) Now, if you’ll all adjourn to the next room with me,we have a very nice buffet set up (Rubs his hands together inglee.) with lots of Spam!SECRETARY: Good luck, Chief. (Looks at the REPORTERS.) I’d just assoon not watch them eat.REPORTERS: Heeeey! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene OneScene Two“Who Takes Care of Santa’s Reindeer?”LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST.HOST: Welcome back to The Santa Claus Chronicles, live from theNorth Pole. That press conference really didn’t end as well aswe could have hoped, I suppose. However, while we’re on thesubject of Santa’s reindeer, now would be a good time to seejust who takes care of them. Santa and Mrs. Claus themselveshandpicked this team of elves, and they take very good care ofSanta’s reindeer. And, wow, believe it or not, we’re just in time tosee one of their drills. And, of course, to have a proper drill, youneed a drill sergeant. (LIGHTS OUT on HOST, who EXITS RIGHT.LIGHTS UP CENTER on EENY, MEENY, MINEY and SOL as they chatamong themselves.)EENY: I say let’s all just agree with whatever he says.MEENY: That’s what I think. No need to get him angry at us this late.5For preview only

15101520253035MINEY: We’ll just watch what we say.EENY: Exactly. All of us. (The three turn and stare at SOL.)SOL: What? Why’re you all staring at me?EENY: For the same reason when somebody talks about what a brightday it is, we all look at the sun.SOL: (Smiles.) Oh, so you’re saying I’m bright?MEENY: (To OTHERS.) Why don’t we just wrap him up and drop himdown a chimney?SARGE: (From OFF.) ’Tenshun! (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a clipboard. Heis dressed as the other elves except he also has sergeant’s stripeson his sleeves. The ELVES line up.) Awright, awright, awright! Let’sstraighten up that line. (Stares daggers at them as he slowly walksdown the line, inspecting his “troops.” He stops at MEENY and getsin his face.) I want to see a point on those shoes, mister!MEENY: Yessir! I’ll get ’em in the pencil sharpener right away!SARGE: See that you do. (At far end of the line now. He reads off hisclipboard. As he calls out their names they each step forward toanswer, then step back in line.) Roll call. Eeny!EENY: Here.SARGE: Meeny!MEENY: Here.SARGE: Miney!MINEY: Here.SARGE: Sol!SOL: Yo.SARGE: (Lowers the clipboard.) Don’t say “yo”! (The OTHER ELVES rolltheir eyes.) How many times do I have to tell you?! Say “here.”SOL: Yes, sir, I’m here.SARGE: Right.SOL: Well, I mean I’m here now.SARGE: What?SOL: I mean, when I was here, I was really—(Steps forward again.)—Iwas really here. (Points behind himself.) Not there, when you toldme to say here.SARGE: That’s just a word—EENY: Just answer the sergeant. You don’t have to be literal.MEENY: Whether you’re here or there, you say here.SOL: What if I’m there?SARGE: Never mind.6For preview only

1510152025303540SOL: I can’t really say “here” if I’m not here but there.MINEY: But wherever you are is here. You can’t be there and here atthe same time.EENY: Hear hear!SOL: You’re here twice?EENY: I said, “Hear hear.” That means I’m agreeing with you!SOL: So I was right?SARGE: Elves!MEENY: He didn’t say that!SOL: So it doesn’t matter?MINEY: Well, that depends if you’re here.SARGE: Knock it off!MEENY: (After a beat.) That’s neither here nor there. (The OTHERELVES laugh. SARGE leans into him.) Yes, sir.SARGE: (Moves to SOL.) Look, I’ll make it easy for you. The next timeyou step forward, you say “here,” got it?SOL: Yes, sir.SARGE: Wonderful. (Paces in front of the line.) Now then, you four arein charge of our team of reindeer. It is up to you and you alone tosee that our eight chargers are healthy, clean and ready for thatbig flight across the sky. And you all were specifically chosen forthis job because of your expertise, your skills, your determinationand— (Stops and looks at SOL, who’s grinning.) —having the bossowe you a favor. (SOL smiles.) Is that a smile, mister?!SOL: Can’t tell from this side, sir.SARGE: (Continues pacing.) Now, let’s run down the list and— (Finallycatches on and spins around to glare at SOL.) From this side?(Shakes his head to clear it. He is now at SOL’S end of the line.)Count off your charges. (Again, each ELF steps forward to report,then immediately steps back.)EENY: Dasher, Dancer.MEENY: Prancer, Vixen.MINEY: Comet, Cupid.SOL: (Looks at the others, shrugs and then steps forward.) Here! (Stepsback.)SARGE: (Explodes.) Donner and Blitzen! You are supposed to sayDonner and Blitzen!SOL: Are they here, too?SARGE: (Calms himself.) Have you taken care of them, or is that toomuch to ask?7For preview only

15101520253035SOL: Naw, go ahead.SARGE: (Through clenched teeth.) Are they ready or not?SOL: Near as I can tell.SARGE: (Smiles ferociously.) I am so happy.SOL: (To the others.) See? He’s happy.SARGE: (Moving on.) Next matter of business—have any of you seenMrs. Claus? She seems to be missing.SOL: You mean she’s not here? (OTHERS glare at him.) What? You saidshe was missing.SARGE: Just tell me, have you seen her?EENY: No, sir.MEENY: We’ve been at the stables.MINEY: Getting the reindeer ready takes all our time.SARGE: Very well, then. I’d like to address some of the suggestionsfrom the suggestion box that Santa had us set up. (Eyes the elves.)If that’s all right with you?ELVES: (Ad lib agreement.) Sure. Fine with me. Great idea. (Etc.)SARGE: Good. (Eyes his clipboard.) Now, it seems we’ve had somevery odd suggestions.MINEY: About us or about you?SARGE: (In MINEY’S face.) Some were about me, yes. And how did youjust happen to know that?MINEY: Lucky guess, sir.SARGE: First off, in answer to the suggestion we got most often—(Stares at them.) —no, you cannot have Christmas Eve off.ELVES: Awwww!SARGE: Also, just out of curiosity, who came up with the idea to putback-up lights on the sleigh? (ELVES look at SOL.)SOL: (Takes a guess.) Donner and Blitzen?SARGE: Not now!EENY: Actually, it’s not a bad idea, sir.MEENY: Or maybe fix it so it beeps when it backs up.MINEY: Maybe we could put something like that on Santa himself.Then he could beep when he backs up. (EENY, MEENY and MINEYlaugh.)SARGE: Quiet! (They stop. SARGE looks at his clipboard.) Next item.And this is something I’ve heard—SOL: Beep when he backs up! (Laughs.)8N OT E : P H OTO C O P Y I N G T H I S S C R I P T B R E A K S F E D E RA L C O P Y R I G H T L AW SFor preview only

15101520253035SARGE: (Glares at him. He turns his laugh into clearing his throat.) AsI was saying, there were also a lot of comments about scratching.MEENY: The reindeer or us personally?SARGE: We’re talking about the reindeer!EENY: (To MEENY.) Are you itchy? Have you tried that new Yule Tidesoap?MEENY: No. Is it any good?EENY: It really is. I use it all the time.MINEY: So do I.SARGE: Can we stay on subject?MEENY: I’ve heard about it, but I’ve never tried it.EENY: Oh, you should.MEENY: Thanks for the tip.SARGE: Hey! We’re talking about reindeer here!MEENY: Is it a bar or in liquid form?EENY: You can get it both ways. I like to use the bar soap.MINEY: And it comes in lovely pastel colors, too. Yellow, green orsurprise pink.EENY: And you can get it in pine scent or lavender. And it’s so soft onyour skin, you—SARGE: Knock it off! (ELVES freeze and stare at SARGE.)EENY: (Quickly to MEENY.) And it’s medicated!SARGE: (Flings his clipboard to the ground and stares at EENY whiletapping his foot loudly. EENY smiles meekly as SARGE glares atELVES. EENY slowly bends over, gently picks up the clipboard andhands it back to SARGE. Valiantly controlling himself.) Now, then.Listen to me carefully. I don’t want to talk about soaps. I don’twant to talk about who’s itching or anything else not having to dowith our reindeer. Is that clear?!EENY: Yes, sir.MINEY: Understood. (The others voice agreement.)SARGE: Good, excellent. Just answer me this. Are the reindeer allhealthy?ELVES: Yes, sir!SARGE: Are they well fed?ELVES: Yes, sir!SARGE: Are they ready for that long night’s flight?ELVES: (Except SOL.) Yes, sir!SOL: Wait, how can we tell that?9For preview only

15101520253035EENY: They start getting frisky.MEENY: You know, ready to take off.SOL: How do they know to do that?MINEY: There’s so much Christmas magic in the air this time of year,the reindeer can feel it.SARGE: (Tries to get their attention.) No—MINEY: Of course, it also depends on what we feed them.SOL: You mean that makes a difference, how frisky they are? (SARGEstares at his troops dumbfounded.)MINEY: Oh, sure. I found that pure oats with a dab of honey reallymakes them jump.EENY: That works?MEENY: I would’ve thought the honey would make them sluggish afterawhile.MINEY: No. On the contrary, it really gives them that extra pep. (SARGElooks out, now whimpering quietly.)SOL: What about fresh grass? (ELVES break formation and form agroup.)EENY: Where are you going to find fresh grass up here?SOL: I send away for it.MEENY: But is it still fresh by the time it arrives here?SOL: According to the guarantee.MINEY: Could you put that with the oats?SOL: Sure, I don’t know why not. And it really makes their coats shine,too.MINEY: Oh, I use that Yule Tide soap for that.SOL: That works on reindeer? (Unseen by the ELVES, SARGE wandersOFF LEFT, now in a whimpering daze.)MINEY: It works on hair, fur and skin.EENY: Like I said it’s medicated. (Turns to where SARGE was standing.)See, Sarge, we are talking about the reindeer. (ELVES look around.)MEENY: Sarge?MINEY: Now, where’d he go now?SOL: Yeah, he calls us together and then just walks off?EENY: (Calls.) Sarge? (ELVES EXIT OFF LEFT.)SOL: (As he EXITS.) Now he’s not here! (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Two10For preview only

15101520253035Scene Three“Snow News is Good News”LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST. He’s reading the local newspaper,The Snow News. HOST looks out over the newspaper.HOST: Welcome back! While we wait for the good sergeant to get moreorganization into his organization, The Santa Claus Chroniclesbrings you an exclusive with the editor of The Snow News. Let metell you, if you want to know anything around here, this newspaperis the place to go. And since that’s why we’re all here, let’s meetthe editor of The Snow News. (Nods RIGHT.) Ladies and gentlemen,Gladys Snowing.GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Waves.) Hello, and Merry Christmas!HOST: And a very Merry Christmas to you, Gladys! You know, I just loveyour name, Gladys Snowing.GLADYS: That’s my name and my nature.HOST: How’s that?GLADYS: I’m usually glad it’s snowing.HOST: And I’m sure that’s why you called the newspaper The SnowNews.GLADYS: Of course. As I always say, “Snow News is good news.”HOST: And everyone around here just loves the paper, too.GLADYS: Well, snow news to me.HOST: (To AUDIENCE.) I should warn you, she likes puns. (GLADYScomfortably smiles at this.) Gladys, it’s all yours. (Hands newspaperto GLADYS.) Why don’t you tell the folks all about it? What’s thelatest scoop?GLADYS: Oh, with my paper we don’t say scoop, we say shovel. (Looksout.) Get it? Snow shovel.HOST: What’d I tell you? (EXITS RIGHT.)GLADYS: (Looks out.) Well, well, well, where to begin? Our newspaperis about like any other I suppose. I always try to keep my storiesinteresting and thought provoking. I never write down to anyone,which is sometimes hard to do when a lot of your readers areelves. (Smiles.) Sorry, couldn’t resist.(Indicates the front page.) First thing I like to point out is ourweather report. I call it the “Sleet Sheet.” And today I wrote—(Reads.) —“Cold.” (Smiles.) Well, what did you expect? Oh, I don’tjust stop there. (Reads.) “Good night to have chestnuts roastingon an open fire. Fifty percent chance of Jack Frost nipping at yournose.” (Looks out.) Another one I couldn’t resist!11For preview only

15101520253035(Scans the front page.) Now, let’s see, usual stuff here, nothingreally to report. But, being a good reporter I used a lot of wordsto say that. One news flash I know—Santa Claus is looking forMrs. Claus but can’t locate her as yet. (Looks out and winks.) Howfar can she get? Don’t worry, I’m looking into that but I have apretty good idea what that’s all about. (Turns the page.) Oh, I havethe usual columns. (Stops on a page.) Here’s our stock marketreport. I call it “Polar Bears and Bulls.” For those interested incertain commodities, I reported that reindeer are on the move,sleigh bells are ringing up, yo-yos keep going up and down, candycanes have come up to a curve and elf shoes are selling short.But, of course, that’s perfect for them.Let’s see, what else? Oh, here I have our column for complimentsand complaints. It’s called “On the Bipolar Side.” What else? Oh,the students are having a sleigh wash. (Looks out.) They reallyhave to be quick when they do that, you know. See, once theythrow water on the sleigh, it freezes. (Turns the page.) And here arethe want ads. Let’s see. (Reads.) “Wanted: one reindeer groomer,experience needed. Prefer someone by the name of Moe.” (Looksup.) That Sarge never gives up, does he?The big stories this time of year are the nice ones, you know?The ones with a little heart in them. You know how it is aroundChristmastime. Lots of lights and decoration and color, and peopleseem to get a little friendlier about now. I don’t mean just in buyingand giving presents but in how they go about everyday smilingmore, singing more. There’s music in the air—carols mostly—andeveryone is thinking of other people rather than themselves. Oh,I know some grumble that the Christmas season seems to getlonger and longer with each passing year, but is that such a badthing? Having that lovely feeling, that sentiment, that sense of joylasting longer and longer? I mean, wouldn’t it be lovely if it lastedyear round?(Turns the page.) Oh, here! Now here is my main story. I run thisone every year, and I believe it backs up everything I just said.(Unfolds the paper and hold it up. In large letters it reads “MERRYCHRISTMAS.” Smiles as she looks over the newspaper.) I couldn’thave said it better myself. (Folds the paper and puts it under herarm.) And I believe I just did! You all have a very Merry Christmas!(EXITS as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene Three12N OT E : P H OTO C O P Y I N G T H I S S C R I P T B R E A K S F E D E RA L C O P Y R I G H T L AW SFor preview only

15101520253035Scene Four“On the Street Interviews”LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST. He holds a notepad and pen.HOST: Meeting Gladys Snowing has inspired me to do a bit ofinvestigative reporting myself for The Santa Claus Chronicles. I’vebeen wondering, what’s the best way to find out just how peoplefeel about Santa Claus? After all, he’s a neighbor to these folksin the North Pole. (LIGHTS SHIFT as HOST crosses CENTER.) Sohere I am in town square, where there’s no better place to finda true cross section of people, especially this time of year. I amconducting one of those old fashioned “on the street” interviews.(BETTY ENTERS LEFT, carrying armloads of shopping bags.) Let’sask people about old Saint Nick. (Sees BETTY.) Oh, excuse me?BETTY: (Pants.) What? What’s wrong?!HOST: Oh, nothing, nothing—BETTY: It’s Jeffrey, isn’t it? What did he get into now? Did he breaksomething? What’d he break? You can tell me.HOST: No, really. Who’s Jeffrey? (BETTY stares at him.) Your son, right?BETTY: Depends. What’d he do? What did he get into now? It’s broken,right?HOST: Really, I haven’t seen him.BETTY: (Wide eyed, stares out.) That’s when I worry the most.HOST: No, I’m just interviewing people here in the town square aboutSaint Nick.BETTY: Huh? Oh, you mean Santa Claus.HOST: Yes, of course.BETTY: Why didn’t you just say so?HOST: Well, let me ask you this. Keeping in mind this time of year,with all the gift giving and decorations and lights and colors and—BETTY: Can you talk faster or shorter? I’m getting fallen arches. Imean, these bags are heavy!HOST: Sorry. With all that in mind, what’re you looking forward to mostthis Christmas season?BETTY: When school opens again.MERV: (ENTERS RIGHT.) There you are, Betty.BETTY: About time, Merv! (Hands MERV all her bags.) Here!MERV: (Takes the bags.) Good grief, Betty, what’re all these?BETTY: Presents.MERV: Impossible! We don’t even know this many people.BETTY: Have you seen Jeffrey?13For preview only

15101520253035MERV: He’s not with you? (Wide eyed, stares out.) That’s when I worrythe most.HOST: Excuse me—MERV: You’ve seen Jeffrey? What’d he do to you? He broke something,right?HOST: No, I’m just here asking people what they think of Santa Claus.MERV: You mean Kris Kringle, don’t you?HOST: Well, yes. He’s called by many names.BETTY: (Indicates MERV.) You should hear what I call him.HOST: Let’s save that for another day. Today I want to know, sir, whatdo you think of Kris Kringle?MERV: All I can say is he must be very tired. (HOST writes this down.)I mean, look at all this. (Indicates the bags.) And we only have onekid! Can you just imagine what Santa has to go through?BETTY: See you later. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT.)MERV: Wait, Betty, where are you going now?BETTY: Shopping. (She’s OUT.)MERV: For what? I thought you already bought everything! Betty?!(Rus

Robertson, right? REPORTER FOUR: Yes, I’m Robertson. I asked Santa to bring me a pony. SECRETARY: Lived on 2017 Holly Road? REPORTER FOUR: (Cautiously.) Uh huh. SECRETARY: (Eyes on laptop.) Twenty-five years ago (Looks at REPORTER FOUR.) Good all ye